


Come to terms

by Admortire



Category: Original Work
Genre: Amnesia, Depression, Electroconvulsive Therapy, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Tricks, Medical Inaccuracies, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Past Rape/Non-con, Suicide, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 05:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 44
Words: 60,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4552737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Admortire/pseuds/Admortire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maxem panics and gets a handler. Making peace is not an option, so how will he deal?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time sharing. Please tell me if anything is confusing, thank you.

He certainly hadn’t missed the feeling. The way his stomach churned together, tightened in a convulsion. Sometimes it would rise, usually everytime he thought of Gatou. The words that had come out of his mouth, the implications they held.

Slowly he pressed his eyes closed, failing to cast the memory away. How he felt so foolish now for what he had said, what he had failed to say. Again his stomach turned and he held his breath. Just about anything to keep from moving, of making it any worse than it already was. There was no need for this, he knew.

Somewhere the medication would prevent him from feeling utter crap. Somewhere he wondered how he would feel if he wasn’t under any medication at all. Somewhere he felt that this was it. It couldn’t possible in any way get worse than this.

Maxem looked at his hands and took off the sleeves. When his wrists, his scars, his history was visible he saw the future. A nearby future where all of it was red and stained with blood and pain. He could remember it, but never as precise as he imagined it.

A noise from the living room brought him back to reality as he washed his face at the sink. What would they do if they knew? They knew. That’s why Sasake was here. She served as buffer for Gatou to hide behind. Vivienne was always on speed dial. No matter what he tried they would get to him in time. There was no escaping this life. No escaping the torture that held him here.

He did not look at himself in the mirror, but he didn’t have to look to know the disaster looking back. Just like there were no blades around to cut up his skin. But he needed to so badly.

Again he looked around, frantically. Held his breath when he heard them talking. Even with the bathroom door locked, he wasn’t safe. There was nowhere where he could ever be safe, despite what anyone said. Gatou’s words, the words he had spoken in the past were lies. Frankly, he didn’t know why he had bothered in the first place. Now, just when Maxem had started to get comfortable, he spoke the truth. Far too late, or just in time depending on how he looked at it.

He was good at looking at it the wrong way. Even Vivienne had said so.

Another sound, another breath.

For the millionth time, Maxem spun around the bathroom for a way to redirect the hurt. His hands had started shaking. Did he want anything to hurt at all? Did he want Gatou to see what this had done to him?

In the cupboard near the toilet he found cleaning supplies. Could it be Gatou placed them there on purpose? Vivienne had spoken about precautions. Multiple times, failsafes were in place.

The child lock on the drain cleaner did nothing to stop him, the scent almost did. Still it didn’t take a lot of liquid to it to find it’s way down his throat and back up again. It made an absolute mess of the floor. It also made him more nauseous.

When he had opened the second bottle of scrubbing liquid, someone knocked on the door. The bottle slipped from his hands and he puked.

“Are you okay in there? You’ve been in there for a long time.”

Of course it was Sasake.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” the tears stopped for a moment, “Just reading.”

The concoction in his stomach was making him dizzy and he puked again.

“Reading? It sounds like you’re puking.”

“Please, Sasake. I’m on the fucking toilet. Go away!”

He didn’t wait until she was gone before he drank some more. She seemed to get the hint as she didn’t speak again.

His clothes were covered in sticky colourful products, mixed with pieces of the breakfast he had this afternoon. He stopped for a moment and the half empty bottle in his hand was slipping. He felt so increasingly stupid. So ridiculously mad.

What would Vivienne have to say about it? What would Gatou think about it? Would he tell his new girlfriend? Share with her a modest glass of wine in a toast. The madman had finally left his life and he could move on. Sasake could move on.

She was banging on the door now, ordering him to unlock it. He was too tired, crying too much. The burn in his stomach and throat was overwhelming and he retched again. His vision blurred, either by the tears or the sting of the fumes. Even the half empty bottles were too heavy to be held to his lips so he laid his head down in the mess.

There was no difference between the pain in his head or in his body. He existed of one entire chunk of pain. When he puked again, he puked blood. When he tried to raise the bottle, or tipple it at least, it got taken away.

It hadn’t taken them long. He was found. The bathroom echoed more cries for help and tears. Not his this time. No reason why they should. This was nothing different. A simple mess that had to be cleaned up from the bathroom floor.

The hysterics didn’t stop for almost 15 minutes, while he laid there trying very hard to die. Then he got pulled up, placed on a brancard and shipped off to the hospital. Where he would spend the rest of his days locked up.

The burn in his stomach never stopped. The tears kept on flowing. He was saved again. It hurt so bad he almost choked. Though they would save him from that too.

They pumped his guts out. Hooked him up on life support and funneled some liquid junk that was suppose to save his internals. Nobody listened to his silent cries for death and his struggle was restrained. Eventually he got too tired, too weak.

Sasake was always there, standing in the corner, looking like she had never seen it before. Nurses had bound him to the bed, but life was the prison he wanted to escape. Vivienne was called, Gatou arrived before him. Maxem wanted to see neither.

“Holy shit,” Gatou whispered when he entered.

Sasake hugged him tightly. Maxem couldn’t move.

“Holy shit, Maxem,” he repeated, came to stand by his side, grabbed his hand, touched his face.

Gatou should’ve considered himself lucky. Everything prevented Maxem from talking or doing anything at all. The tubes, the burn, the pain. There were no tears, so he had to look.

“I knew it,” Gatou turned his face away, “When I woke up this morning, left for work, I knew.”

A nurse interrupted him. Told him visiting hours were over. Gatou hardly protested and left. The nurse pressed a needle in his arm and poured more liquid down his throat. If he could he would puke everything right up again. Instead they put him to sleep.

Sadly the burn was still there when he woke up. So was the pain in his body and mind. The tears in his eyes, the constraints on his wrists. Now more than ever did he want to scream. Tear his burning throat out. Cry so loud they would put him down.

Gatou at this side didn’t wake for another hour. Maxem found this charade absurd. He’d be better off fucking that girl of his than spending time near his bedside, pretending to care. If he could talk he would tell him so, in the nicest way possible.

Right now he’d have to do with angry looks and heaved breaths scorching his insides. Vivienne joined the parade and put a hand on Gatou’s shoulder. Telling him to leave. Maxem wasn’t sure if he should be relieved about that. A lengthy lecture from his psychiatrist was not what he wanted right now. Not that he had any say in any of it.

“The nurse told me you shouldn’t be talking,” Vivienne said but started to remove the tube in his mouth, “But let me make you a bit more comfortable.”   
Somehow she made it sound disgustingly degrading. Especially how she loomed over him, deciding his fate. When she took a seat in the chair, it didn’t make much of a difference.

“I’m not…” Maxem croaked but almost choked and curled up trying not to cough.

“Take it easy,” Vivienne said calmly and smiled pitifully, “We want to get you out of here as soon as possible, not prolong your stay.”

Maxem heaved and waiting for his throat to stop itching and his stomach to stop turning. They didn’t.

“So is this about Gatou?” Vivienne asked eventually, like she didn’t know, “About what he told you the other day?”

Silent, Maxem fought the tears and everything else raging in his body. He was too tired for this. Too utterly sick of this life. Of course it was about Gatou. Or better yet, about the girl he was fucking.

Not only that, it was about them jumping in every time. They saved his worthless ass again and again and getting better at by the day. But all they achieved was assuring that this suicidal maniac lived another day to try again.

Nothing of these words escaped his lips. Instead he whimpered, while Vivienne observed and judged his every move.

“I know that you’re sad Maxem,” she said eventually when nothing came from him, “But I assure you everything will be alright, whatever happens.”

“Sad?” Maxem blurted out and flung his pillow across the room.

It took too much effort and he flopped down back on the bed. He wanted to say so much, but his voice didn’t come. Didn’t she know better than this. It wasn’t the first time, it wouldn’t be the last time. When would they finally understand he didn’t want things to be okay. There was no okay. He wanted to die.

Vivienne stood up to retrieve the pillow and looked at him from across the room. Her jaw was set, her eyes stern, but she didn’t speak until she was back in her seat.

“I know you’re feeling like the worst piece of shit right now. I know,” she held the pillow on her lap, “That’s why I’m taking you with me, not Gatou, for now. You’ll be staying at my place for awhile, until things have calmed down.”

Until he had calmed down. Maxem had learned to read between the lines. Until they decided that the mental hospital was a better place for him anyhow. Staying with his psychiatrist sounded like the worst possible idea they had ever had. It wasn’t going to help.

“It’s not going to be just me,” Vivienne continued, “I’m bringing someone with me to be on my suicide watch squad. Would you like to meet her?”

No, he did not want to meet anyone. Especially someone who was going to be on his lip twentyfour-seven watching and questioning his every move. And what good a place this was for meeting new people. The impression he must make. Bedridden, with a voice like a sandpaper, tears in his eyes. It was one thing that he wasn’t wearing his drenched clothes. Like he could hide anything in his state.

Instead of saying no, Maxem got prompted into 5 minute long coughing fit. Vivienne decided to take that as anyway she seemed fit and motioned for the girl to come inside. The dye in her hair looked faded, but her pastel clothes were picked out to match. The tan coloured skin was not from sunbathing and definitely not from a can. She came to stand next to Vivienne and looked down on Maxem.

“Hi, my name is Miriam Sharazade,” she ungloved her hand and held it out, “But call me Shara. It’s a pleasure.”

Her face glowed like she wasn’t even in the hospital, like it was an actual pleasure. Maxem glared at her with suspicion. The bitch held up a pretentious facade. Vivienne ignored his rude attitude.

“Don’t mind him,” she told Shara and stood up to make room, “It’s been quite a day.”

“No matter,” Share came closer after giving Vivienne a brilliant smile, “Do you mind lending me your hand?”

Even more suspicious. Maxem would have spat if there was any saliva in his mouth at all. The way she behaved, smiled and held out her hand so forcefully was beyond ridiculous. If he could he would’ve called her out on it. But he couldn’t and wanted everyone to go away and leave him alone. They didn’t.

“No?” Shara asked and held her hand up with a sparkle in her eye, “Or is this a silent confirmation?”

“Let’s not push this,” Vivienne said but didn’t do anything to keep Shara away.

“I’m not,” Shara said cheerfully but didn’t move her hand away.

Instead she grabbed Maxem at the shoulder and he was too late to do anything about it. For a moment he realised why she had such a particular look in her eyes. It wasn’t the mischievous joy, but the colour that gave her away.

“Wait,” he tried to struggle, but she was too strong and he was too weak.

Then he stop dead and she shivered. A long sigh escaped his lips and he relaxed into her grip. All tension and anger evaporated from his body and he was left with an unusual calm.

He never met a Libixian who didn’t show off their tricks. Their magic might be different, but in their conceit they were all the same.

“Oh shit,” suddenly Shara let go and wobbled on her feet.

Vivienne caught her as she collapsed crying.

“Holy shit,” Shara breathed again and grabbed hold of her chest, “Shit, shit, shit. Get me a glass of water right now.”

“What?” Maxem demanded, raised his head and saw Gatou standing in the doorway.

Instantly he felt his face heat up and his whole body yearned for him. Then the bomb exploded in his stomach and the tears followed.

“Get out!” Maxem flung around and Vivienne held him down before he ended up in a coughing fit, “Fucking bastard! I fucking...”

The coughing crippled him completely. The inside of his throat burned all the way down and he felt the bile rising.

“Calm down. Breath through your nose,” Vivienne pushed a button to call the nurse, “The nurse will be with you shortly.”

Maxem pushed his face into the pillow trying to stop breathing completely. It didn’t help of course. The lack of saliva in his mouth wasn’t helping. There was nothing to swallow, nothing to relieve the pain.

When Vivienne came back with water, she gave it to Shara after hoisting her off the floor.

“Wow,” Shara held her head in her hands, “This is shit.”

“Why did you do that?” Vivienne pressed and took the glass again when it was empty.

“I wanted to see,” she wiped her nose but was still sniffling, “I wanted to feel what it was like.”

Vivienne sighed and shook her head, “If you change your mind now…”

“No,” Shara wiped her tears and pushed herself up, “No, of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. I know what I signed up for.”

While she put on her gloves again, she tried to catch Maxem attention. He kept his face hidden in the pillow, trying to catch his breath.

“We’re going to deal with this,” she told him or Vivienne, “Together.”

“Fuck you,” Maxem managed softly and pushed himself off the bed.

“Lie down,” the nurse ordered as she walked in, “You need to rest.”

She shot both Vivienne and Shara a disapproving look as she forcefully bound Maxem back to the bed. They both moved to the door but looked at the nurse putting him to sleep with a heavy dose.

“Let him get his rest,” the nurse commanded before she left and Gatou joined them.

“I’ve just lost him forever didn’t I?” he sighed and pressed his mouth into a line.

Shara moved in and hugged him close, “No, of course not, don’t be silly. We’re going to be strong and make this work.”

“Or die trying,” Gatou pushed his hands in his hair, “Which will be the reality in his case.”


	2. Chapter 2

Maxem stared out of the car window dispassionately. Next to him sat Shara humming to the tune on the radio. She had refused the shotgun seat. As if the medication wasn’t enough to keep him from doing anything.

There were several options where he could intervene and crash the whole car. Threaten to strangle Shara with the silk scarf around her neck. Force the car door to open and let him slip out.

But he couldn’t be bothered. It was either the drugs or the Libixian radiating passivity that infected him like a virus. Though she looked too cheerful for that.

The car boot was packed with most of his stuff. Clothes, pills, books, gaming console, even his cooking supplies. It made him wonder just how long he would be staying with his shrink. The only thing he achieved with this trail of thoughts was missing Gatou. And he missed him so unbelievably much. It confused him for a moment in his uncaring state, that the only thing he wanted was Gatou back by his side. Preferably right now.

He noticed Shara watching him with a tremendous amount of pity in her eyes and he knew exactly what was happening.

“Stop prying around in my fucking brain,” he tried to sound menacing but it came out flat and dull.

“Don’t worry, I’m not,” Shara smiled, “It’s just the first thing I’ve felt from you since we left the hospital.”

“Let’s make that the only thing,” Maxem turned his attention outside and swallowed as much saliva as he could muster trying to relieve his throat, “Aren’t you Libixians suppose to be really good at blocking those things?”

“Your friends were exceptionally good,” Shara’s voice was level and serious.

He had a hard time figuring out if the intonation meant anything more that merely stating facts.

Her advantage over him hardly seemed fair in comparison, “You met them?”

“No, can’t say that I have. But I’ve read about them.”

Somewhere Maxem wanted to know exactly what she knew about them or him if she was so well read. He didn’t ask. Either he was too lethargic or too careful. No matter how informed she was, he needed to watch his every step around her. Even more so than with Vivienne.

If he had thought about his suicide a little bit better he wouldn’t be in this mess. He wouldn’t be here at all, in this car on his way to the house of his psychiatrist with a mind reader.

Still it didn’t matter, nothing mattered. He would be kept alive indefinitely for everybody’s amusement and it was fine. Really. At least he was good for something.

Her house seemed small, but luxurious compared to the apartment he shared with Gatou. He had shared, since he wouldn’t anymore now. Shara seemed more impressed, complimenting the garden while she stepped outside.

“It’s enough,” Vivienne smiled, seemingly satisfied with her arrangement.

“Come on, let’s get inside before it starts raining,” Shara mentioned and opened the boot.

Maxem wondered if she could predict the weather, but as he stepped outside raindrops drizzled on his face.

Already loaded with bags Vivienne held the front door open, waiting for them to get inside.

“There is a guest room, first door on your left if you go upstairs,” Vivienne put down the bags and quickly opened the fridge door, finding it disappointingly empty, “I prepared it.”

Shara bumped into Maxem lightly and gave him a smile, “Let’s check it out.”

Maxem followed her upstairs to find a cozy small bedroom that seemed to have primarily been used as storage. Now the bed was made and there was empty space in the cupboard for clothes.   
Shara inspected everything and left him standing still inside the middle of the room. While she was unpacking her own stuff he found himself with nothing to do. He didn’t want to get in the way, nor had any real drive to put any of his stuff on shelves. Next to that his vision was blurry so he decided to lie down on the bed.

After a while she sat down next to him, “Geez, this bed is has as rock,” she sounded above him, “Good thing I have you as a pillow.”

Maxem turned to look at her blankly while she hopped up and down. For a moment he wondered if he heard her right before deciding that he didn’t care enough.

“Do you want to check around the house?” she asked and jumped up to look out the window, “There is a garden, well kept even.”

Maybe he had misjudged her age, she was acting like a 5 year old.

“No,” he answered and turned his back to her.

“Come on, get up, we’ll go see what Vivienne is up to,” Shara didn’t touch him but got so close that he he felt too uncomfortable not to get up.

He followed her through the house downstairs. Vivienne had put most of the stuff away and was compiling a grocery list.

“Don’t you like cooking, Maxem? Why don’t you cook tonight. Tell me what you need,. I can get anything you want.”

“No,” Maxem sat down on the couch and let himself drop down.

Perhaps Vivienne already forgot he was on a liquid diet for a week. Or that he was here because he tried kill himself. Cooking was the last thing on his mind right now.

With a shrug Vivienne finished her list and left for the store not long after. Shara came up to him munching on a bag of nuts and turned on the television. She didn’t say anything or touch him again. Her gloves were getting salt all over them.

The gloves were probably more of a sign than a precaution. Those Libixian magical powers worked on command. He wondered if she could change minds permanently. Which would be better for him, for them.

When Vivienne came home, Shara helped her cook. They didn’t pay him any attention, left him on the couch not watching any tv. Making him come to have some dinner, turned into a big deal. Cooing and coaxing him to come join at the table eventually paid off. Though he basically just wanted them to shut up.

Vivienne looked slightly disappointed when he didn’t touch the soup. Shara started stealing the pieces of bread off his plate. Though she left the medication alone, which had a place next to his glass of water. There was no escaping them.

There was more television afterwards but he closed his eyes. There was no sleep but memories flickering in his head like a stroboscope. Too fast and too many. Sleep usually wasn’t hard to come by, but it didn’t favor him now. Instead he was trying very hard to fool them into thinking he was asleep.

Neither of them let on if they were fooled or showed any interest in keeping him awake. Shara’s powers could very likely tell on him.

As first days went, it all went by tremendously uneventful. Either the meds or the people stopped him from doing things he really wanted to do. Cry or die.

Vivienne had hid away sharp objects, poisonous eatables and other potentially harmful items. She had been very thorough. More than Gatou had ever been. Obviously.

There was no escaping this house, that was certain. No privacy either. The locks on the bathroom door had been disabled, contrary to the doors leading outside, which were constantly locked. It was tremendously hard to find any solitude while Shara kept following him around as Vivienne set up some idiotic pastime activities.

Gatou called the house several times. All times Maxem politely advised him to fuck himself in any available orifice. Relayed by either Shara or Vivienne.

They both looked at him with such pity in their eyes, it was sickening. Like the medication wasn’t doing a good enough job. It was going to be a long stay.


	3. Chapter 3

“So how long are you going to keep me here?” Maxem asked while they had sat down for dinner, “Until you realise this is hopeless?”

“For as long as it takes.” Vivienne answered and gave it no mind.

Shara on the other hand perked up, “Is there something else you would like to do?” she asked while she tried to catch his eyes.

He learned not to make any eye contact with her, “Besides stringing myself up?” he asked his soup and gave it another stir, “No, can’t really think of anything at all.”

“Good, you can join me while I do some shopping.”

Even Vivienne looked up surprised, “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”

But she only got a cold stare in return, “Of course it is. I’m getting depressed myself of being locked up in this house. Some fresh air would do everyone good.”

“I’ll come with you the, give you a ride to the mall,” Vivienne still couldn’t smile about the idea.

“No need,” she was probably working some trick on her as well, “We’re adults, perfectly capable of taking care of each other.”

Maxem sighed softly and covered his face. There was no way he would go through an agonizing day of picking out clothes and nailpolish. But this would be the perfect opportunity to get away from these crazy people. So he didn’t protest.

Vivienne however did and forced herself along. She really was careful. Maxem almost admired her for it if it didn’t make her so damn annoying.

They went on monday morning when it wouldn’t be as crowded. Another disadvantage, but that wouldn’t stop him from trying. Instead of looking at what the store offered or what kind of people were walking around he made a mental map of the building. Stairs, elevators, gather points, toilets, emergency exits, hooks and crannies.

Ditching Shara might seem easy, but he should be careful not to underestimate her Libixian abilities. She was a wild card.

Vivienne on the other hand was too experienced. She knew that he would try something today and keep her eyes glued on him from the moment they set foot in the mall.

Maxem felt leashed and at the moment he still had no idea how to bite through. It was a lot of effort, keeping his focus in amidst this chaos. People talking, running, pointing, watching him. It made him want to drop down on the floor and cry, not run into the arms of unpredictable and cruel people.

Vivienne motioned to follow him into the bathroom, making the situation even worse. Shara commented on every feeling that might or might not be jumping through his body, leaving him feeling open and exposed.

What he needed was a distraction. Something to divert the attention of both women and any onlookers elsewhere. But he was the biggest spectacle around.

And what he got were a couple of new jeans and a sweater to try on. Shara seemed to be more interested in dressing him than herself. Without enough energy to protest or object he walked into the tiny dressing booth. It had apparently been such a long time that he had forgotten how many mirrors were in that thing.

He quickly shot down his eyes to the floor and fell down upon it. This was too hard. His face, his body. He never wanted to see any of it ever again.

For a split second he had wondered who that guy was. Pathetic, pitiful fool. Must’ve been dumped with that shade below his eyes. Must’ve been real down with those scars on his body. No wonder he’s trying to hide the damage on his wrists. Who wouldn’t be ashamed.

That moment he wanted nothing more than for Gatou to hold him. But that wouldn’t happen, ever again.

“Are you in need of some assistance?” Shara asked, trying to sound funny, but she only managed to sound unsure, “I’ll come in and put those pants on for you, if you don’t answer.”

Maxem opened his mouth and felt no voice leaving him. It hurt to much. He wanted to scream, to cry, to die. There was no breath in him and yet he kept on breathing.

“Alright, last chance! I’m coming in,” within moments she was crouched down beside him, “I’m going to touch you now.”

He desperately slapped her hands away and pushed himself into the opposite corner.

“Don’t you touch me!”

He couldn’t hide his face or his tears. He couldn’t hide the disgusting being that he was. He couldn’t hide anything from her. From what she could see she didn’t even bother to hide her pity.

“Just give me your hand, I’ll make it go away,” she offered but he didn’t take the bait.

“Just fuck off! Leave me the fuck alone!” screaming didn’t help, it hurt his throat.

In fact one of the shop assistants pulled back the curtain, “What’s going on here?”

“Nothing to worry about,” Shara quickly got up and placed a hand on her shoulder, “We’ll be out of your hair before you know it.”

Out of nowhere all panic drained from the assistant’s face and she walked away nodding confidently. Shara turned back to Maxem and showed her hands again.

“Come on, give me your hand. I’ll help you up.”

“Fuck! Off!” spat Maxem and dragged his hands over his face, keeping everything close, “Get away from me.”

Shara didn’t leave of course. With a sigh she got up and whipped out her cellphone. Vivienne appeared only 2 minutes later.

“What happened?” she asked and shut the curtain.

“He wouldn’t let me help him,” Shara said and crossed her arms.

“No, of course not,” Vivienne replied, “Shall we go home?”

“No, let’s sit around here all day and have ourselves a cup of tea,” snorted Shara but got out of the way when Maxem jumped up and ran out of the store.

Vivienne wasn’t far behind. Maxem knew that this was the moment he was waiting for, but there were too many things going on in his head that he only wanted to get back to his bed as soon as possible. He needed to get to the car, away from them, away from all the people. Hide under his covers so nobody could see the failure that he was.

Tears and anguish blurred his vision as he ran onto the car park and tried to remember where Vivienne’s car was parked.

“Relax, relax,” Vivienne yelled as Maxem tried desperately to open the car to no avail.

“Fuck off! You motherfucking asshole, why the fuck did you do this,” he kicked the car trying to catch his breath, “You should’ve stopped her! What the fuck am I doing here? This is your fucking fault, you should’ve stopped this bullshit!”

The moment the door bleeped open, Maxem got on the back seat. Shara eventually caught up, but did not get in.

“I still need to get some things,” she explained calmly and kept her hands on her hips, “I’ll take the bus home.”

Just to show that she already had enough of Maxems childish behaviour. Vivienne nodded, got in the car and drove away.

“What happened?” Vivienne asked when they entered the highway, “Was it the mirrors?”

“Can we not fucking do this now?” Maxem wiped his nose and felt like such a fourteen year old, “Or ever?”

“We’ll discuss it later,” Vivienne said and kept her eyes on the road, “We can also try something else besides the mall. It might have proved much stimulation too soon.”

“Go fuck yourself. You know damn well that I had absolutely no place going out the door. You should’ve stopped this,” Maxem let himself fall down on the couch.

“Don’t take me for a fool Maxem, I know the risks. But getting you of the house can have a profound positive effect, it went well up until that point,” Vivienne explained, “And please wear your seatbelt.”

“Fuck off,” Maxem didn’t sit up and didn’t bother with the seatbelt.

 


	4. Chapter 4

At home he did the same thing. Drop down on the couch in front of the television. After a few days Vivienne grew tired of his behaviour and sat him down in her office.

“Alright Maxem, we’re going back to the old routine and we’re going to get you back on track.”

“Why? What for? I’m not a fucking beauty pageant queen,” Maxem had an idea what this was going to be about and would try to nip it in the bud.

His first reaction would be no. His second reaction would be fuck no. With Vivienne deeds proved higher than words, she hardly listened. Maxem had to show her that he had no intention to do anything she wanted to get him into.

“If you’re serious about breaking up with Gatou,” at the name alone Maxem’s stomach shrunk ten sizes, “We’re going to work together to get you to make you through it. Give you some tools so you don’t have to go back to the mental health institute. But start living a fulfilling life without him. A life you consider worth living.”   
Maxem stared at her without saying anything. She really hadn’t been listening at all. After she had given him plenty of time to react, she moved on.

“Shara will help you with some of these assignments.”

Which Shara did. Vivienne had left instructions for several role play scenarios while she spend her day at work. Maxem still didn’t understand the point but drank his coffee, while Shara looked over the papers.

She frowned and twitched her nose, pursed her lips and clacked her tongue. After a while she laid the papers down and put her hands on her hips.

“Alright,” she looked and Maxem who just waited uninterested, “We have to play a scenario, like at work where one of us is defensive and the other offensive. Keep calm, try some different coping techniques. Then we’ll switch.”

She looked at the papers again for a moment and looked back at Maxem.   
“Well? Do you want to start or shall I?” she asked.

“How about we just told Vivienne that it went wonderfully and leave it at that,” Maxem stood up and washed his cup in the sink.

“How about we give it a shot so we can honestly tell her this is nonsense.”

“I don’t see the difference,” Maxem walked towards the living area.   
“So you’re a liar, you don’t give a rats ass about Gatou or staying out of the mental hospital,” Shara called after him.

Maxem stopped in his tracks and turned around, “What?”

“You’re a liar. All you do is lie to get attention. I bet this whole sickness of yours is a ruse.”

“Wh-what?” Maxem bit down hard on his lip to keep it from trembling, “I don’t fucking lie about that.”

“Is that how you got Gatou to stick around as long as he did? He must have be pretty thick,” Shara stuck her nose in the air and cocked her head.   
“Gatou is not thick!” Maxem yelled and gripped his hands tight.

Thinking about Gatou made him nauseous. Having Shara attacking him with no ground whatsoever made his head roll and knees weak.

“You can’t talk about Gatou like that!”

“No? Of course I can. When I saw him at the hospital he seemed pretty dull. No wonder he started dating a mad man, couldn’t get his hands on a real girl.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Maxem moved back but noticed his dizziness and stopped, “Don’t say another bloody word or you’ll regret this.”

“Must be refreshing, right? To hear the truth for once?” she challenged him with a grim, “Everyone just pampers you, treats you like a delicate flower. Your boyfriend must’ve felt guilted into this relationship with you. All those long years, lying to you. Better be careful! You might break.”

Maxem felt his throat clog up. Not sure if he should feel hurt or angry. There wasn’t anything happening. She was right anyhow. He should tell her off, strangle her neck. Do something, anything. But nothing in his body indicated that he cared.

“That’s it?” Shara asked clearly still waiting for a reaction, “No more words? No more threats? You’re not going to attack me?”

Maxem looked at her and felt his breath entering and exiting his body. In and out. Strained.

“You’re pathetic. What are you trying to achieve here? Trying to make me feel bad? Because just kill me now, really,” Maxem couldn’t feel the ground underneath his feet, “I’d be happy to get out of your way.”

Shara looked at him and he felt uneasy. There wasn’t an emotion he could point out on her face.

“That went pretty well, don’t you think?” she picked up the papers again on the table, but didn’t break their eye contact.

There certainly was anger now swelling up. It wasn’t even the blatant lie or the things she had said. The emotionless smile on her face was enough. He wanted to smash her face against the wall and paint it red. Tie his fingers around her neck and squeeze until those eyes bulged out.

“Shall we switch the roles now?” she asked and held up her hand, “Come on, attack me.”

Maxed squeezed his fingers into a fist at the invitation. It almost felt like an order he needed to follow now. A pure factual rage burned into his eyes and fists. She needed to be hurt. None of this made sense, it didn’t add up. There was nothing like it a few moments ago and these urges were brimming underneath the surface. He should feel the need to react to it. That’s how he usually felt. So he licked his lips.

Shara didn’t say anything and stared at him intently. Waiting for him to come up with some pathetic way to hurt her. To freak out.

“All right,” Maxem cracked a sly grin, “You want to play this game? Let’s play. I have no trouble getting up close and personal. Ripping your guts out, I’ve done it before.”

Surprise flickered over her face for not even a second, then she just looked sick. When she poured herself a glass of water, the eye contact was broken.

Maxem felt something snap in his brain the moment she looked away. Like a string being cut. While Shara drank like she crossed the desert. Maxem stared away into nothing and felt all the life draining from his body. Pooling out through his hands and feet. The complete and utter desire for destruction, for murder was gone.

A light switched off in his brain and made everything dark and numb. The rage had made place with emptiness, an incapability to access anything remotely similar.

Shara took her place at the table and started fiddling with her hair. A tiredness had washed over her.

“You just manipulated me,” Maxes stated deadpan.   
“I heavily steered the conversation, there was no manipulating going on,” Shara didn’t smile with her lie and didn’t get up again, “I can show you manipulation if you want, I do it quite well.”

“Fuck off with your Libixian bullshit,” Maxem prompted but placed his hands firmly around his wrists, “I’m sick of all of you fucking me around.”

Shara observed him and put the glass down, “Why don’t we do something useful. Let’s go running.”   
Maxem shook his head and moved back to the couch. It was all part of Vivienne’s brilliant routine.

“Leave me alone, I don’t have any energy for this.”

“Nope, I won’t,” Shara hopped on the armrest, “We just need to get out of this house. Heck I need to get out of this house and you’re coming with me.”

He slapped her hand away as she tried to grab his, though it was still gloved.

“No. I don’t want a repeat of last time we went out, it’s not for me.”

“The outdoors don’t have mirrors,” she pulled out some running shoes and threw them on his lap, “Come on, get dressed. You can get back to your sulking after.”

Maxem dragged his feet upstairs only to get away from her. Though nowadays getting undressed didn’t mean anything. Shara poked her face in every private situation. Next to that she didn’t seem to mind whatever Maxem might have a look at either.

“Turn around,” he commanded when she had changed in her own jogging outfit within minutes.

“Yeah yeah,” Shara didn’t really turn around as just look somewhere else.

Hard to understand as Maxem rather not look at his own body at all. Every evening he drenched the bed in sweat not only of night terrors but of too much clothes. But he could not risk her seeing the revolting body that he had to deal with.

The scars were numerous and he had hardly a hint of recollection for any of them. Next to that his body bruised like an old apple. He could smack his fist against the wall or tap his knee against the table and expect it to be colourful for weeks straight.

If it wasn’t bad enough, the medicine made his skin dry and flakey. Gatou made elaborate attempts to cover his body in cream, in either sensual or parental ways. Those memories brought out the worst in him.

“Still not done?” Shara complained and stretched her legs, “I’m an expert in taking off pants if you want some help.”

“No,” Maxem said flat out and used the cupboard door to kinda obscure his body from her sight.

She didn’t even put in an effort to look away anymore. What if she actually wanted to follow up on all her innuendos. Those lighthearted pokes at him were either mocking or interest and Maxem wasn’t sure if he could deal with either of them.

She urged him out the door when he finally managed to get some jogging pants on. Outside the sunlight was harsh and the people around all had an extra long look when he walked past. Shara pretended not to notice everybody whispering behind their backs.

“Are you ready?” Shara asked when they reached the park, “We can circle around the park a couple of times, between the trees it should be a bit cooler.”

Maxem shook his head and couldn’t even look to where she was pointing. The sunglasses on his crooked nose didn’t do anything to hide him or his face. Moving between all these people, all these eyes on his, was impossible. Running home started to become a very feasible option. That way everyone would get what they wanted.

Shara moved closer and offered him some water, “Let’s do this, one round and we can go from there. It’ll clear your mind. Come on.”

She jogged a few steps away from him to see if he would follow. There he was standing there like a dog too scared to follow. It was pathetic, just like she said. He only wanted Gatou to come back to him. It was just a run around the park for crying out loud, how hard could it be?.

“Come on,” Shara said again and bend to try and catch his eyes.

She wouldn’t find them behind the shades even if he was looking. Standing still in the middle of the path would attract even more attention the longer he stood there so he started moving.

Shara made sure she ran at his pace, though it became obvious she started having trouble keeping up. Maxem only wanted to run away as fast as possible. Away from all the preening eyes and judging looks. Gatou wasn’t between them anyhow.   
The whole conversation with Shara earlier still lingered. All the true words she had spoken. It was all for the attention. Gatou’s attention. He strung him along, against his will. Now that he finally found a way to escape, found himself a girlfriend, Maxem still wanted him back.

Being happy for him didn’t seem possible. He only could revel in self pity and whine about the tragedy that was his life.

Air was tearing away in his throat and there was no saliva in his mouth to ease the itch. Lungs were burning and every step he took should’ve been his last.

Gatou would never love him and he could never return any affection given. He was hopelessly lost.

Quickly he moved to the nearest tree, bend over and puked.

“Oh shit,” Shara panted as she caught up and squatted down, “Here drink something.”

Maxem took the bottle but didn’t drink. Not to dirty the water. All his clothes were constraining and completely wet. But he didn’t take anything off, he couldn’t. Nobody should see him, nobody should notice him here.

“Let’s go home,” Shara patted his back but he slapped her hand away.

“Give me a fucking minute,” Maxem spat on the ground and wiped his mouth, “Fuck.”

“I can give Vivienne a call, she can pick us up.”

Maxem shook his head and dropped the bottle. He wanted to cry, not face Vivienne’s pitied look or endless lectures. Why was he out here anyway? Running like he was some sort of normal person. Pretending that it was good for anything at all. That he would be any worthwhile addition to life.

Why did he even leave the house? With his sickness he should be locked in, locked up. Camera’s to watch his every move. Food and medicine at set times in mornings and evening. No social contact, no visitors. No Gatou.

He really wanted to cry but tears didn’t come. Shara was staring at him so he swallowed. She raised her eyebrows when he looked at her, but kept silent.

“This was a mistake,” he said as he walked away.

 


	5. Chapter 5

“It’s just a movie,” Shara said again and held his coat up.

Maxem stared at her and she wiggled her eyebrows seductively. It had been a week since the mall, but the event was still fresh in his memory.

“At this hour the cinema will practically be empty, you have nothing to worry about,” Shara eventually dumped the coat on him, too impatient to keep it there, “No mirrors there either.”

“Go with her, Maxem,” Vivienne said and grabbed her car keys, “I’ll give you guys a ride and will do some shopping in the mean time.”

Maxem watched the television screen without actually looking. Frankly he couldn’t care less. If he spend his entire day in front of this screen or another. It wouldn’t matter. Next to that, Vivienne wasn’t requesting anything.

He put on his coat, cap and sunglasses and dragged his feet towards to car. Shara showed him the timetable and was trying to get him interested in any of the movies playing. He wasn’t. There might have been a time where he would have had a preference. In his youth, going to college, making movies of his own. Now they were bitter reminders of a life that could’ve been, but never was. He’d even forgiven his mother for all she did, if he could only go back to any of it.

Carefully he scratched the scars on his wrists to make them turn red. His nails weren’t sharp enough to make it bleed.

Shara bopped him with the leaflet and frowned, but kept her comments to herself. She didn’t tell Vivienne, but she would at the end of the day report.   
It wasn’t like it was a secret they shared every tidbit of information they had about him. Long nights discussing everything he did and didn’t do.

Eventually Shara picked a movie for them, something cheery. A horrendous comedy that explained every little joke twice to only repeat it an hour later. But Shara seemed to enjoy herself and it was nice to have something distracting him from Gatou and death.

Even if they were without Vivienne she still kept a close eye on him. He did not dare to push up his sleeves to try cancel out the numbing feeling. He really needed to, pinching and scratching didn’t do the trick.

“I only need to go to the bathroom,” he told her and other people were already looking at them funny.

“You need to not be alone. Ever,” she gave him a grimace, “You have two options here. Let me go in with you or hold it in until we’re back home.”

“Or you can get of my bloody fucking back and be reasonable about this,” he tuned down his voice, “I’m not about to off myself in a disgusting public toilet.”

“Maybe not. That doesn’t mean you won’t try to hurt yourself. Or run away somewhere,” Shara shook her head determined, “Shall we go in? I’ve seen it all before, believe me.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m okay with that,” Maxem snapped, “We’ve been over this. Fucking hell.”

“That’s all right, we can work on that,” she ushered him through the door and didn’t look at all the boys that cheered and whistled.   
Maxem instantly panicked of all the attention, but there was no way out with Shara in the way. She practically almost pushed him in one of the stalls, without ever touching him.

“Go ahead, I won’t look,” she locked the door and waited.

Maxem looked down at the toilet bowl and felt his insides cramp up. Now it wasn’t just her being here, but everyone knew she was in here with him. This wasn’t like all those times that she walked in on him. It was impossible.

The whole situation was absolutely bizarre and he couldn’t. He couldn’t open his zipper now. Not for her. Not for Gatou who wanted him too so badly. Though he knew about his mutilated dick.

Shara must’ve felt his unease as she turned around, “It’s too weird? Shall we go home instead?”

“Or you step one metre out of the stall,” he spat but bit his lip.

With her hand on the lock she hesitated. Then she gave in and stepped outside.

Maxem had to stifle his sigh of relief and looked down at the toilet again. Of course he didn’t have to go, but he could hardly fake it. Fantasies flooded his head of him puking, ripping his arms open, putting his head down and flushing.

He wouldn’t do the trick, but it would be a nice addition to the list of attempts. Next to a jab at Shara.

“I can come in again and help you speed things up,” Shara knocked on the door.

“Fuck off,” Maxem pushed his zipper down but felt too uneasy. It wasn’t going to happen. Admitting defeat came like a second nature to him anyhow.

“Let’s go home,” he pushed past her out of the toilets into the cinema.

There people were everywhere and he felt dizzy. With his gaze fixed he set off for the car park. He realised too late that they needed Vivienne for that and he might be stuck here if she wasn’t done yet.

When he turned around he saw Shara running towards him. It was quick to see he could outrun her in moments. This was again, a perfect opportunity. But in fact he couldn’t be bothered and the quickest way to the safety of his bed was to wait.

Maxem dragged his hands over his face and waited until she closed in, “Vivienne drove us here, I forgot.”

“You horrible moron,” panting she slapped him playfully on the am, “Viv would’ve had my head on a stick. And after all this trouble we went through, geez.”

“Call her up, I want to get out of here,” he said and leaned on the car, tired.

It hadn’t escaped his noticed that she took a lot of liberties with their ‘no touching’ rule. Though her hands were almost always gloved, she patted and slapped him more times than he could remember. Back in the hospital in was too hectic with Gatou and Vivienne and all the panic going through his head. But he remembered.

He’d have to be more careful around her, on his toes, at all times. It wasn’t a coincidence that Vivienne picked her specifically as his babysitter. He never thought anything of it, but Vivienne had been asking a lot of questions about Shara during their sessions. What he thought about her, if they were getting along.

Maxem shrugged every single time. What did it matter? She was either paid, crazy or had ulterior motives for being here with him. No-one in their right mind would humour Vivienne or Maxem for such a long time.

 


	6. Chapter 6

She was picking out movies again, this time at home. Asking if he had already seen one or the other. He had. He had seen a lot of movies, but he didn’t tell her anything.

He was lying on the couch with the game controller on his stomach. Tears were burning behind his eyelids and he wanted to cry but couldn’t. Not only because Shara was in the room.

There was no point to it. It was not like he was ever going to be a productive member of society. He didn’t understand why they were bothering, why they put in so much effort.

Everytime he asked they replied with lies about how every life was precious. That he was still worth something, that his life was worth living. He couldn’t give up, he survived so much hardship. It would be a waste to end it now.

The Petshop had at least made use of him, though he couldn’t remember his time there. A place where they could use his body for something sounded ten times better than being stuck in his own mind like this.

He bit his lip. Hoping very hard Shara didn’t pick up his dreaded train of thought. Or make everything worse by calling Vivienne.

Vivienne had nothing new to offer. Maxem had already told her everything that he could remember and in return she had kept her mouth shut. It wasn’t a fair trade.

Shara was still rambling about the movie selection, she should know.

“Shara?” he interrupted and instantly regretted it.

Even if she knew it didn’t mean he wanted to owe her favours. Nor did he wanted her to know how desperate he was for answers.

“You like that one?” she looked up from the screen she was browsing on, “It’s very old, I hope they have it on demand.”

She was on high alert and trying to masquerade it with more talk of movies.

“Don’t buy the lemon scented dishwashing liquid anymore,” he rambled instead after a while and almost broke the skin of his bottom lip.

He was absolutely positive he could feel her staring gaze fixated on him. Sifting through all the emotions that were bubbling under the surface. Looking straight through his weak excuse.

“All right,” for a moment it sounded like she was going to keep it at that, “You don’t like lemon then?”

Maxem shrugged and kept his eyes covered with his arms.

“You can join Vivienne for grocery shopping once in a while too, if you like. Or perhaps make dinner for us. I heard you were quite the cook.”

“You heard wrong,” he grumbled but couldn’t keep his heart from racing.

Who had told her that? Did she talk to Gatou about things too? What did they talk about? How much did she know.

“Not even for Sasake?” she asked him and pretended to be interested in her screen again.

“What?” he didn’t want to look up but it was almost automatic, “How the fuck do you know Sasake?”

“We met at the hospital,” she didn’t even look up anymore, “And she would like to see you, talk to you. I told her she could come over for dinner.”

“You’re shitting me,” Maxem groaned and curled himself up into a ball, “You better call her back and say tell it’s going to be without me. She’s only going to spy for Gatou.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Shara put the screen down on her lap, “She’s your friend, she’s worried about you. You haven’t spoken to her in weeks.”

“No Gatou is feeling guilty for dumping me for a girl, so he’s putting Sasake up to this. To make it look like there are no hard feeling.”

“He’s worried about you too.”

“He stopped calling every single day, must be too busy fucking that girl,” Maxem stretched and jumped off the couch.

“No, he hasn’t. I rerouted his calls to my phone. To make sure you didn’t have a nervous breakdown everytime the phone rang.” Shara leaned over the chair to make sure she kept her eyes on him.

“How considerate,” Maxem spat but felt his stomach tighten.

He only walked to the kitchen to have something to do and now that he was there, he couldn’t do anything.

“Anyhow, I don’t want to see Sasake, call her off,” he laid his hands down on the cold marble.

It would crack his skull right open, given enough force.

Shara sighed loudly, “We’re going to do this Maxem. You can’t keep pushing people away. She cares about you, you’ve been through a lot.”

“Don’t bring me that bullshit when I don’t remember anything of it. And nobody wants to tell me what happened,” Maxem raised his voice a little but lacked the strength in his body.

There was no fire burning.

“It’s not about the past, it’s also about what is going on right now,” Shara continued and ignored his desire to stop this conversation.

“Oh? So now that you’ve lived with me a couple of days you call yourself an expert? Going to psychoanalyse me as well?”

Maxem was tired of these mind games, he was so tired of everything.

“It was an observation,” Shara tried but had already lost him, “If you don’t talk to me I won’t know what’s right, or what you want.”  

Maxem shook his head and headed for the stairs, “I want to not do any of this.”

It didn’t take long before she followed him up.

“Leave me alone,” he walked into the bathroom but it didn’t have a lock.

“No, Maxem,” Shara pushed the door open and he spun around, “Tell me what is wrong.”

“Didn’t you hear anything I just said? Don’t make her come over, call it off.”

He wanted to ignore her, sit on the toilet, sit in a cold bath, do whatever. Alone. But he couldn’t, she wouldn’t let him. Ever.

“Why?” Shara asked and locked eyes with him.   
Maxem felt an uneasy bubble form in his stomach. There was guilt towards Sasake, what he put her through time and time again. How he yelled at her, hurt her, abused her, because it was so much easier than talking to Gatou.

And how he longed to talk to Gatou. Longed to hear his voice say everything would be all right.

But Shara was still standing there, looking at him. It made him want to scream, cry and break down, but all he did was close his eyes for a moment and breathe.

Nothing returned and everything become muffled and far away.

Shara looked disappointed, she would not get what she wanted. Neither would he.

“You’re not talking to Vivienne either,” Shara accused and tried to meet his eyes again.

“There is nothing to talk about. I told her everything I know.”

“There is plenty to talk about,” Shara looked at him while he kept his hand on the door for stability.

She didn’t move or stop this nonsense.

“You can talk to her about what Gatou had said, how you felt, what it meant at the time, what it meant when you swallowed a litre of drain cleaner.”

“She knows what I was thinking, there is nothing to talk about,” Maxem motioned her out the door, but she ignored it and stood firm, “I can tell you. It’s not a secret. I hate myself and I want to die.”

She frowned at him, but didn’t have anything to say about it, which proved his point beautifully. Completely out of nowhere she slapped her hand on his. It smacked, sweaty from the glove it used to be in.

Instantly Maxem felt himself become overwhelmed with sickness. Everything was raging in his head and he wanted to laugh and cry and throw up.

When he tried to turn away she wouldn’t let him. Shara held his hand and kept a firm grip with every step he took backwards.

But his knees didn’t want to hold him upright anymore. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and his mouth was pulled into a muscle-stretching smile.

When he reached the wall and slid down on the floor everything had toned down. A strong sense of relaxation and satisfaction remained. Maxem took some deep breaths.

There was no hate in his head, no anxiety in his stomach. Though it felt nice that it was missing, it almost created more anxiety because of its absence. Nothing came. Everything stayed still in his head.

“Finally,” Shara said and let out a long sigh.

“You’re doing this,” Maxem said wanting to be angry, but wasn’t.

“Yeah,” Shara smiled and searched his face, “How does it feel?”

“Shouldn’t you know?” Maxem shook his head and pulled his hand away.

Shara frowned but did not reach out to him again, “You don’t want to feel better?”

“I don’t deserve to feel better,” Maxem curled into himself and let all the bad feelings wash over him in gentle waves.

At loss for words, Shara looked at him. She didn’t even deny it. He fought back more tears.

“Is this why you are here?” Maxem turned to the wall, “So you can manipulate my emotions to make me feel better? To regulate me when I fall out of line?”

“No. That’s not why I’m here,” Shara started and moved towards the sink for water, “I’m here to help you, to let you experience what it is like to feel good again, to feel anything again. To help you remember those feelings.”

“I don’t remember anything of that fake nonsense you just showed me,” Maxem waved his hand at her and quickly pulled it back, “And I want you to never do that shit again, understood?”

“Why?”

“Get the fuck out of my face before I fucking rip your throat out!” Maxem exploded and slammed the wall, “Right now!”

In a short moment of shock, Shara stood there with her mouth open. Diviantly. In the end she moved, telling him that she would be downstairs if he needed her.

He didn’t. There was nothing that he needed except for a little alone time.

Vivienne dragged him out of the bathroom that night, feeding him pills, telling him to sleep. They made him sleep a full twentyfour hour cycle.


	7. Chapter 7

Maxem didn’t apologize when he came downstairs, but by the looks Vivienne was giving him, he was expected to. Instead he opted for ignoring Shara as best as he could.

“So things aren’t going very well between you and Shara,” Vivienne started in a session.

Maxem didn’t answer when no question was asked.

“Do you feel like you or she did something wrong?”

“Yes,” Maxem said and let her do all the hard work.

“Please elaborate,” Vivienne ordered already knowing that this was going to take a while.

Maxem wanted to say no, but couldn’t, “She invaded my privacy, my personal space and touched me. Performed her magic on me, without my consent.”

Vivienne nodded and took a moment to write stuff down on her tablet, “And you didn’t like how she made you feel?”

“No,” Maxem said and frowned.

It was too much to hope she would be on his side on this issue.

“Could you describe the feeling for me? Tell me what was wrong with it.”

How was he expected to do that? Describe a feeling. It would be easier to have Shara come in and do the same bullshit again, to Vivienne. But it would be too easy to rig that system.

He couldn’t trust that girl, as if there had been any doubt about that in the first place.

“Just give it a try,” Vivienne said after a while.

Maxem really didn’t want to. That feeling should be buried forever, never to be seen again. Locked away, throw away the key. But he was stuck with the memory of it. A memory he didn’t want, while he kept begging people for memories he would surely hate. At least, that’s what everyone was telling him, they were liars, all of them.

Maxem looked up from his hands and saw Vivienne waiting patiently.

“I don’t know what I felt,” he shook his head, “She said it was how feeling good should feel like. That I should remember how that felt.”

“You didn’t recognize the feeling?” Vivienne asked, “Not even from your childhood? Moments with Gatou?”

“No,” Maxem pressed his eyes closed for a long hard moment.

“Try to give me an idea.”

Maxem sighed and looked at the clock. There was no way that Vivienne was going to let him get out of here before he said anything on the matter.

“It was a feeling of void. Certain feelings were missing, not even blocked away. And it scared me, but the emotion of being scared didn’t come.”  
“I see,” Vivienne wrote more stuff down, “You told me a lot of times you feel numb of emotion. How was this different?”

“I don’t know,” Maxem didn’t want to talk about things he hadn’t fully analyzed himself.

Perhaps the numbing feeling was when all the emotions were bottled up, bulging out their containers which he was unable to open.

What Shara gave him was opening all the containers and finding nothing inside.

Maxem kept his mouth shut. Vivienne didn’t seem to want to push further on the subject.

“She told me you didn’t want Sasake to come over for dinner.”

“Did she,” it surprised him it had taken this long for her to confront him with this.

“Why is that? I thought you were fond of her?” she tried to look smart while asking stupid questions.

“You know why,” Maxem snapped and lost his interest in telling Vivienne anything.

“Would it have made a difference if I told you she was coming over?”

Apparently the stupid questions continued.

“Why the fuck would that matter!” Maxem was annoyed that they were still talking about how this was still going to happen.

If they were planning dinner parties without his consent he should just prepare something of his own.

“Sasake is your friend. You shouldn’t brush her off for what Gatou did,” Vivienne caught on a bit too late, “Don’t you think she deserves a bit more credit?”

“No,” Maxem said firmly, “It doesn’t matter if she used to pretend to be. For her Gatou always comes first. Her brother comes first.”

“And you don’t trust her that she can keep this separate?”

“No, I know she won’t. Trust doesn’t come into the equation.”

Maxem looked at the clock once more.

“We still have plenty of time left,” Vivienne didn’t even have to look, “I am still curious about Shara. Are you going to ignore her for the complete duration of your stay?”

That was the plan. He hadn’t realised it had been so obvious these last couple of days. But there was no use in denying it. Better play it like it was calculated.

“Why should I stop? It’s going so much better now,” Maxem grimaced sourly and crossed his arms, “Now she can focus on how I shouldn’t kill myself instead of her trying to make me like her.”

“And she ruined all her chances now?” Vivienne seemed to think this was also tremendously interesting.

“She never had a change,” Maxem rolled his eyes, “What the fuck did you expect, really? That we’d become best buds? She’d take my mind off Gatou and killing myself? That I would start living life again? Seriously, Vivienne. Not even her Libixian powers can do something for me.”

“No, because you won’t let her,” Vivienne shook her head disappointingly, “She’s an asset you need to learn how to use.”

“Why the fuck would I even want to?” Maxem yelled, “Why the fuck would I even bother to do anything at all? I’m stuck like this! Nothing is going to fucking change! I don’t want anything, but to die.”

“What about Gatou?” Vivienne asked and looked at him from over her glasses.

If his body wasn’t contaminated by drugs, Maxem would have exploded. Instead his stomach felt like there was still drain cleaner inside. There wasn’t, this he knew, it was only the name being mentioned and all the connotations it held.

The off chance that he would never see Gatou again if he lied about wanting him, it was too big a risk. Maxem didn’t want to play this game.

Vivienne nodded when the pause stretched to a full silence and answered the question for him.

“Well then. Let’s try having his sister over first now shall we.”

After that Maxem was dismissed. When he laid down on the couch, he figured that he didn’t have a choice in playing their game. However he could set up his own. To prove them how serious he was when he said that he didn’t want to see Sasake.

They clearly didn’t seem to understand. It would also provide some necessary distraction. The only thing he needed to do was prepare.

 


	8. Chapter 8

On the night of her visit Vivienne was cooking dinner, downstairs in the kitchen, out of sight. Shara was sitting on the bed telling him all the various things he could wear. Maxem wasn’t listening.

Though his anxiety levels were low considering what he had planned, his mind was heavy and muffled.

The medicine was the culprit, of course. He hadn’t had a clear thought in years. The only thing raging through his mind right now was that he needed to keep his emotions low. Otherwise Shara might find out.

It didn’t matter to him if his whole plan didn’t work out. All he needed was one moment alone.

“So you’re not going to get dressed at all?” Shara asked, not expecting a reply, “Even if she came here on Gatou’s behalf is this really the message you want to send him? ‘I’m doing so bad I even couldn’t dress myself.’ Seriously Maxem.”

Telling her to shut up would be more words than he had spoken to her yesterday. So he didn’t and clenched his teeth.

Then the doorbell rang and his whole body tensed. Shara got up, ready to go downstairs.

“Again if you want some help getting through this. I can…” she waved her hands around, “Just ask me.”

Like he ever would, even if he wanted to.

In the hallway she waited and listened. Maxem did the same, lying still on the bed. His mouth was dry, desperate for water or alcohol.

He could hear voices downstairs, he could feel Shara look at him, waiting for him.

What if she came upstairs? Maxem needed to get up and do something. Say something, tell her she should go on ahead without him.

He stayed on the bed, completely silent, completely still.

Shara sighed.

Then like an explosion both her cellphone and the landline started to ring. She answered with a curt ‘who is this?’ while Vivienne was calling for her, asking if she could get that.

Maxem heard the footsteps on the stairs and the silence that followed. Now was the time. Now he needed to get his ass in gear and get moving. This was the moment he had been waiting for. Everyone gone, distracted.

Still he couldn’t move. He was just lying there, paralyzed. Nothing came. His legs didn’t move, his arms didn’t push him up and he didn’t have much time.

There were voices again downstairs. He could hear Sasake clearly. her voice was nothing like Gatou’s and still, his was the only one that came to mind.

There was a pain in stomach and he got up. With a coin he unscrewed the hook from the window and pushed it all the way open. With little effort he shimmied to the little shed in the back and fled through the garden door.

Any moment he expected to hear screaming and panic. People trying to get him back or recognizing him for who he really was. All stayed calm and peaceful.

Though it was already evening it would still stay light out for a long while. The air was warm and stuffy. He entered an even more stuffier bus and let it take him wherever it was going.

People with lives, feelings and plans of where they were going passed him by. Maxem figured it would probably be a good idea to plan something on his own. Payback or his demise.

Instead he kept watching the scenery through the dirty window. It was unclear how long the bus took to get to its destination, when it did, he was ushered on the streets.

There he wandered around for too long. Several times he thought about Gatou, about food, about his medication. But he kept on walking. When he became too tired he sat down on a bench and wrapped his arms around his head.

He had clearly not thought this through. Somehow this might be worse than meeting with Sasake, the loneliness certainly wasn’t making him feel better. So there he was, the suicidal guy that fled from his babysitters, too lethargic to even cut himself.

He tried to blame the medicine, but knew it was all him. Maybe if he waited long enough somebody would recognize him and do the killing for him.

That seemed like the easiest way to go.

Nobody came, nobody spared him a second glance. Maxem sighed wishing that nobody would hear, nobody did.

Even Vivienne and Shara took their sweet time finding him. Maybe they would call Gatou, maybe he was searching for him right now.

So Maxem stood up and started walking again. He didn’t know the town. He didn’t know where Vivienne lived compared to Gatou or compared to where he was right now. It was all foreign.

He wandered past homes and big office buildings. Through enormous parking lots and parks. There were store windows selling so many different products. Nothing registered, nothing ran a bell indicating he had been there before.

Suddenly someone grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

“Cyde? It is you!” she seemed pleased to see him and let him go, “It’s been such a long time.”

Maxem shook his head in confusion and felt his tongue thick in his mouth, “I’m sorry you must’ve confused me with someone else.”

He tried to look at the girl more carefully, but her face wasn’t familiar. That she called him by a different name might be a good thing. He wouldn’t know what to do if she actually knew who he was.

“No, no, you are. You’re Cyde, your face is hard to forget,” she smiled hesitantly, “Don’t you remember me? Dove? Petshop in Lemniskaat City?”

Maxems frown deepened and he searched her face again. Nothing came to mind, everything surrounding the Petshop was a blank. But she knew, she could tell him.

“Do you want to grab a cup of coffee?” she asked and looked at her phone, “Catch up?”

For a moment Maxem considered saying no. Gatou’s words floated through his head telling him it was for his own good. That it was better not to know. What if he was right?

They walked together to a local coffee house and picked out the most secluded table.

“You really don’t remember me, do you?” she asked when they sat down with their drinks.

Maxem shook his head and stayed quiet. Let her do all the talking.

“Well for what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re doing okay. Got out of there,” she pointed at her neck, covered by a big scarf, “Though you were pretty good.”

With a smile she scanned the room, sipping her expensive iced mochaccino.

“They wouldn’t let me see you, when you came back that time. Rabbit protested nonstop.”

Maxem gave her a blank stare in return. She laughed for a short moment, awkwardly.

“There were some rumours that they did something with your memory while you were at the main shop, didn’t realise it was this bad.”

“Sorry, I’m not very good company,” Maxem put the cup to his lips and put it down again.

“No, no, don’t apologise, don’t be silly,” Dove smiled at him, “I mean, I’m happy to see you. I’ve missed you since you left. But I suppose life hasn’t been kind to you.”

Maxem pressed his lips together and looked down at the table.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up any bad memories.”

“Isn’t that what catching up is all about,” Maxem didn’t want her to stop talking because he didn’t want to talk himself.

“Well I remember those scars,” she hesitantly touched the corners of her mouth, “I healed those as best I could. Mister Takashi tried so hard to keep you safe.”

“You have healing powers? Did you heal more stuff?” Maxem particularly hated those scars, “Who did this?”

“Well yeah. It was such a mess, so much blood. I don’t know who did it. You did a lot of it yourself,” she looked away uncomfortably, “A wire bound around your head, cutting in your mouth. Bound around your wrists.”

Maxem put his hands under the table, his hands were sweaty. He never realised the scars were all his doing, his own fault. It went so much further than self harm. Like his dick, mutilated.

“I’m a bit fuzzy about the details, they didn’t let me see you when you came back,” she shrugged, “They told me you had a lot more injuries that time. They were bringing you back to your boyfriend.”

Maxem froze at the mention of him, this was not the road he wanted to go down.

“How did you get out?” he let his coffee grow cold and fiddled with the spoon, “Is there a Petshop here in town? What happened with the one in the City?”

“I moved here after,” she looked up in his eyes, “Well after you and they shut us down in the City. I guess the bad publicity got to us, but it doesn’t matter.”

“So do you still work there? As a… prostitute?” Maxem asked her and leaned back to create more distance.  

“A prostitute?” she hissed, finding the notion ridiculous, “We were never prostitutes. Pets, taken care of, loved. Don’t you remember anything of that?”

“So you do?” Maxem asked her firmly.

“Oh no, no I left. All on good terms of course, they were wonderful. The most amazing going away party you’ve ever seen,” she shoved the scarf to the side to show an white collar, laced with glittering diamonds, “I kept this though. It’s hard getting rid of it after such a long time. It’s almost a tribute. Did you keep yours?”

Did he have one just like it? Did Gatou or Vivienne take it off? Did he cut it himself? Sold the diamonds for hard money?

“But really, enough about me,” Dove smiled and reached out for him over the table, “What have you been up to? I heard so many things, but here you are. Up and about walking the streets.”

“I’m fine,” Maxem told her but rubbed his neck nervously.

He couldn’t look her in the eyes, something he usually did when he told a lie, to make sure they believed him. They never did and she didn’t look too convinced either.

“So what are you doing in this part of town?” she hid her suspicion with a smile.

“Shopping,” Maxem shrugged.

Did they have these casual conversations when they were still in the Petshop? What if she noticed the difference, what if anyone else noticed him? Dove look at him for a moment.

“Are you and your boyfriend still together? What was his name again?”

Maxem inhaled sharply, trying to stop breathing but hearing his own heartbeat smashing in his ribcage. Dove was looking at him expectantly, waiting for a reaction.

“I need to go.”

Within a second he was out the door onto the street again. He felt like he should be crying, but his tears didn’t come. It stayed empty inside him.

When Dove came running after him, calling out his supposed name, he didn’t turn around.

Now everyone was definitely look at them, all eyes were on him. It would only take a few more moments before they all knew who he was. Getting him, catching, drugging, manipulating him into obedience.

“Cyde, wait,” Dove grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back.

“Don’t touch me,” he snapped and wanted to punch her.

Instead she looked around to the people on the street. Everyone quickly pretended to mind their own business. She held up her hands in surrender.

“Cyde, please,” she started again and lowered her voice, “Do you need help? Are you in any kind of trouble?”

“I’m fine, I need to go,” Maxem tried again but she stopped him again before he got away.

“Can we meet again? Do you have a number I could call?”  
Maxem saw the plea in her eyes and felt a need to get rid of it. She had already ran him down on the street, she was not just about to let him go. This way his only lead.

“Fine,” he told her and whipped out his phone to recite his number.

The glee in her eyes shined as she copied it into hers and hugged him. He waited patiently until it was over and wanted to burn his skin when she finally let go.

“Thank you,” she said and smiled brightly, “Don’t worry, it’s all going to be okay.”

She finally let him walk away.

 


	9. Chapter 9

For some reason he wanted to go home and lay down in bed. But there was no way of doing that. Reaching out to Vivienne would mean he wouldn’t see daylight again. Though that didn’t bother him that much.

Never having a moment of privacy would be the major consequence. Not the mention Sasake was very likely still there, witness to his pathetically weak escape from dinner.

After a while he seriously considered calling Gatou. The only thing he wanted was to be held and cry his eyes out.

None of it was possible. Gatou didn’t want him. He had never been enough. He had been foolish to even think that this relationship without sex was possible. No matter how many times Gatou had tried to reassure him they were going to make it work.

It had been a lie every single time. Though he wanted to see or even hear Gatou so very badly.

Which left Shara, the elusive girl that worked for Vivienne. He had to assume that every word he spoke to her would be played along. With her mind tricks she could mold him into a perfect citizen. Someone Gatou could love, have sex with.

But she could do too little and it was too late. The bird had flown. Her role in this hole arrangement had become completely superfluous.

That Vivienne was keeping her around was almost cruel. In the end it all ended up to the fact that there was nobody he could call. So he laid himself down on a bench.

The sun had set hours before, but it never grew dark. The park carried an excess of streetlights. Unable to sleep he laid still for what felt like hours. Racing tracks from the game Vivienne made him play over and over in his head.

It didn’t register at the time that an old man came and sit down next to him. But then the smell became overwhelming and Maxem had to look.

There was food in his beard and tears in his jacket. The sneakers he was wearing were several sizes too large and too new. His smile showed he was missing several teeth, by the state of the rest he was bound to lose more.

“Good evening to ya,” the man said and the scent coming from his mouth was even worse, “Lovely night for a stroll, don’t ya think?”

Maxem didn’t know what considered a night to be particularly good for a stroll so he didn’t say anything.

Why was the man sitting here, next to him? Did he want something, why was he talking? What did he mean by stroll, they were both sitting on a bench for fucks sake.

“I always come out here by my lonesome,” the man continued, oblivious to Maxems panic, “Don’t see many young’uns out at this hour. What are you up to, ey? Escaping a lovers spat? Or waiting to meet someone for a quick romp in the bushes? You get all kinds here.”

Maxem felt paralysed by fear and tried very hard to focus on his breathing but failed to do so.

What was this man suggesting? Did he want sex? Did he know he used to work in the Petshop? Where did he get that information? Did that girl spread rumours, this fast?

“What do ya say skippy? Cat got your tongue?”

The man slapped Maxems knee and kept staring at him. When he jumped up, he tripped and stumbled. Reaching for words as well as footing. When he found one of them, he ran.

As fast as he could, as long as he could. Seemed like Vivienne’s and Shara’s training schedule paid off in some way.

Then there was only one thought. He needed to call Vivienne.

He pushed himself inside a darkened entrance door of a closed building. There were too many people around and they could all see him. But he couldn’t move, not again. It was far too dangerous.

His phone took ages to boot and before he could dial a number, he was spammed by incoming messages and missed calls. He disregarded them all.

While he waited for the dial tone he looked around the street. He was too out in the open here, they would find him.

“Good gracious, Maxem?” Vivienne called out, “Is that you?”

Maxem nodded and pushed himself further against the wall, “Come and get me please.”

“We’ll come right away. Are you hurt?” Vivienne’s worry didn’t cease, “Are you in any kind of trouble?”

“No, just hurry the fuck up,” Maxem slid down on the hard stones.

“Of course, of course, right away,” in the background there were voices and sounds of a car starting, “I’m going to hand you over to Shara, is that alright? Stay put.”

Maxem sighed and let his phone dangle. There was no reason for him to do this. Throwing himself off a bridge shouldn’t be that hard. All he wanted was for this and everything to end.

Far away Shara was calling out his name repeatedly. He placed the phone back to his ear.

“I’m here, I’m here. When will you guys be here?”

“As soon as possible. Vivienne is racing as we speak. We have your general location, could you give us a more specific one?”

“No,” Maxem replied and closed his eyes for a second.

Couldn’t let his guard down while he was out in the open.

“I’m too tired.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll find you, hang in there,” Shara tried but she wasn’t very persuasive over the phone.

She wouldn’t stop talking either, wouldn’t stop asking questions he didn’t want to answer. When they found him, he didn’t want to get up. But he did so anyway. Anxiety was still exploding inside his stomach.

Shara looked at him but couldn’t catch his gaze. They were driving in silence now. They better be. The moment either of them would open their mouth, he would jump out of the car.

He checked the lock. Of course they locked it.

“That was very clever of you,” Shara started suddenly, “To unscrew the hook of the window.”

Maxem didn’t dignify it with a response. As long as she didn’t say anymore.

“Guess there was no other way to make sure that dinner didn’t happen,” Shara continued unfazed, “We were too stubborn to listen.”

The fact that it was justified stayed unmentioned, but was clearly present in the tone of her voice.   
Vivienne wisely kept her mouth shut. Not responding to Shara’s drivel in which she vocally disagreed with Vivienne’s way. Maybe she wanted to keep the peace, maybe she didn’t mind.

“Man I’m absolutely starving,” Shara continued, not caring that nobody wanted her to talk, “And poor Sasake, thinking it was all her fault.”

Maxem recognized what she was still tried to do. Again. But he kept staring straight out of the window. He had warned them, that was all he could say on the matter. 


	10. Chapter 10

When they finally got home, Maxem went straight to bed. He had expected, he had hoped they would have dinner first and leave him alone to rest. Vivienne didn’t.   
Without saying a word she bolted the window locked. Tears pounded behind his eyes with every strike of the hammer. Shara walked in and stood still for a moment.   
First she put her plate of food down before she laid a hand on Vivienne’s shoulder and another on the hand ready to strike another nail in.   
“Why don’t you leave that for tomorrow,” she suggested.   
Vivienne sighed before she complied and walked out the door. Closing the door behind her.   
Maxem watched her go, but held his breath when Shara came to sit on the bed.   
“She’ll turn around.”  
That was the last thing Maxem needed. It made him regret calling her. He should have called Gatou. Fuck he missed him so much.   
Without saying anything Shara’s hand hovered over his shoulder. A sign that she knew exactly what he was thinking of. More invasive than any open door.   
“I can help you,” she told him again, “If not for yourself, then do it for Gatou.”  
“Why the fuck would I want to do anything for that worthless piece of shit ever again,” yelled Maxem but quickly turned around again.   
Knowing he had been caught in her web.   
“What did he do? Tell me,” she almost laid a hand on him again but caught herself and put on her gloves.   
“No, fuck off,” breaking his promise not to say anything at all.   
“What horrible deed has he done that you would not even see his sister?” Shara continued, ignoring his demand, “Did he abuse you?”  
The notion was ridiculous. Gatou couldn’t hurt a fly. The only abusing was done by himself.  
“Did he cheat on you?”  
He might as well could have. But it wasn’t true as far as Maxem knew. And that was the terrible part. There was still a chance that he hadn’t fucked this other girl yet.   
Maxem stayed silent, she should be able to feel his distress, without him having to say anything out loud.  
“So he had sex with someone else?” she kept looking at him, “The way he has been calling you every day, it seems like he really regrets it. Even if he did, why don’t you let him explain?”  
What was left to explain? Gatou made it perfectly clear. Maxem wasn’t enough. He had never been enough. And he couldn’t even remember the reason why he felt so fucked up inside.   
“Do you know why he did it? You’ve been together for a long time, haven’t you?”   
She kept on pushing and prodding. Even Vivienne didn’t dare to ask any of these questions so bluntly.   
“Why don’t you fight for it?” again her hand hovered but she brushed her hair away, “He’s more than willing.”  
“Why, why, why!” Maxem yelled and felt his voice break, “If he wanted to to fight for it, he wouldn’t have fucked her in the first place!”  
It felt so final now that he had said it. Gatou fucked someone else. A girl. Someone better than him. Pretty, pure, stable and horny. Someone who wanted him as much as he wanted her.   
He felt tremendously sick.   
“People make mistakes,” she said.   
Not softly or accusing. Just a matter of fact.   
“No, not him. Not about this,” Maxem shook his head and pushed it into his pillow, “He knew this would ruin me. He fucking knew. He hasn’t touched me in months, he hasn’t tried… And for good reason! I can’t… I c-can’t.”   
He stopped when his words weren’t coherent anymore. Shara wouldn’t understand. She shouldn’t need to know.   
“What’s holding you back?” Shara didn’t seem to understand the hint.   
“No, fuck off,” Maxem mumbled in his pillow, “I don’t want to fucking talk about this.”  
“Why not eat some food instead?” Shara motioned to the plate of cold food, “And listen to me talk.”  
He didn’t grab the plate to eat, she didn’t start talking. Instead she turned off the light and laid down next to him.   
“I had a friend, a boyfriend, a few years back,” though they didn’t touch he could feel her warmth beside him, “He was sick and miserable. He used my powers to feel good. And I let him, because I believed I could save him. But he became addicted on me and I on his dependance on me. Making him sick just so he would come to me.”  
Maxem stayed silent. There were no words to speak of. No things to do.   
“He’s dead now,” Shara mentioned casually, “Suicide, jumped.”  
With a frown, Maxem turned around, her face was veiled in shadows.   
“And Vivienne chose you as my babysitter? That’s not a very reassuring thought.”  
“So your death threats are empty?” Shara giggled briefly, “Colour me surprised.”  
“Really?” Maxem sat up, “A long ruse for that?”  
He wanted to say more but his voice was quivering. There was no doubt that he wanted to die, no doubt at all. It seemed to be the only way of stopping the damage he was doing. To erase his meaningless existence from the world.   
“It wasn’t a lie,” Shara said and looked up at him, “It makes me attracted to you, but also very, very careful.”  
“What the fuck are you going on about, seriously,” Maxem felt panic rush through his stomach.   
The windows were bolted now, the door to the hallway his only way out.   
“Don’t get it the wrong way,” she was still lying on the bed, “I’m trying to explain why I want to touch you. Help you. Why it’s hard to for me when you won’t let me.”  
“You’re fucking crazy,” Maxem couldn’t see her face, “Does Vivienne know about this?”  
“Yes, well mostly,” Shara admitted, “But I’m in control. You know Libixians are all about control.”  
After giving in and nibbling from the food Maxem turned to her.   
“And you like to be out of it, from time to time,“ he licked his fingers, “Of control, I mean.”  
“Shara laughed and held up her hands, “It always takes two, doesn’t it. To be in or out of control. To feel weak or powerful. Guess it must be strange for you. To experience Gatou so out of it. He is suppose to have it. He should be the one to have a handle on the situation. The answers and the solution. That’s not easy.”  
Maxem didn’t know if she was right or not, he certainly didn’t want to think about it.   
“It must be scary for him too. To be completely blind like this,” she spoke softly, “Not knowing if he will ever see you again.”   
“You sure like to talk about Gatou, don’t you,” Maxem remarked and stopped eating.   
He had enough. It seemed to shut her up.   
“Are we done talking now? I want to sleep.”  
She didn’t move beside him when he rolled up in his blanket.   
Why did she stop talking? Did Gatou set her up to this? Some positive propaganda to save his face. Would he want to know if Maxem ever wanted to see him again?   
Quickly he banished the thought from his mind, which was easier said than done.   
Shara didn’t speak after that. Eventually she turned to bed as well, making sure he was asleep before she was.


	11. Chapter 11

Vivienne invited him into his office the following day. Not the normal day nor hour for his therapy sessions, but Maxem hadn’t expected anything less after yesterday.   
So he sat in the chair and waited. Never answering to questions that were not asked. As always Vivienne did the same. Waiting for the day that Maxem would start talking on his own accord. They let time go to waste.   
“Tell me about your trip yesterday,” Vivienne sighed, “Walk me through it step by step.”   
“I snuck out, took a bus, wandered around, called you,” Maxem recounted and felt his palms sweat but kept his gaze.   
Vivienne searched his face and raised her eyebrows at the feeble attempt of half truths.   
“Why did you call me, in the end,” Vivienne asked, “Why not sooner or later?”   
“I was tired,” it was the only truth.   
Nothing else mattered.   
“Why didn’t you kill yourself?”  
It was Maxems turn to look up in surprise. Vivienne held this gaze perfectly, not a hint of sarcasm or taunt. But Maxem had trouble perceiving it as anything but.   
“Excuse me? So now you want to get rid of me?” besides the sarcasm he felt the hollowness sting inside him.   
“No, but you do. You’ve threatened, you’ve tried,” she noted everything down, “So why not now?”  
There was no reason, no answer. Just the burning desire that he should have. Vivienne kept on waiting, tapping her pen impatiently. Eventually Maxem shrugged, eyes cast on the desk.   
“Why did you run away?” Vivienne asked like she didn’t know the answer.   
“You know why,” Maxem said sharply, “I did not want to attend that fucking dinner party.”  
“Okay,” Vivienne said hesitantly and wrote more stuff down, “Sasake was really worried. You should give her a call.”  
“I should also run and eat my greens,” Maxem spat, “Maybe reclaim my right to my inheritance. That would really do some good.”  
Vivienne shook her head, “You’ve been here for weeks, Maxem. It’s time to get serious.”  
“Why the fuck am I even here? This was not my fucking decision!” yelled Maxem and grabbed the armchair, whitening his knuckles, “This was your idea, your brilliant plan to rescue me! You should’ve left me to die! Nobody gives a shit, you’ll be doing everyone a fucking favor!”  
“I do care. Sasake cares about you. Shara too,” Vivienne pressed her lips together, “Gatou cares. He wants to be with you.”  
“Like fuck he does. He wants to fuck some girl, because I can’t give him any,” Maxem felt the tears burning now, “Love nor sex.”  
“You can,” Vivienne looked him straight in the eyes, “Remember how you felt after the treatment?”  
“I was fucking crazy,” Maxem seethed, “That was just as fun as this is. And I definitely don’t want to talk about it.”  
“All right, but it is proof that you are capable. You are sick not broken, Maxem,” she continued, “With help, patience and practice you can make this work.”  
Maxem rolled his eyes, “Help and practice, my ass. We have been doing this for years now. I’m done with this shit.”  
“Can’t you see how much you have improved? So much, that Gatou shared this concern with you. Hoping to find a solution together. He was reaching out to you for help.”  
“Wrong,” Maxem dismissed her statement, “He did it because after a couple of horrible years I’m still a disappointment. He wants out, he wants better, he wants what he deserves. So do I, death.”  
“Then why didn’t you?” Vivienne asked calmly, “When you had the chance?”  
“For a moment Maxem stared, at loss for words. Then he grabbed hopelessly between the office supplies in search for something sharp.   
“No wonder, you finally got sick of me as well,” Maxem couldn’t find anything better than a pen, “I’ll give you what you want, right now. Drench your hands with blood.”  
“What I want,” Vivienne stood up and crossed her arms, “Is for you to tell my why you didn’t do it yesterday.”  
“I don’t fucking know!” Maxem yelled and swept everything off the table.   
Sobbing he fell back into the chair and wiped his face. Tears were running short, but his breath had quickened and his hands were shaking uncontrollably. He failed miserably trying to cover up it all.   
Vivienne nodded and put her tablet aside for a moment, “Thank you Maxem, that’s very good. That is progress right there.”


	12. Chapter 12

Maxem didn’t do much after that. Vivienne urged him to keep to his schedule. But all he did was lie on the couch. Sometimes Shara would turn the tv on for him so he wouldn’t be staring into nothingness.

He didn’t want to go out or help with any of the chores. Engagement in any sort of conversation was kept to the absolute bare minimum if he replied at all. Shara kept a close eye on him, but had already moved to the hallway for Gatou’s daily phone call.

Then she changed her mind. Her ringtone filled the room. Maxem didn’t stir.

With half an ear she listened to the voice on the other side, she kept her eyes on Maxem.

“He’s here right now, would you like to speak with him?” she asked and knew the answer.

Maxem had his eyes closed when she knelt besides him. She didn’t bother telling it was for him, but just placed the phone to his ear.

Before he felt the cold device against his face, he hadn’t been paying attention. When he heard Gatou’s voice calling out his name, he thought he was dreaming. Then he opened his eyes and heard his name again.

Shara was looking at him defiantly. Without a word he slapped the phone out of her hand and pushed her backwards on the ground.

“Fuck you, you fucking bitch!” he roared in her face as he held her down, “I will rip your fucking limbs off! You disgusting piece of trash, I’ll fuck you up!”

Shara didn’t do much to fend him off. It only fed the hurricane inside him.

“Calm down,” she squeaked and pushed.   
“Don’t you fucking dare to tell me what to do!” Maxem slapped her hands away again and held her down firmly, “I will skin you alive, you shitting cunt. I’ll fucking kill you!”

When her hands didn’t stop reaching for his face, he hit her. Hard. There was a moment of silence. Hardly broken by faint gasping of breath.

Shara turned to face him again, eyes determined and placed two bare hands on his face. For a second he wanted to hit her again, then everything in his mind went silent.

The pain raging in his chest faded rapidly to a feeble flame. While the strength in his body was flowing away, he rolled off her and curled up to cry.

Shara wasn’t done with him yet and placed her hands on him. A tickle crawled inside his belly and the wicked grin on her face didn’t seem so hostile.

The feeling bubbled up and his voice made the most horrible noises.

Shara laughed with him.

She kept him laughing on the floor for a while and turned the feelings down to a soft glow. Her hands never stopped touching his.

They laid there for a while on the ground breathing softly. He couldn’t help but wonder if Gatou would be still be on the other side of the line. It was impossible to check without letting go of her hand. He was quiet now, lying completely still.

After another moment Shara pushed herself up on her elbows, checking to see if he had fallen asleep.

“How does it feel now?” she asked him softly.

He still flinched when she stroked his hair, clearly awake.

“I don’t feel sorry for hitting you,” he mentioned not looking at her in the eyes, “I should feel sorry.”

“You do, believe me,” she touched her brow, “I’ve just made sure your brain is not focusing on that right now.”

“That’s wrong,” Maxem didn’t take his hand away.

He stayed right where he was.

“It’s a tool,” Shara tried to catch his eyes, “It’s a way I can help you. Something with less side effects than the medication you’re taking now.”

Referring to his clammy and twitchy hand.

“Is this the way I’m suppose to feel?” he asked her, “To be normal?”

“No,” Shara was still touching the sore spot on her face, “This is what people generally feel when they are happy and content. Produced by chemicals that your brain have not been producing lately.”

“This is what you did the other time. In the bathroom,” Maxem continued, “What you did to Vivienne.”

“Yes,” Shara pulled him on his back, “I need you to understand what I can mean to you.”

“Did Vivienne hire you to replace Gatou?” he shifted while she tried to touch his hair again.

At that Shara stopped and closed her eyes for a moment. She was tired of controlling her breath and the emotions in her own body. Maxem could not read a thing from her face.

“You are,” Maxem took his hand back and pushed them against his eyes, “Vivienne never was so stupid to believe Gatou actually wants me back. She lied to me.”

“No, no, she didn’t,” she grabbed his hand again, “Vivienne wants you to get better. If that means with Gatou, than with him. Gatou wants you back.”

“Let go of me,” Maxem pulled his hand away, “Leave me alone.”

Shara let out a short laugh, “Really now, Maxem, you should know by now that that is not going to happen.”  
Shara laid down beside him and kept her hands to herself when Maxem started crying.

They laid there together until he stopped and Vivienne came home.

Maxem instantly scrambled up and ran away to the bathroom.

The less the shrink saw, the less there would be to talk about. They could discuss it well enough between themselves.

He washed his face thoroughly and wondered if he should go down at all. The bed in the other room was tempting. They would call him when dinner was ready. Force him to stuff food down his throat.

But the company was the reason he didn’t want to go down. What Shara did was unfair. Showing him something he would never reach on his own, something impossible.

Now his body felt empty again. Devoid and broken. Nothing left to love, nothing left to change.

A knock on the door before it opened. Shara held her distance.

“Come join us downstairs,” she held the door open.

Order or request? Even it wasn’t the former, it could easily change into one. It didn’t matter, nothing mattered without Gatou. His voice again crystal clear in his mind. Perfectly formed around his name. It was so unfair.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Vivienne commented that she was glad to see Maxem up and about again a day later. A comment which made Maxem want to revert his behaviour. It only induced more questions, more pushing into dangerous territory.

“I want you to invite Sasake over to dinner,” Vivienne told him, “Call her, text her, whatever you feel more comfortable with.

Maxem stared at her. Vivienne didn’t seem to care.

“No running away this time,” Vivienne mentioned, “Some social contact will do you good.”

Which meant she was lying earlier and he hadn’t really made any significant progress. Maxem couldn’t deny this, he wasn’t really trying very hard. Nor was it very high on his todo list.

Bringing Sasake back into the warzone would only result in casualties, not heroic antics.

It made him wonder how Vivienne had become so delusional. Nothing good would come out any of it. There certainly was no point.

“Getting back into your routine, getting accustomed to these things,” Vivienne looked at him patiently, “It will all help you be better prepared for difficult situations. Repetition is key. Okay?”

Again she waited patiently for a reply, any reaction. Maxem had run out of sarcastic or hurtful words, so he didn’t give her any. Perhaps she thought too that recycling whole therapeutic conversations seemed wasteful.

“Not even a snarky comeback?” she asked, closed her tablet and put it aside, “All right, let’s start over. Tell me, why do you want to kill yourself?”

Maxem bit his lip instead of punching the woman in the face. Vivienne just repeated the order. Maxem wanted to keep ignoring it, but couldn’t hold on to the anxiety burning in holes in his body.

“You already know the answer,” Maxem let out a saw a smile sneak in on Vivienne’s lips.

“Tell me again.”

“Because there is no worth in me and I don’t deserve to be alive because of all the things I have done,” while he tried to hold his stare, his eyes fell down on his hands in his lap.

Solid proof.

“This wasn’t the case a few months ago,” Vivienne didn’t write anything down, she looked at him very intently, “What changed?”

“Gatou broke up with me,” he frowned as his voice hitched on his name.

“And Gatou is the only reason before you wanted to keep on living?” Vivienne asked and didn’t look twice at the hurtful question.   
“I don’t have to explain myself to you!”

“You don’t,” Vivienne agreed, “But tell me what Gatou told you.”

“He said our sexlife wasn’t satisfactory. That I wasn’t good enough. He told me that he met a girl he would very well like to do it with, someone who wouldn’t give him problems!” Maxem pushed his hands into fists, “Aka, he broke up with me.”

Vivienne locked her hands and looked difficult, “You’re not giving me the facts. What did he say? Word for word.”

“I don’t remember exactly what he said, fucking hell, what do you want from me?”

“He told you he loved you and would never let you go. There was the problem of your mismatching libidos that he wanted to find an answer for,” Vivienne recited with absolute calm, “Together.”

“And he found a girl who was willing to help solve it,” Maxem spat, “Don’t leave out the most important part.”

“That’s the thing Maxem,” Vivienne picked up the tablet from the table, “You haven’t spoken to him in over a month. You don’t know if he’s with a girl or not. By the amount of phone calls, I don’t think he has the time.”

“Even so. It was pretty clear that whatever I was offering, wasn’t enough,” Maxem crossed his arms.

“That’s for him to explain, you can’t assume what is in other people’s head,” Vivienne said, “Coming back to my point. To get you back to the state where you didn’t want to kill yourself, what would need to happen?”

“Revert everything, go back in time,” or he should become permanently manic.

“Does that mean getting Gatou back into your life?” Vivienne asked, eyebrows raised.

“And then what? He’ll be sexdeprived and unhappy. He’ll lie and lie, start cheating on me and everything will go to hell!” Maxem seethed, “Things will never be all right. I’ll always be like this and he’ll never get what he needs. This is doomed to fail. He’s better off without me, as is everybody else. End of story!”

“Which is why you need to learn how to find meaning without Gatou. Learn to stand on your own two feet and get through the day,” Vivienne countered, “Before Gatou said what he said you had stability, routine and people to talk to, responsibility. You can get back there, with or without him.”

“Bullshit,” Maxem almost kicked the desk, “You’ve said it yourself, there has been no progress. I’ve been sitting on my ass doing nothing all fucking week.”

“You have changed, Maxem, for the better,” Vivienne said firmly, “You ran away and you had every chance to do whatever harm you wanted. To yourself or to others. Instead you took your time and you called me when you were ready. That is improvement.”

For that Maxem wanted to tell her lies. All kinds of horrible scenarios that might have happened while he was away. Instead he kept his mouth shut and Vivienne seemed satisfied with his silence.   
“So,” she started and wrote more things down, “At the end of the week. I want you to have contacted Sasake in some way and set a new date for dinner. Please also pick up on the daily schedule, along with some role play exercises with Shara, we’ll help you prep for what is to come. Okay?”

Again Maxem kept silent. Opening his mouth would only lengthen this session unnecessarily. It was already a complete waste of time. Getting out of there had highest priority no matter what he seemingly agreed to do.

Vivienne couldn’t make him do anything. What was she going to threaten him with? Throwing him out of the house? Without Gatou there was nobody to finance his resubmission.

Sadly it didn’t stop the guild nor anxiety that nagged him every day. 


	14. Chapter 14

Shara knew, of course. About how he felt and of his assignment. She made sure to remind him three times a day. Morning, day and evening. Giving suggestions of several ways of going about it.

At the last day he still hadn’t done anything and Shara had either given up or was playing a very twisted mind game. Now it was his turn to confront the issue and remind himself. Like he could possibly forget.

Every idea she had run past him, crossed his mind. As quickly as they appear, the ideas got discarded. None of them were good enough, none of them would work.

Though he had given up on dignity, his mind worked several angles for which he could get out of the whole thing. Vivienne throwing him out of the house actually became a realistic consequence. Not that that would be the most horrible thing, but there were other options.

They could send him back to the Petshop. Back to his mother. Sell him to the highest bidder. To be lynched by a mob sounded like justice.

To stop that, was just a phone call away. But he couldn’t look at the phone without retching.

At dinner not a word was spoken about his task nor his lack of appetite. At nightfall he crawled into bed expecting Vivienne to come knocking at the door at any minute, but she didn’t show.

Dawn broke and he laid wide-eyed in bed. There was no possibility that he would lift his head. Nevermind pick up a phone and call Sasake.

Vivienne left for work, but his anxiety didn’t ease. Everything was still as horrible as before. Shara brought him a bowl of cereal and fruit.

“I have something for you,” she told him, placed the bowl on the bedside table and crawled on the bed, “Give me your hand.”

“I’m not hungry,” Maxem stated but couldn’t differentiate between stomach cramps and his despair.

“It’s not food,” she told him and placed his medicine box next to the bowl, “Nor pills. Those are mandatory. I’m asking for your hand.”

He didn’t want to look at her, didn’t want to give his hand, didn’t want to admit to what she wanted to give. They both stayed quiet.

“I’m going to take your hand,” she announced and slowly moved her hand.   
Maxem pressed his eyes closed, but his teeth but still flinched when he felt the contact.

At first nothing happened. His body was still on the verge of bursting in flames due to fear and anticipation.

So he opened his eyes and looked at her. She looked back, eyes questioning.

“Can I?”

As if he thought the feeling raging inside his body couldn’t get any worse, another wave hit him. And he gave her a short curt nod. Instantly all fell silent and he breathed.

Shara gave his hand a gentle squeeze but didn’t let go.

She did however handover the bowl and box.

For a few moments longer he just laid there on the bed and let the air flow through his body. Then he sat up without a word and started eating. Feeling his hunger for what it really was.

Shara kept hold of his hand with her eyes closed, only to look up when he finished and swallowed the pills. She didn’t say anything.

Maxem held the stillness for as long as he could. Hoping that it would never end.

“Medication is kicking in,” Shara told him with a slight smile and took her hand back, “Are you ready to send that message now?”

The yes was already hanging on his lips. but wouldn’t travel. It was the pills, he knew, that made his crappy feelings a different kind of crap.

So he but his lip and shook his head.

“Let me get a glass of water and I’ll help you,” she jumped from the bed.

“This is useless. If I can’t even call her then how do you expect me to survive dinner?” Maxem yelled after her and pinched the bridge of his nose, “I can’t keep holding your hand for the whole evening.”

By the time she returned he had folded himself into a small mountain of blankets. Shara sat down on the bed again and drowned the glass.

“On step at a time, honey,” she told him, “It’s going to be a difficult night guaranteed, but…”

“It’s all conditioning,” Maxem finished muffled by the cloth, “I know. And I know that it can be undone within a heartbeat. I know it’s not always worth it.”

“It might not be perfect, but it will always be worth it,” she pushed the covers away that were hiding his face, “Come on, let’s write that message.”

It took them a whole day and plenty of handholding in between to conjure something up.

Shara was tired when Vivienne came home. Without her touch the guild crippled him. That he could use her in such a way was wrong. No matter what she said, it was apparent on her face, it was taking it’s toll.

Even Vivienne couldn’t conceal her worry. Any concern was rejected. She only needed water and dismissed it as being out of practice. But she had been drinking non stop all day. Then she needed rest, when she laid down to sleep she did not wake up in the morning. 


	15. Chapter 15

Maxem looked at her calm face resting on the pillow. Vivienne had already left for work ages ago. There were so many possibilities now, it made Maxem dizzy.   
But most of all, he wanted her to wake up and be all right. His hand hovered over her shoulder. Ready to shake her awake, but it just wavered. Shara didn’t wake.

The pitcher on the nightstand was empty. So another few minutes could be wasted by refilling and taking his own medication. She did not open her eyes.

Of course it would be a matter of patience. Sitting around made his minde rattle on about everything he should be doing instead. What Gatou could be doing right on this very moment.

Vivienne’s day plan distracted him, for a while. He waited by the bedroom door now. She had barely moved.

Halfway through the day and she was still immobile. Maxem made coffee. It was done when he realised he didn’t know if she drank coffee. He made tea and placed both cups on the bedside table.

Outside people minded their own business, but somewhere they knew it was his fault Shara was dying. Nobody cared, it would be just another number on the list.

Gatou would forgive him, but not if he killed his new girlfriend. That would be one bridge too far.

Maxem closed the curtains and turned on the tv. He switched through all the channels twice before he left the meaningless device and started pacing around.

Vivienne always told him to try to put his energy to good use. Small practical jobs were a great way to spend excess energy. Perfect for when he was acting like a complete lunatic. Cleaning really wasn’t his kind of thing but a necessity.

Shara usually did it. She was still lying on the bed, quiet as the dead. Maxem stared at the gentle rise and fall of her body and was scared out of his mind.

The two cups untouched, cold now, but had been standing there too long to be taken away. It was growing late. Maxem fumbled around with his phone and dialed Vivienne’s number.

It took four rings for her to pick up. But judging by her voice it sounded like she already put her coat on.

“Maxem, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Shara, she hasn’t woken up yet,” Maxem bit his lip hard but didn’t dare to turn around and find her all awake and well.

Vivienne was silent on the other side and the longer the moment stretched the stupider he felt.

“All right, let her sleep for now, I’ll be home in half an hour, okay?” Vivienne sounded relieved, “If she does wake up, make sure you give her water, but don’t let her touch you, you got that?”

Maxem nodded and heard a car start in the background.   
“Maxem? Are you with me?” Vivienne asked again, “It’s going to be fine, she’s just tired. I’ll be home soon.”

“Okay,” Maxem said while putting the phone down and ending the conversation, “Okay.”

Behind him, Shara was still sleeping. Of course she was just tired, he got tired of himself all the time. This tantrum of his was ridiculous. Now Vivienne was coming home early for nothing.

All Maxem ever did was cause trouble, be a nuisance. There was no use in him.

The feelings raging under his skin were deserved. Shara shouldn’t have taken them away yesterday. She was the one paying for it now. He was not worth any of that.

Vivienne found Maxem on the same spot sitting on the floor in the hallway.

“Has she woken up yet?”

The way Vivienne knelt down with him showed that she wasn’t the least bit concerned about Shara. Because there was no reason to be.

“I’m sorry,” Maxem mumbled and covered his face, “I didn’t know what to do.”

“You did,” Vivienne sighed with a smile, “You called me. Come on, let’s try to wake her.”

Maxem looked how she walked into the bedroom and gently shook her shoulder. It didn’t seem to do the trick.   
At that Vivienne grinned and revealed a small veil.

“Smelling salts. Old fashioned, but easy and effective.”

Vivienne held the bottle near Shara’s nose and she instantly jerked away.

Groggy she lifted her head and started to rub her eyes.

“What the freaking hell? I’m sleeping.”

In one motion she covered her face with blankets and pillows.

“Maxem was worried about you,” Vivienne took a cheeky look behind him, “It’s already late afternoon.”

“He’s been napping for weeks,” sounded muffled from under all the cloth, “He shouldn’t complain.”

Vivienne walked back towards Maxem and closed the door behind her.

“How about we prepare some dinner for sleeping beauty here?”

“Is it okay to leave her alone?” Maxem asked and followed Vivienne down.

“It’s perfectly fine,” Vivienne said, “But it’s interesting to see how much effort you put in to function daily. It has her floored just after a day.”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Maxem said hastily and put on his jacket to follow Vivienne to the car.

“Shara knows perfectly well what she was doing,” Vivienne held the door open for him, “And she did a marvelous job. You managed to send a message to Sasake, am I right? Did she reply yet?”

Maxem hadn’t want to check it yesterday. Sasake had sent an almost instant reply.

“I didn’t check. We send the message from her phone.”

“Very well, we’ll check when we get back. Together.”

They drove in silence for awhile, down the busy roads towards the grocery store. Maxem held his gaze to the outside, but could not see what he was looking at. Inside his mind everything raced. Replaying every possible apocalyptic scenario over and over again.

He needed Shara for when Sasake came for dinner. There was no other way around it.

But he couldn’t. It was so very very wrong. They told him once he had been addicted to drugs. Some horrible stuff that made him hallucinate. Wonderful images, different worlds. There were plenty of moments where he fantasized over what it was like. How easy it must have been to become addicted. How easy it would be to become addicted to Shara.

Gatou would hate him forever if he would let that happen.

They were walking through the vegetable aisle and Maxem picked at the fruits contemplatively. Becoming dependent on Shara might be exactly what Vivienne wanted to happen. He would completely screw up his chances with Gatou, who would be free of him. Even if Vivienne would gain nothing of it. Perhaps the satisfaction of locking him away forever was enough.   
Though it was painfully obvious that was where he belonged, what he deserved. So instead of relying on her, her had to get rid of this guilt and make sure not to use her after she has gotten back on her feet.

“Let’s try something else instead,” Maxem put back the cauliflower Vivienne was holding, “I have an idea of what we can make.”

Vivienne kept herself on the background as Maxem raided the store for everything that he might need. It annoyed him fervently that he was not up to date with what they had at home. Of course he couldn’t ask. The shrink would not get the satisfaction.

Vivienne even stayed quiet when a bottle of alcohol was slipped into the cart.

 


	16. Chapter 16

Shara shuffled downstairs in her pajamas when food was almost ready.

Maxem saw them share a look. It was because he was cooking food for a change.

“It smells really good,” Shara commented as she took a peek under the lid, “Better than Vivienne’s cooking for sure.”

“Would you like a glass of wine to go with that then?” Vivienne offered, “As it might be very well be the last home cooked meal for you for a long time.”

“Not if I can help it,” Shara sat down at the kitchen table.

Maxem kept his eyes strict on the food. At first he had wanted to apologize. Now that she was here, and as the intro passed, he missed his chance. He couldn’t do it anymore.

Besides the pity or contempt, she might actually be inclined to perform her magic if he broke down in front of her. Or, worse yet, never do it to him again.

She kept on laughing and generally being pleasant. The more and more Maxem became convinced she hated him through skin and bones. They were only pretending, giving him a false sense of security. Just like Gatou did all those years. Maybe he set this up, to spite him.

Bubbles boiled in the pot, sucked away by the ventilation, draining the whole room into a vacuum. A breath got stuck as Shara came up next to him, she didn’t touch him.

Of course she didn’t, not after what he had done.

“This looks absolutely amazing,” she said with a smile so bright it was hard to look away, I can’t wait.”

Maxem turned away from her looking for the wine bottle. He hadn’t dared to pour himself a glass. Nobody had offered. Every medicine guideline booklet he had bothered to read, warned him about the horrible possible effects. Pressing that alcohol was a depressant and could be dangerous. Even if not on medication. But if it didn’t come with those lovely side effects, why bother to drink at all.

This whole dinner idea, proved to be pretty disastrous. Apparently he forgot half of the ingredients he did need, but was too afraid to say anything. What he put on the table was horrendous. No use lying. It was all a ruse.

During dessert Vivienne asked about Sasake’s message. Maxem wanted to run upstairs to hide but felt nailed to the spot.

Shara smiled at him when she grabbed her phone and scrolled to the message so casually. She found it. She opened it. She read it.   
Maxem grabbed hold of the table to make sure that he wouldn’t jitter off his chair.

“She says,” she had the nerve to pause for a moment, “That she would love to come for dinner and is looking forward to seeing us all. Maxem especially.”

Maxem frowned.

“Very well done,” Vivienne commented and slapped the table, “So we can expect her next week? Will you be cooking for us again? Sasake will love that.”

“With those anxiety levels? Are you shitting me?” Shara started laughing, “He can barely keep his shit together, what do you expect? Miracles?”

Vivienne looked at her and kept quiet. The silence only made it worse. The pounding in his head only became louder.

“No need to be so worried, geez. Oh was that directed at me?” Shara waved Vivienne away and turned to Maxem and then her face fell.

She pressed a hand to her chest and let her hair fall over her face.

“Are you all right?” Vivienne asked, “Maybe you should lie down.”

As she touched her arm, Shara flinched away and stumbled off her chair.

“Holy shit! Holy shit, Maxem!” for a moment it looked like she wanted to meet his eyes, but turned away last moment, “Maxem did you… Was there any alcohol in this?”

The dessert on the table was gone, plates licked clean. The anxiety in him rose and Shara cried out.

“I’m sorry!” he moved away from them and the dinner table, “I’m so sorry! I didn’t know! I just wanted to… I’m sorry!”

“All right, all right, Maxem it’s okay,” Vivienne grabbed him and dragged him out of reach of any kitchen supplies, “Shara, what do you need? Water? A hand getting upstairs?”

“Maybe give him some tranqs?” she cursed with every stumble.

Vivienne closed the door to her office.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Maxem grabbed hold of his arms and pushed himself into a the corner, “I didn’t fucking know.”

“It’s all right Maxem, calm down.”

“No! This is not all right! I’m doing it again! She stayed in bed the whole fucking day because of me. How is that all right?” Maxem stumbled into the bookcase, “And now this! I should have never been fucking cooking in the first place! The food was shit. Fucking horrible. The alcohol was there to hide it. I just poured in a bit. I fucking poisoned her. Might as well stab her in the back next time. With a knife. It’s faster.”

Vivienne approached him silently while he slid down to the ground.

“I can’t do this with her,” Maxem continued and covered his face, “Let alone all this with Sasake. It’s too much.”

“Would you like to get a good night's sleep?” Vivienne held two capsules in her hand, “We can talk about this in the morning. Everything will be okay.”

Maxem looked at the small things. He knew them, he knew what they did.

Gatou didn’t like them because they made him sleepy, unresponsive, clumsy and numb.

“Shara might like the quiet you can share with her.”

“I don’t think she wants to be anywhere near me right now,” he took the pills, “Or ever again.”

“Take the pills, go to bed,” Vivienne stood up, “If she’s there, lie down next to her. If not, lie down anyway. Go to sleep.”

Maxem scrambled off the floor as he swallowed to wet his dry throat, “Is that an order?”

Vivienne looked at him for a moment, questioning, but turned around and gave him a glass of water in silence.

It didn’t get clearer than this. The glass of water shook in his hand and he fumbled with the pills. A bitterness that no amount of water could wash away.

“It’s okay, Maxem,” Vivienne told him, trying to catch his eyes, “You did amazing today. Very good. The food was delicious. Go up and have a long, good sleep. It will all be better in the morning.”

There was nothing left to say and no words he wanted Vivienne to say, so he left.

He brushed his teeth thoroughly. Until his vision blurred and the brush slipped from his fingers. He did not bother to pick it up.

Shara was lying in bed with her clothes on, curtains open. For a moment Maxem stood and stared. Then continued to undress and crawl under the covers next to her.

“I’m sorry,” he managed to say to her back.

“She drugged you up good,” Shara replied and turned around, “What a messed up silence you’re in now.”

“So I can sleep,” Maxem told her and felt a great mist drizzle over his mind.   
“And they say alcohol should help with that. What a load of bullcrap,” she pressed her hands on her face.

Maxem didn’t feel like talking anymore. She spoke enough for the both of them.

Vivienne had told him to go to sleep, so he should do just that. Nothing in his mind was working anymore. He closed his eyes.

“Maxem,” Shara started and brushed her hands over the sheets next to his face.

Perhaps there was something left he could do or say. Nothing came to mind.

“Maxem,” she tapped his hands and his face lightly, “Are you asleep?”

When he opened his eyes again, she giggled, though it quickly lulled down.

Softly she touched his fingers and gripped his hand. The hold was warm, but Maxem wasn’t very sure he could feel his hand.

Shara kept looking at him while she removed his arm gloves. They both fell asleep while holding hands.

 


	17. Chapter 17

Sasake’s dinner party came faster than prefered. Since that morning Maxem felt paralysed with fear. Scanning the house for ways out and dismissing every single one.

Shara offered and Vivienne insisted, but Maxem didn’t want anything. It was too dangerous and too addicting. But the way he was shaking down at the kitchen table was no way to welcome anyone.

With every glance at the door, he was expecting the bell to ring. And every moment it didn’t Vivienne spied on him with worrying looks. Shara brushed the hood from his head and stroked through his hair.

“It’s going to be over before you know it,” she smiled softly, “At the end of the evening she will go back home and all will be well.”

Maxem removed her hand, “One evening and months of looking back at the horrible things I said and did. How wonderful.”

“It’s just Sasake,” Shara tried and kept her gloved hands to herself, “You know her. You’ve known her for years.”

“It’s not just Sasake,” Maxem huffed and twisted his hands into fists.

Shara kept silent now and fiddled with her braid. Even Maxem could see that both Vivienne and him were feeding her with heavy anxiety.

She let it affect her for a moment too long. Then she stood up, patted Maxem on the shoulder and went on to turn on some music.

“You’ll be okay, no matter what happens,” Vivienne continued the pep talk, “Remember what we discussed. If you don’t want to talk about something or get triggered. Tell us, give us a sign. We can help you.”

Maxem nodded and remembered the horrible practise sessions. Completely useless now. All these words of encouragement were lost on him.

A loud ring made it’s way through the house and Maxem froze.

“She’s here,” Shara said and turned to Maxem, “Want to open the door?”

He wanted to crawl under the table.   
“Control your situation Maxem, open the door,” Vivienne said when she saw the hideous glare he cast in Shara’s direction.

Shara just smiled, “Come on, I’ll be right behind you.”

The doorbell rang again impatiently before he found the strength to stand up. His breath hitched and his sweaty hands trembled. While biting down hard on his lip, he fumbled with the door lock.

A warm hand touched his shoulder but didn’t calm the burning furnace inside him.

The rain had dampened her hair somewhat but her smile could’ve replaced the sun.

“Maxem, I’m so glad to see you!” Sasake moved in for a hug but caught herself, “Can I give you a hug?”

It stayed silent for a moment. Everyone waited for Maxem to respond. Instead he bit his lip, cast his eyes downward and stepped back.

“Welcome, please come in, long time no see, please take off your shoes.”

She entered without another word to him and turned to Shara.

“Thank you so much for having me again. How’ve you been Shara?”

“Tired, but all right. I hope you’re hungry. Vivienne spend a long time in the kitchen.”

“Ah I was hoping Maxem would cook,” she smiled at him and he sternly looked away.

“Alas,” Shara guided them into the kitchen, “We’ll just have to drink a lot of water to wash everything down.”

“Are you complaining about my cooking again?” Vivienne smiled and welcomed Sasake with a brief hug, “You are more than welcome to make something yourself for a change.”

“And if I ever do, it’ll be the best meal you’ve ever tasted,” Shara sat herself down at the table.

Maxem wavered. This domesticy, this pretense bullshit. He wanted to run away and hide. Like last time, but farther and more permanent.

How pathetic. How little she must think of him. Gracing them with her presence after last times failure. It was a subtle way of mocking this, him. It was good that he decided not to cook. This whole evening didn’t need more reasons to remember it by.

“Come sit down, Maxem,” they were all looking at him.

He was about to make up an excuse, to leave, to burst into flames. But he obeyed the order. Sasake moved closer to him with pity in her eyes. For a moment she opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but thought better of it.

“How is college?” Vivienne started at an attempt to break the ice.

Maxem didn’t know why she bothered. Trying to save this evening was futile.

“Horrible,” she smiled, “Stupid teachers having no idea what will be on the tests. So we just have to learn everything. I bet they’re laughing their ass off during lunch break. Let’s make sure the students have no private life whatsoever.”

Maxem shook his head and wished he didn’t as now they looked at him expecting a response.

“Most teachers will know that swarming their pupils with work is a surefire way to make them lose focus and results. It’s probably a result of bad upper management,” he told his dinner plate, “I’ll bet they are the ones rubbing their hands while laughing softly.”

People laughed, Maxem stared at his plate. Vivienne brought in the food and served.

It smelled like nothing, looked vaguely like stew and tasted pretty good according to everyone else at the table.

There was no way that eating was happening right now.

“What did you study?” Sasake asked.   
Maxem looked up and cast his eyes down.

“You don’t want to talk about it?” she asked shyly.

“No, it’s fine,” Maxem wanted to give her a reassuring smile but couldn’t, “It was euh… I went to film school.”

“Oh really?” Sasake sounded genuinely excited, “That’s so cool. Did you act?”

Her curious gaze stuck upon him, made his hands tremble. There was no escaping this.

“No, it w-was mo-more like,” he dragged his hands through his hair, hiding his face, “M-more like euh…”

The silence fed his stomach like turpentine on a fire.Words would not form in head, everything was misty and unclear.

A hand grabbed hold of his hand and laid it down on the table, “Just say the word.”

Bile rose up in his throat. Sasake would see this. Everyone would know. Gatou would know.

Tears banged on the inside of his eyelids, there was no escaping this. No hiding, no safety.

“Do it,” he whispered and calm washed over him like a gentle sea breeze.

He kept his face hidden from Sasake and breathed.

“Don’t worry Sasake,” Shara said and grinned, “You should see the rows we get into sometimes.”

“So,” Sasake sounded unsure, “What are you doing now?”

“Just calming him down,” Shara didn’t let go of his hand.

“It’s comparable to what the medicine does for him,” Vivienne explained, “But more controlled, more subjective with less side effects.”

“You can change what he feels? Just like that?”

Shara nodded and nudged him, “So what as film school like?”

“Oh? It sounded like your magical powers were way more interesting,” he still avoided Sasake.

“They are and also a nice way from refraining to talk about yourself,” Shara snapped back with a wicked grin.

It was true but he suppressed the urge to smile at her joke.

“Yeah, film school was fine. Making short films with shitty camera’s and horrible self written scripts,” he shook his head, “I dropped out.”

“Why?” Sasake asked timid when he didn’t continue.

“Because my parents wanted me to pursue a more profitable and stable career path,” he poked his food some more.

Everybody at the table kept a smile on their face but didn’t dare to continue down that path.

“What about you Shara?” Sasake tried and kept her face pleasant and non judgemental.

“I didn’t go to college,” Shara let go of his hand finally, “Went straight to work and had a hard time keeping a job. Still do.”

“You don’t seem to have any problems babysitting me,” Maxem tried desperately to hold on to the lingering peacefulness but it was slipping fast.

“Finally found my calling,” her smile was bright and joyful.

But the only thing he was focused on was her ungloved hand lying casually on the dinner table. A tingle still engulfed his, teasing him with possibilities. It felt tragically unfair.

He missed what Sasake said. Vivienne and Shara filled the void with answers and responses. Nothing interesting to add, his input was not worthy. Gatou would know how he sat at this table numb and bitter.

No progress, no downfall. An empty hole. Every little detail would be relayed. How he didn’t touch his food, could not hold eye contact, hardly spoke. The only thing he had said were bitching remarks. Gatou would know everything and be glad, be relieved that Maxem would never be a bother again.

The last place he wanted to be was at this table. So much input, so many rules and regulations. There was no room to breath, no escape.

“Maxem!” Vivienne waved her hand close to his face to grab his attention, “Why don’t you clear the table and grab some dessert plates.”

He frowned at the order.

“I brought strawberry cake,” Sasake mentioned and smiled.

He was glad that she didn’t mention it used to be his favorite. Now he felt like puking. His back turned didn’t give him much privacy, but he took what was offered. His whole plateful went into tupperware boxes, stored in the fridge. There would be a scolding later.   
Gatou had become very proficient in scolding him. They weren’t guilt trips or lengthy explanations about health. Simple demands covering when, where, what and how much as needed. Clear and precise.

He placed all the dishes in the washer and laid out the plates.

“I would love a cup of tea as well,” Sasake mentioned and presented the small cake on the table.   
He made her a cup of tea just to stay away longer. But if he sat down there was the hand that made everything to go away. He couldn’t touch it.

The clock said 9 while it felt more like 3 in the morning. Sasake was busy cutting the cake.

Cake with actual fresh strawberries on top, dusted with light powdered sugar.

Shara’s hand had a fork in it now. Still ungloved and in range. It wouldn’t even be too obvious if he took it, though it would have been easier if she held if it under the table.

Sasake presented him with a slice, he took it.

“This is a very fancy cake,” Vivienne complemented, “Where did you get it?”

Sasake blushed slightly, “A local shop, very specialized. I wanted to make one on my own but it would never be as good as anything Maxem makes.”

“We had the pleasure once,” Shara’s hand moved up and down from her mouth, “Sadly the alcohol gave me an allergic reaction.”

If there had been any chance of taking her hand before, it was gone now. While Sasake continued telling about his culinary adventures, he just stared at the piece of pastry. There was a fork in his hand. Piercing the strawberries, the cream, the cake was easy. He had done it so many times before. Food, skin, like butter.

But this. The sweet pungent smell made his hand shake.

Shara’s hand was waving the fork around in communicative gestures. He could not grab hold of it, he could not eat the cake. They would notice, they would know.

There was only one solutions left. Getting out of there. They would know. He excused himself to the bathroom. There was no place to hide, no window to crawl through so he sank down on the floor and covered his face.

It would only be a matter of time before they would come after him. Find him there cowering like a pathetic fuck.

What if it was Sasake? What if he just doomed himself to alone time with her. Would she talk about Gatou? Tell him how happy he is with his new relationship, what a wonderful girl he met.

He bit down hard on his lip and withheld a sob. Biting any harder would draw blood.

Shara knocked on the door before she came in.

“You are doing great, Maxem!” she knelt down beside him, “Come down to say goodbye. We’ll go to bed early.”

Maxem dragged his hands through his hair, “It’s just… so hard. I mean, the strawberries alone…”

He shook his head in silence.   
“It’s hard but you’re doing so well despite it,” she reached out with her ungloved magic hand, “Only this one thing left and the evening will be over. Come on.”

Her hand touched him softly even after he flinched away. A calmness glowed under his skin. A certainty that nothing mattered. It was only Sasake.

Shara brought him down by the hand and didn’t let go. Sasake already put her coat back on.

“Thank you for the cake,” Maxem said but kept his distance, “And the company of course.”

Sasake nodded with a sad, pitiful smile and stayed back.

“I had a great time, thank you for the food,” She looked from Maxem to Shara and back, “I’d love to come again.”

Shara smiled brightly, “Why don’t you call us next week, we can plan something new. Maybe go see a movie.”

Maxem felt the tug on his hand and how she leaned into him. At the door Sasake paused and looked over her shoulder to Maxem. He must’ve looked calm, he felt calm. Though he wished her to leave as soon as possible.

“Gatou,” she started and casted her gaze on the ground, “He misses you so much. Talk to him, or at least hear him out.”

Apparently she was expecting him to react because she waited at the door for quite some time.

“He can rot in hell,” Maxem said but there was no hate or anger behind the words.

Immediately he felt bad and caught Shara’s disapproving look.   
It dawned on him that she must have been making him feel bad about it. So he bit his lip to keep the apology inside. No matter how hurt Sasake looked, he would not give in.

One last goodbye was exchanged and the door closed behind her.

Immediately Shara’s grip slipped so he held on tighter. They stood there at the front door for a while and she held on, continued to make him calm.

“That went well,” Vivienne walked up to them, “You can be proud of yourself Maxem, well done.”

The moment he pulled his hand away from Shara the emotions rushed in. His throat tightened, stomach burned, knees wobbled. He was afraid he would burst into tears in front of them. But he managed to escape before it happened.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Vivienne came up with more brilliant ideas when she sat Maxem down in her office. The idea of group therapy repelled Maxem. To sit with other crazies locked into one room was only a recipe for disaster.

The psych didn’t seem to think so. The next step, she called it. As if there had actually been any improvement. Guess she was at wits end, desperately trying any idea to keep Maxem from murdering anyone. Putting him in a group of lunatics sounded very counter productive.

“So every week for an hour Shara will take you to the meeting,” Vivienne almost seemed pleased with herself.

“Will she come inside with me?” Maxem asked before he realised how pathetic it sounded.

“No,” Vivienne smiled, “All those meetings are completely confidential and private. It’s better not to have people you’re familiar with, change the dynamic.”

Maxem tried very hard to keep his mouth shut, whether there was another mistake waiting to happen.

“She will, however, wait for you and be there if something goes wrong.”

There it was. Just in case he decided to go berserk, at least the Libixian would be around the corner.

“What the fuck is the use?” Maxem crossed his arms, “I don’t want to talk to you or Shara. How do you expect me to share with crazy strangers?”

“This isn’t only about talking,” Vivienne said, “Listening what others have to share is very valuable. It can give you perspective or something to relate to.”

“Perspective? Oh, it’s not all that bad for me because that guy has lived in a cellar his whole life as part of a religious cult? I don’t need to feel like shit because I don’t remember any of it anyway,” Maxem seethed, “This is a complete load of crap. Listening to other people’s bullshit will not make me any less suicidal.”

“I’m not expecting it to,” Vivienne shut him down sharply, “But this is about opening your world view and relatability. Getting social like we discussed before. Talking… Listening to people that you have something in common with, that are struggling with the same things, or different things, is good way to get accustomed, to get a feel for communication. Right now Shara and I are the only input you have besides your own. And as you’re immensely stuck in your own thoughts, some fresh viewpoints might trigger some different thinking pathways. I want you to try it.”

Maxem held her gaze for as long as he could and considered his options.

Staying home and not going to this waste of time seemed to be preferable in any situation. But getting a chance to escape this hell-hole life wouldn’t come in much sooner if he stayed here.

“Fine,” Macem did not look at Vivienne, “Only if Sasake doesn’t come over tomorrow.”

“All right,” Vivienne grinned as Maxem looked up in surprise, “But you’ll have to call her yourself and tell her why the date is cancelled.”

The trick was so apparent that he couldn’t believe he fell for that. Of course there was no way in hell Maxem was going to call Sasake on the phone to personally tell her not to come. She would want to know why. She would tell Gatou why.

“So no deal,” Maxem bit his lip hard.

He’d rather have to endure her talk about Gatou than strangers that didn’t even know him.

“Okay, so you’ll go to this group starting next week, every Wednesday,” Vivienne noted it down while trying to repress her smile.

“You can’t make me go,” Maxem protested, “How is this in any way effective if I don’t fucking want this. I’ll disrupt the class. I will stop at nothing.”

“Tell me why you’re so opposed to this,” Vivienne sighed, “It’s an addition to your routine. Just like at the institute. It’s not the end of the world, just like meeting with Sasake was not the end of the world.”

“You don’t have to live with it,” Maxem spat.

“Won’t you try one meeting,” Vivienne crossed something out, “It’s something distracting, something other to focus on than everything going on in your mind. If you’d like, we can talk about having Shara going in with you. See how it is afterwards.”

If they were going to make him do this anyway, what was the point of asking him. If all she wanted to order his around like a dog, why did they left him with any mind of his own. Maxem was so incredible tired to feel like the way he did. Shara’s magical powers were a gateway to a world he would never live in, but an excuse to hold it, might be enough.

He didn’t confirm, “Can I go now?”

Vivienne waved him away and told him to go when he didn’t move. Maxem ran into the kitchen and was relieved to not find Shara there. Usually when Vivienne was home, Shara took some moments to herself. She came home with multiple shopping bags.

“I bought you some new stuff,” Shara said enthusiastically and dumped a couple of bags on top of him and the couch.

“Fucking shit, Shara,” Maxem paused the game he was playing just before crashing into another car.

“Look here,” Shara didn’t care much about that at all, “It’ll be something nice and fresh to wear tomorrow.”

“Don’t fucking remind me,” Maxem pushed the bags from his lap and didn’t want to look at anything.

“It’s a movie, honey,” Shara said and let her arms fall down to her side, “If you ask me, dinner is way more taxing. You have to talk and listen and remember what people said. During a movie, you can relax, focus on the film, not the people. Talking is usually frowned upon.”

“There’ll be talking before and afterwards and a whole lot of uncomfortable, tense bullshit in between.”

“Nonsense,” Shara picked up a bag and whipped out some clothes, “I’ll be there, you can lean on me, If it’s too much, or the movie is wrong, yell and I’ll make it all better.”

Vivienne made sure he didn’t have to answer that, when she entered the living room ready to leave.

“I’ll be out doing some grocery shopping, I’ll pick up some snacks for tomorrow too, alright?”

“Yes, don’t worry, I have my eye on him,” Shara replied and unfolded a shirt, “He’s going to have to try on some things anyhow.”

“I’m not your fucking mannequin,” Maxem pushed her out of the way and restarted his game.

But he kept his eyes on Vivienne, she would leave in a matter of seconds and when she did he needed to be on alert. Any moment that Shara had her back turned he had to take it. Tomorrow was too close.

“You didn’t buy anything for yourself?” Maxem asked when Vivienne slammed the door, trying to sound not suspicious.

“Loads,” Shara didn’t seem to notice and kept unpacking, “But you have to fit the stuff, or I have to bring it back.”

“I’ll amuse you later,” Maxem said and kept his eyes on the race.

“Come on,” she held up a patterned shirt, “Look how gorgeous, button it all the way up and you’ll be so handsome.”

“Shara, fuck off,” Maxem said dully.

Insulted Shara dropped the shirt back in the bag, “Fine, fine. Can’t expect you to be enthusiastic about clothes.”

With a big sweep, she grabbed hold of all the bags and made her way upstairs. Instantly Maxem jumped off the couch and made his way into the kitchen. From the top shelf he grabbed his pillbox and emptied it out.

He only needed the ones that made him drowsy and numb. There was no way he could overdose on these things, but they did some damage by themselves. Enough to make sure that letting Sasake see him, would totally defeat the point.

He was back on the couch, trying to focus on another race when Shara came back down. The medication kicked in later than he had expected. The rounds he made became worse and worse. Up to the point where Shara actually pointed out how awful they were.

He let the controller slip from his hands and watched the game over screen for a while. In the back of his mind he knew that this was part of a plan, that this was for a greater good. But it became harder to hold on to a single thought in his mind.

Nothing mattered. There was no energy to do anything besides breathe. The reason for all this and his motivations slipped away like water in his hands. Nothing was left, just an empty shell.

“Did you fall asleep?” Shara asked frowning, but turned the page of her book.

He kinda wished he had but there was no sleep in his system. Somewhere in his mind it tugged at him that he perhaps should say something or show her that he was absolutely okay. But he wasn’t and nothing came.

Instead he felt his body go up and down following the movement of each involuntary breath. When he opened his eyes he saw Shara turning off the game and the tv. She left for the kitchen and the noises of her rummaging around fell into a void in the background.

Then the pins and needles came. Like he had been sleeping on his arm all night it pinched and pricked from the shoulder all the way down to the fingertips.

To say it was distracting, was the understatement of the year. Perhaps he should have thought about this better, taking all these pills was not pleasant. He knew that, he knew what they did. Now that he had done it, he wasn’t sure if it had been worth it. Then again, he wasn’t sure of anything.

The pins continued down his arms and he could do nothing to stop it. That was all there was too it now, just this feeling for eternity. His body would never move and he would never get rid of this feeling.

“Hey, why don’t we go out running? The rain has stopped,” Shara suggested and her voice rang out clear and echoed off the walls.

She sat down on the couch next to him, “Get some of those endorphins going. Keep you moving.”

Maxem forced his eyes open and didn’t do anything else. Shara squinted when it became apparent he wasn’t going to answer.

“What’s going on? she asked in vain, “Are you feeling sick?”

With a hint of hesitation she touched his shoulder and janked her hand back, like burned.

“What did you take?” she sounded angry, “Where did you get it?”

It was a bit weird to Maxem that she was asking these questions, why she didn’t know. Wasn’t it obvious?

He tried to move his hand, but it ended up twitching like mad. The spasms contorted his hand and tangled it in his shirt.

“For crying out loud,” Shara brushed her hand through his hair and grabbed his hand with the other to hold it still, “What did you do?”

Maxem closed his eyes as he felt his presence again. Conscience of the couch, the room, the house he was in. Then guilt washed over him and he squeezed her hand to mush. It was the only feeling running through his body and it didn’t matter how much he wanted to tell her to mind her own business.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry,” he pushed her hand to his face.

He kept apologizing though his mouth was dry and his muscles spasmed from the sudden movement.

“I can’t do it. Fuck. I can’t do it again,” he felt tears welling up in his eyes, “I’m sorry, I fucking failed, I’m a fucking failure.”

Shara sighed deep and wiped the tears away stopping all the feelings she was putting into him. Leaving him to fall away in a deep darkness. His twitching hands were lying on top of his face though he could only feel them as two apart entities.

“Okay, we’ll deal with this. We can’t keep this from Vivienne though. No matter how much I interfere, she will be able to tell,” Shara put on her gloves, “How long ago did you take those pills? It’s four now.”

What was that suppose to mean? Maxems breath hitched. How was that relevant? The time when he took the pills? Related to 4?

“Well, you’re not allowed to puke it out anyhow,” Shara pushed and pulled him to his side.

For that short moment he had forgotten how heavy everything felt. The way his arms, face and feet moved through the space and dropped down. His muscles clenched together and he wanted to lay very, very still.

But Shara kept asking questions. Her face was now in his periphery, something to connect her voice to. And looking at her mouth move while the sound was coming out made him feel sick.

The sickness moved through his body. He swallowed and swallowed but couldn’t keep it in.

Shara instantly backed off, ran to the kitchen and started cleaning the mess.

“Well that’s done,” she wiped Maxems mouth with some tissues.

There was no fooling anyone when she looked at him sharply. With all the mess managed she sat down next to him again.

“So what was this all good for?” she asked him, never breaking eye contact, “Is this all because of Sasake coming over tomorrow?”

Maxem opened his mouth but closed it again when more bile worked its way up. There was no way that words were going to come out of it instead.

Patiently Shara kept holding the eye contact.

“I’m going to assume this is because of Sasake coming over tomorrow,” she gave him more space to reply, “This isn’t a one day annoyance Maxem. This garbage is going to throw you off for weeks.”

There was no way for him to reply so he just didn’t, his muscles twitched when he clenched his jaw.

“Tell me what this junk is?” she referred to the bucket next to her, “What did you take, do I have to call the ambulance? Call Vivienne back? What did you take?”

With a large amount of effort Maxem moved his hand above his head, pointing towards the kitchen, “My pillbox.”

She stared at him in disbelief.

“You dosed yourself on your own medication,” she stated, “For crying out loud! I thought you were beyond that. You could’ve gone to me for help, talked to Vivienne. Either one of us would’ve be more than happy to help you.”

Shara almost walked away but turned back to him. Maxem was just confused. Did she really expect him to crawl up to her every time he felt useless and weak? That he’d bother her with all his petty problems and drain the life out of her? Get addicted on her?

Like he hadn’t done that enough already. Wasn’t he suppose to become more independent, less of a parasite living of a host.

Shara grabbed hold of his hand and pushed a phone inside it, “Then go on call her, call tomorrow off.”

The phone showed her number, passively waiting for input that would never come. Slowly he let the phone slide out of his hand and dropped it.

Shara’s eyes were angry now, her face contorted but her voice didn’t match what he was seeing.

“Oh? I’m sorry, it must’ve slipped. Let me help you,” she placed the phone back in his hand, “Try again.”

Maxem pressed his eyes closed in pain. Shaking his head in disagreement would only result in more mess to clean up. He wanted to tell her that she didn’t understand, she couldn’t understand what he was going through. What Gatou made him go through.

These things so easy for the common man, were tremendous, strenuous tasks. Mountains to climb, deserts to cross.

“Well then,” she crossed her arms, “What are you waiting for? Did you realise that this the most stupid way to handle the situation and it doesn’t fix your problem at all?”  
The stubborn look on her face was unmistakable. He had seen it so many times before. How they tried so hard to convince them of their right. While they were just lies to be denied later.

“Do you want to try again or is this it?” she asked him before she took the phone away, “Consequences, Maxem. Your actions have them. It’s not always about what is done to you, but about what you do to others too.”

Maxem wanted to cry, but his body was empty. The bile had settled into nothingness and the tears had disappeared with it.

“I feel bad,” he said and felt a sharp pain on his tongue as it got crushed between teeth.

“Of course you feel bad,” Shara sighed and slumped down against the couch, “You swallowed a week supply of pills. That’s not going to make you feel better, now is it.”

With her hands gloved she rubbed his hair gently. It didn’t change anything inside of him, he was still the same. No guilt or words bubbled up like she did before. But the touch was something familiar he could hang on to.

“Okay, it’s okay,” she told him, or herself, “We’re not going to be able to keep this from Vivienne, but I’ll put in a good word for you, alright. Nothing to you worry your panties about, okay?”

Maxem listened to the sounds from the house for a moment and their two breaths combining into one continues in and out flow.

“Sasake will still come tomorrow and you’ll still feel like crap,” Shara was not really facing him anymore, “But we’ll walk, or lie in your case, through it. One breath at the time.”


	19. Chapter 19

Sasake came prepared. She had already picked a movie and had brought some corn for popping. Though she smiled when she saw Maxem on the couch, she turned to Shara and followed her into the kitchen.

There was no question she knew exactly how late it was. Sasake had seen more of him than he could remember. Even this past year, Sasake had been there by Gatou’s side, ready for his every command.

If he listened closely he could hear them whisper. Yes, he had done it again. Yes, he wanted to hurt himself. Yes, he failed. But the sound of the television was too loud and he couldn’t focus.

Sasake eventually joined him on the couch and smiled.

“Did you like my suggestion?” she asked and pointed at the movie, “It came highly recommended last year. I hope you haven’t seen it yet.”

He was suppose to answer, he knew, but his tongue was as a cloth blocking his mouth. The neverending spasms in his arms and hands were too much to focus on, for him to give a decent answer. At least those were the kind of excuses he came up with, the were all weak.

“I haven’t seen it,” Maxem said and licked his lips.

“Oh good,” Sasake looked pleased and moved over to the tv to upload the movie, “Shall I turn this off or were you watching this?”

The tv was showing a dramatic ending of a guy saving some dogs from a couple of abusive owners. He wanted to say yes, for the heck of it. But there was no point, besides extending his inevitable doom.

He shook his head curtly. And Sasake prepared the movie, pausing it while she sat back down.

“I brought some popcorn,” she said to make some idle conversation.

It wasn’t working. A headache was throbbing in his mind and he couldn’t ask for more medicine to make everything to go away. Vivienne had been furious when she found out what he did. She hadn’t wanted to show it, but even Shara had cowered slightly at the sight.

Vivienne had also canceled her plans for tonight. While she had intended to leave him alone with Sasake and Shara, she felt compelled to keep an extra eye on him. Like he could do anything at all right now.

“You must’ve watched a lot of movies, when you were young?” Sasake asked and tugged her feet under her, “What’s your favorite?”

Maxem shrugged and tried to focus on breathing, in and out through the nose. He can’t let her realise that even that was hard right now.

Shara hopped on the couch beside him and slung an arm around his shoulder. He shivered and tensed but couldn’t push her away.

“Here I brought the popcorn,” Shara landed the giant bowl in his lap, “That was a brilliant idea, Sasake. We have some chips as well and I’m sure Vivienne won’t mind making some pizza later on.”  
“You’ll be doing your own cooking,” Vivienne said from the kitchen where she sat with her laptop.

The table was covered with paperwork, folders and documents. Work she usually did in the comfort of her own office a door away.

“Phsst,” Shara grabbed a handful of popcorn, “I’ll get her to do it.”

Sasake looked at her in amazement, “Really? You use your powers to manipulate people like that? That’s evil!”

Maxem shook as Shara laughed heartily, he wanted all of this to be over soon as possible. Or at least take some distance. He shut his eyes and let his head fall backwards on the backrest.

“Of course, I don’t,” Shara grinned while she started piling pieces of corn on top of Maxems chest, “My magic powers are reserved for one person only. I wouldn’t dream of touching anyone else.”

Sasake blushed slightly and giggled. She kept her hands to herself, like a proper person. And didn’t sit so close, but at a decent length. Shara was just taking advantage of the situation really.

“But yeah, I could basically do anything I want with people,” Shara popped more corn in her mouth, “And you guys make is so easy.”

“What no,” Sasake couldn’t stop blushing, “We’re very open about our feelings, we use words talk about things..”

“Like about your embarrassment right now?” Shara pointed out and raised her eyebrows wickedly.

“Like that, yes, no harm or wrong in any of it,” Sasake held her head high, “You may all have these magics to wave around, but we’ve done very well without it. Generally speaking.”

Maxem felt that he should comment in turn, but it didn’t. He did feel that the conversation should stop as soon as possible.   
“Shall we watch?” he asked and kept his head on the back of the couch.

“Yes, of course,” Sasake jumped up to dim the lights and unpause the movie, “Shall I bring the drinks here? So we don’t have to get up.”

Shara nodded eagerly and turned to Maxem the moment Sasake had her back turned.

“See, it’s going to be fine,” she said to him and held his shaking hands, “It would’ve been fine in anyway.”

Even if Shara had touched his hand and changed the way he felt, it didn’t make it true. Nothing was fine right now. He was trapped in this twitching, uncaring body. His tongue didn’t want to cooperate and everything took twice as long to process. It had been only a day and he was absolutely sick of it.

Then again, for both Shara and Sasake the weak bag of potatoes that he was, worked in their favor.

When the credits rolled Shara’s face was sharp but pleasant. Sasake was near tears. Maxem had no idea why.

“Oh my god,” Sasake complained and rubbed her eyes, “You guys, come on, am I the only one crying here?”

“Afraid so,” Shara smiled and played with the leftover pieces of corn in the bowl, “Not so much about being proud of feelings now, huh?”

Crying wasn’t an option even if Maxem had been able to keep up with the movie. If he hadn’t had his eyes closed, they were unfocused. His hands had been twitching so much that he couldn’t hold a drink, barely not spilling all over himself or others.

“This movie was wasted on you,” Sasake complained with a smile, “Were you able to follow, Maxem? It looked like you were sleeping through most of it.”

“No,” he answered and tried to sit up straight one more time, “This is tiresome.”

“Such a grump,” Shara threw a piece of corn to his face.

It bounced off and fell somewhere between the folds of the couch. Sasake tried to look for it, but gave up.

“We can try again soon,” Sasake said, “I have a huge backlog of movies that I would like to watch.”

“Do you have time for that, with all your school work?” Shara asked.

Maxem let his head drop again and let the conversation continue over him. He didn’t want to be a part of it, or anything. Everything was hard. Too late, he noticed that Shara had left the couch and had disappeared off to somewhere. Leaving him alone with Sasake again.

“Maxem,” Sasake started and pulled his sweater gently.

She waited until he opened his eyes again. Perhaps she would talk about Gatou again, not that he could give a fuck. A perfect opportunity if there ever was one.

“Like, I know that this is very hard. With Gatou and everything else. But I want to be your friend,” she sounded worried and he opened his eyes to look if her face had more information, “So I’m going to put in as much effort as necessary, unless you tell me you don’t want to.”

Her face had a different expression than he couldn’t really place and without her voice it was really hard to tell if she had asked a question or not.

“Do you want me to stop being your friend?” Sasake asked and frowned.

She stayed so perfectly still that her face seemed to be floating out in all the chaos around her. A perfect still in this moment in time. The temptation to say yes was big. That would’ve been the last time he would see her. Ever again.

Gatou wouldn’t be that happy about it, but he didn’t really care about that. Nor did he care about hurting Sasake’s feelings.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t ask you these questions when you’re dosed and depressed like shit, forget I said anything,” Sasake continued after he said nothing and sighed.

When he shrugged multiple pieces of corn fell from his shoulder and shirt into his lap.

“What the fuck?”

His whole lap was filled with kernels and corn pieces. Looking up at Sasake explained that they had been covering him with popcorn throughout the whole movie. She had problems containing her laughter.

“Did you do this?” he asked and watched Shara stop in her tracks when she came in.

Sasake burst out laughing and Shara joined in. Maxem tried to brush everything off but managed to push the bowl from his lap onto the floor. It just made them laugh more.

Eventually Maxem just stop trying to clean it up and left them laughing. It didn’t matter, it was all going to be over soon.

 


	20. Chapter 20

Vivienne and Shara waited patiently when Maxem didn’t get out of the car right away. They had time, the meeting would not start for another 10 minutes. Instead he looked to Shara outside.

She was wearing a breezy shirt and a gold coloured top. Hand in lacey gloves on hips. Her hair was dyed to match. He helped her do it, she dyed his hair black.

“We agreed,” Vivienne reminded him again and bend forward on the steering wheel.

Maxem scowled but didn’t dignify it with a reply.

“Don’t hesitate to call Shara for help, she will be right outside.”

Vivienne’s pitiful look made him want to get out as fast as possible. Besides the fact he didn’t want to give her the pleasure, he was genuinely interested in what they would do if he didn’t move. But it wasn’t worth it. This would be a chance to get away, some time away, out of the house, without those people.

It had absolutely nothing to do with his mother's voice yelling in the back of his head about incompetence.

Shara smiled when he got out of the car and he observed the environment carefully. A gate to walk through and a building to get into. Camera’s aimed at every possible corner, spikes on the fence. A therapy group for criminals. To make him feel right at home.

It wasn’t the institution, pretending to be a leisurely place for calm and reflection. Though they had made a serious effort with expressionist paintings on the walls made by the criminally insane creative therapy group. Somewhere sounded an orchestra playing, or warming up, by the sound of it.

Shara kept smiling as she led him through the halls and towards a classroom. He did not go inside. A soft murmur of voices made his hands clench.

He was alone now, this was his only chance. The halls were empty, floors shining filled with void. With his heart hammering his feet to the ground, he failed to move.   
Footsteps from behind made everything crash in. The person patted him on the shoulder, too unexpected for him to react. He spun around, ready to fight.

“Ah, the newcomer,” the girl said and winked at him, “Welcome.”

“Rainha, please go inside,” a woman came outside with Shara who held the stiffest smile.

“Max, welcome,” the woman held out her hand.

Maxem looked at it, at her, at Shara. She let her hand drop without any emotion or further expectation.

“My name is Caitlin Solu. Your handler told me you’re familiar with group therapy?”   
Maxem frowned at the term and at the question. Whether he should answer, whether he should tell the truth, whether he was able to keep his cool.

Shara’s hand were gloved and crossed into her arms. He would not get anything from her.

“Would you like to jump in or do you prefer to start off with a private session?”

Caitlin waited patiently, behind her the other counselor started the meeting. Maxem couldn’t hold her gaze as the murmur in the other room subsided. The weight of silence pressed down upon him.

“I would like to get the fuck out of here,” he heard Shara shuffle to stand behind him.

“Why don’t we start off in private,” she did not touch him, “Come on, follow me.”

Caitlin signalled to the other counselor and set off.

“This is ridiculous,” he mumbled to Shara under his breath.

“Just give it a shot,” Shara pushed him, “Let’s not keep her waiting.”

He followed Caitlin into an empty crafts room and she sat him down on one of the stools. Shara had not followed them in, they were alone now. He could do anything he wanted with her.

“Max,” she started cooly, “Everybody here has got a history. Like you do. This group is about sharing this history, the present struggle and hopes for the future.”

She paused but hadn’t asked a question or made an order.

“It’s about talking and listening,” she said, “Is there anything regarding that you have problems with?”

That was a very generic question about a very specific introduction. His bottom lip got the worst of it.

“I don’t want to do any talking about anything,” he told his shoes on the floor.

“Alright? How do you feel about listening? Do you think you can do that?” Caitlin asked him.

Maxem shrugged not wanting to blow this whole thing up for no good reason. Sitting in a classroom for an hour listening to other people’s shit was doable. If it meant the chance of escape.

“Many in there just need an ear listening to their stories,” Caitlin explained, “So you’ll fit right in. If you feel the need to respond or speak in any situation, this is the place to do so.”

He wondered what they would do with a group of listeners. Sit around and stare at eachother for an hour?

Caitlin ended their little conversation with rules of conduct and etiquette. Through her facade he could tell that she wasn’t very keen to have him join the group. At least they had something in common.

“Max,” she started again as she ushered him out of the room, “You might not be ready to fully participate yet. But try to respect others for coming, for trying. Do this by listening to what they have to say. If you listen you might realise they cope with very relatable problems.”

Nothing of that was true. None of them were a threat to humanity for reasons they couldn’t remember. He touched the scars around his mouth and moved his hand to his newly painted hair. Nobody was left behind by the only guy who mattered because they couldn’t have sex.

Caitlin stopped him when they reached the classroom. Shara was nowhere to be found.

“Come inside, meet the group,” she said and held the door for him.

There had never been a more idiotic idea presented. He wanted to go home asap. If she couldn’t see that, how could he trusted her to be a suitable psych.

“Fuck no,” he said softly and took a step back.   
“What are you afraid off?” she asked him and held the door on a crack, “We’re not bad people, Max, we’re here to listen, to help if we can. Do you need some help?”

That deserved a moment of silence. She held the door open once again. No judging remarks or challenging facial expressions. No cheers or slurs were coming from the classroom.

“Where is Shara?” he could not look her in the eye.

“Your handler? She probably went for a walk,” Caitlin said completely calm, “Would you like me to call her?”

“No, I’ll find my own way out,” Maxem turned away.

“Max, you must be aware that we have strict instructions to not leave some of our members alone. You included,” Caitlin glanced inside where everything was quiet.

There was no escaping this, the fear and panic had nailed his feet to the ground. There were no more words or excuses.   
A second woman made her appearance and smiled at him.

“Come join us. Everyone is very anxious to meet you.”

With that, they had made it impossible for him to run. With clenched fists he followed the order and walked into the room. All eyes were on him and he couldn’t look at any of them. Like an animal on display he was presented to the whole group. They sat him down on a seat.

“Why don’t you introduce yourself,” the other counselor touched the back of his chair before she moved to her own.   
“Why don’t you go first,” Maxem pushed between his teeth.

“Very well,” the counselor smiled like there was nothing to it and rubbed her hands together, “You’ve already met Caitlin and my name is Amuni. We’ve been counseling for quite some years now. And since two years, we’ve been at it together. Trying to make safe spaces for small group of people with issues for anything they would like to share. In my spare time I enjoy walking the dogs and mountain biking.”

She kept silent to leave room for him to start the introduction. But the girl he met at the beginning of this horror took over when he didn’t respond. He missed every name, face and any issues they might have been struggling with. Every voice was just a countdown to his turn.   
He counted three until the silenced stretched too long. Waiting for him. The clock on the wall didn’t help. Shara was still not here. He couldn’t remember how long this was suppose to take.

“Max? Even a short introduction would make everyone more comfortable,” Caitlin said and had clasped her hands together, “Would you like us to do it for you?”

That was the very last thing that he wanted. Who knew what dirt they got on him. They might call him by a wrong name. They might not recognise him with the black hair. But they knew who he was. Everyone knew exactly who he was.

A fire spread through his entire body as if made of dry grass and his sweaty hands soaking his jumper. This was it. This was the moment he had been dreading. Where the whole world would come crashing down and Gatou was not by his side.

Everybody looked at the elephant in the room. Did they really have to make such a big deal out of this? Of course they had. It was a big deal.

“I’m Max,” Maxem blurted before the woman took his silence for consent, “You all know who I am.”

He waited for the volcano to erupt but all that came were soft muttered welcomes.

“Thank you very much, Max,” Amuni said not any less pleasant, “Because of circumstances, we do know who you are. And we did share your arrival with the group beforehand, but each and everyone of us agreed that no matter who you are or what you’ve done matters in here. We’re about talking, listening, sharing and helping eachother. So yes. You’re most welcome within our little group.”

Why didn’t they tell him this before hand? Incompetent bullshit. Maxem slouched in his chair and couldn’t look any of them in the eyes. He wanted this to end.

“Well then I think this is a very good moment to conclude our session for today,” Caitlin said and stood up, “We love to see everyone again next week.”

Maxem was the first out the door and found Shara waiting in the hallway.

“Where have you been?” he snapped in a low tone.

She raised her eyebrows questionably, “What do you mean?”

He looked around to all the people passing him, watching him. The only girl of the group didn’t leave it at that.

“A real famous person,” she nudged him but he managed to dodge the contact, “What’s that like?”

Maxem bit down on his teeth. Who was she to ask questions like that.

“Rainha, let’s leave those questions for another time, during the session?” Caitlin interrupted and saw the look appalled look on Maxem‘s face, “When Max is ready to share.”

“Max?” Shara asked and looked at Maxem funny.

“Let’s get out the fuck out of here,” Maxem grabbed her by the arm and dragged her towards to exit.

“Whoa calm down,” Shara resisted his rough pull, “Slow down.”

“Fuck this bullshit,” Maxem yelled and slammed the hallway doors open, “Why not hang me right here, right now? Why this fucking effort to torture me? Is this fucking amusing to you people? Fuck!”

The wall he punched didn’t give way for him. Neither did Shara when he turned around. He didn’t reach her in time, her hands we’re already on him. Warm and calming. He slid down on the floor.

There was rage and tears in his body and she wouldn’t let him feel it.

“Calm down, honey bee. Take a deep breath,” Shara’s voice was low but the hallway too empty.

Between his hands he shook his head. No use following orders if she was the one doing it for him. He wanted to get out of here.

“Everything alright here?” Caitlin asked, her footsteps echoed.

“Under control,” Shara said and did not let go of Maxem, “Sometimes a simple comment can be the last drop.”

The counselor looked at Rainha standing next to her.

“Guess I was a bit too invasive. Sorry about that,” she knelt down at Maxems feet, “Listen. Get your shit together, dickwad. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, that’s why we’re here and not with the normal people. So we can learn how to not fuck things up so much.”

They left when Maxem didn’t reply and Shara kept holding his hand.


	21. Chapter 21

Vivienne made clear that he would have to try again, she was not happy about the medical stunt he had pulled. So Shara guided him to another meeting and he sat down like a good little boy.

After a general how-are-you-doing-this-week round, Rainha stood up presenting herself and draining all the attention.

“I’d like to reach out to our newest group member because I thought it was skewed that everyone knows who he was and he doesn’t know any of us,” Rainha said holding her chest puffed out, “So with your permission I’d like to take my time to tell my story again.”

“That is very considerate of you Rainha,” Amuni said and looked into the group to the two guys and Maxem, “How do you guys feel about that?”

They both nodded in agreement. Maxem felt his throat tighten up. He couldn’t say no, he couldn’t say that he didn’t want to listen to her shit. That was the only thing he he would do in this group, listening. Just so he didn’t have to talk.

“Very well, Rainha,” Caitlin nodded, “Why don’t you sit down and tell us your story.”

It took him a moment to realise that she in fact disregarded Caitlin’s order to sit down. Instead she paced around thoughtfully for a few moments. Tapping her lips with her finger.

“When I was a child, hardly five years old, my father and mother took me to the beach. A vacation. I made sandcastles and swam in the ocean, made friends with other kids on the beach. But when night fell and the weather had turned cold, I couldn’t find my parents,” she paused for dramatic effect, “I searched left and right. Cried at feet of the ice cream man, yelled my lungs out at the coastal watch. At that point it had become clear that they had left me there. At the beach, all by myself. Eventually some cook of a nearby diner took me to the police station where I stayed for the night. The next day my aunt picked me off and took me home without an explanation. My parents acted like nothing had happened, but throughout my childhood continued to do this into various severities.”

When she apparently was done, everyone kept silent. Maxem wasn’t sure what was expected of him. Should he feel bad for her? Was that an appropriate feeling? Should he comfort her? She wasn’t in tears. What did they wanted of him?

She hadn’t sat down yet.

“Okay, before anyone says anything, I’m a compulsive liar,” she looked a bit more strained now, “So none of this was true, if you catch me saying anything that sounds a bit too idyllic, like a story, it’s very likely a lie.”

He didn’t understand how this made them any more even. This didn’t tell him anything about what really happened or why she was the way she was. Or did the things she did. It didn’t sound like a confessional at all.

“Thanks for sharing,” one of the guys said and turned to Maxem expectantly.

Was he suppose to thank her now? Had this all been some sort of attention grab? She almost seemed to be proud of her problem.

“Okay?” Maxem squinted his eyes and crossed his arms, “And you like being in the center of the attention too? Congrats that seems to fit very well with your little problem.”

Rainha looked at him like he had slapped her in the face, which would probably have been a more effective point to make. The impression she had wanted to make completely missed its mark. The only thing she had done was make a fool out of herself.

“Excuse me, your royal highness,” she snapped fiercely, “I forgot that nobody steals the spotlight of the murder prince! Everyone watch out, he might chop your head off!”

“Dare to fucking say that again, bitch!” Maxem exploded threw his chair back and walked up to her face.

One of the guys instantly got in between and stood between them, “Back off,” he ordered with authority and pointed towards his fallen chair, “Pick up that seat and sit down.”

Maxem stared him in the eyes and noticed that one of them was made of glass. His face was older, tired, worn and scarred. Not like his own, but battled.

It drained his anger like a drop of water in the desert. The face looking back at him was as much as a mirror as it was going to get. He needed to get away from is as soon as possible.

Swiftly he turned around and walked to the door.

“Max, stop,” Caitlin stood up and reached the door before him, “Don’t leave. Work this out.”

“Fuck that!” Maxem yelled and wanted to cry, to be alone, to have Shara hold his hand.

“No, Max, listen. Outbreaks happen. People get emotional, triggered, get insulted, but we need to learn from that. Take responsibility, deal with it and apologize.”

Her face was utterly serious, but this ridiculous notion made him want to laugh in her face. If only he was able to. For a moment he watched the door that she was blocking, he needed to get physical if he wanted to get through it.

Vivienne would also not give him the end of it if he ended this session early. So he breathed, clenched his jaw and walked back. With a jolt he picked and dropped the chair on its 4 legs again and sat down.

“I’m sorry,” he said and stared at the floor.

“That okay, I’m sorry too,” Rainha said and sounded just as apologetic, “Perhaps next time we’ll both mean it too.”

The man with the scars didn’t seem to trust it and was left standing in the middle of their little circle. His whole body was tense. His eyes were distant.

“Serge? Do you need a moment?” Amuni asked and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, “A glass of water maybe?”

Maxem also recognized the shiver that came with the touch and he looked up surprised. Then forced a grin and looked around.

“No need,” he said and took a few deep breaths, “Glad that everything got solved.”

“What about you Alexey? Good to continue?” Caitlin asked when she sat down again.

The small guy who hadn’t said much this meeting looked around nervously, a bit distracted. He looked hesitantly to Maxem.   
“Yeah, I’m good,” he managed and tried to be calm, “I’d like to share something if that is okay?”

“Rainha? You were done?” Amuni asked as if it didn’t go without saying.

“Yeah, I’m not going to continue after this spectacle,” she rolled her eyes, “Alexey, go ahead.”

He told about the new medication he had received that was putting him off. Maxem could relate, but couldn’t focus on anything that was said. Thoughts interrupted the conversation they were having and grew louder as the hour grew late. On multiple times the counselors tried to include him on the conversation or sharing of ideas. Nothing made him give.

At the end he hardly noticed that the time was up. But it was Rainha who kicked his shoes.   
“We’re done,” she told him like he hadn’t bit her head off, “You zoned out completely after our little spat, what are you on?”

“Medication,” Maxem got up and wanted her to go away.

He had already answered, which was the worst way to get rid of these kind of clingy people. Amuni thanked them for coming and he focused on that before he was out the door and safely with Shara’s company.

“Hello again,” Shara said stiffly who saw Rainha walking next to him.

“What’s he on? Explosive behaviour, spacing out for hours, sounds like an interesting mix,” she asked Shara this time.

“Oh that’s just him,” she smiled and stopped Maxem from walking away, “And you?”

Rainha looked confused at the question and started laughing.

“I’m not on anything. All that stuff, it messes with my creativity you know,” she waved her hands near her head, “Blocks out the real me.”

“Aha,” Shara nodded politely, “That’s very good for you, but perhaps it’s an idea to start.”

With that they left Rainha in the empty hallway.

 


	22. Chapter 22

Maxem was playing his racing game when the doorbell rang. It had done that before, once or twice, giving him near breakdowns while it was simply a food order for Shara. Just like today so he ignored it when it rang again.

But Shara didn’t come rushing down and the ringing was messing up his game.

“Shara, your fucking food is here!” he threw his controller down as he lost the race.

Hasted footsteps came down the stairs, “Chill, I didn’t order any food. It’s probably mail.”

The doorbell rang again and this time it was followed by knocking. Shara frowned for a moment but hurried to the door.

Now Maxem started to get worried, they didn’t get mail around this hour. And if they did, they would ring once and leave.

He couldn’t hear what Shara was saying or who was at the door, but the struggle that followed was very recognizable.

This was a very good moment to run, to hide away, but Maxem only managed to get on his feet. There was no way he could reach the stairs on time or climb out of the window.

A blond girl entered. The blond girl who had recognized him on the streets. Dove from the Petshop. She didn’t cover up her collar this time.

“Hi Cyde,” she spoke and put up a guilty face, “How have you been?”

Maxem couldn’t respond. Then a man appeared behind her, placing a hand on her hip while he walked past. For some reason the man looked pleased to see him.

“It’s a miracle,” the man said gesturing to his entourage, “He’s still alive.”

When the man came closer, Maxems brain short circuited. Who was this man? Why was Dove here? Where had Shara gone? What had they done to Shara? Nothing came out of his mouth, but he stepped backwards.

“Don’t worry kid, only here to say hi, see how you’ve been,” the man looked at him funny and then turned back to Dove, “He really doesn’t remember, does he?”

The girl shook her head and stayed back. She made sure to close the door. Where was Shara?

“Then they surely did a more thorough job than we did,” the man said to himself and seated himself broadly on the couch, “Dyed it black? Great way to ruin your beautiful hair.”

“Where is Shara?” he croaked, hardly being able to make a sound with his dry mouth.

There was no use in trying to turn his fingers into fists. His whole body was as stiff as a board. Paralyzed with confusion and fear.

“The alien girl? She’s fine,” the man looked up at him, “Come on, don’t be shy, come sit.”

“What the fuck? Where’s Shara?” Maxem yelled but couldn’t get any volume in his voice.

He walked up to the girl who couldn’t shake the guilty look, but wasn’t too fazed by his distraught behaviour.

With a snap of his fingers the man demanded his attention back.

“Have you lost all of what Hyde gave you? Come sit on the couch with me.”

Maxem pushed his hands through his hair and had trouble breathing. He did need to sit down or he’d fall. But that man, that man that knew him, but he didn’t know. The only thing he needed to remember was that he came from the Petshop.

“What do you want from me?” Maxem spoke in his hands and swallowed when he almost puked.

“Just a talk, see how you’re doing,” the man spoke and reached out to him, “Sit down.”

Slowly Maxem sat down on the edge of the armchair. He had his back turned to the girl now, which wasn’t a good idea. But his mind wasn’t working. Nothing was making any sense.

“Very good,” the man said and moved closer, too close, “Let me have a look at you.”

Maxem moved back when the man moved to touch him. Had they touch before? To what extend? How much did this man know of him?

“All right,” the man leaned back and lit a cigarette, “So what are you doing with the alien girl? What happened to your angry boyfriend, did you ditch him again? If you keep on doing that there will come a time when he won’t be coming back, you know.”

He looked Maxem straight in the eye. There was no answer to that, not that the man had really wanted an answer.

“But you’ll always have a place with us, if you feel the need to escape.”

The smoke strangled Maxem and made it impossible for him to speak.

“I must say, you still are at your best when you don’t use your mouth for talking,” the man continued, reached out again, tilted Maxem's chin and wiped over his lips, “Makes me remember the times you did put it to good use.”

This time he couldn’t move away, he had already been caught. The words spoken were terrifying and he did not want to fully understand their meaning. About things he couldn’t remember. Things he had done. Thing he consciously choose to do.

Involuntarily he inhaled when the man slid a hand from knee to thigh.

“I could help you remember,” the man breathed and was dangerously close, “All the things we used to do.”

Maxem pushed free, got up and walked to the kitchen. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath. This man was right, he could tell him everything he wanted to know. This man was there, had seen things that even Gatou didn’t witnessed.

“Fuck, okay,” Maxem croaked and leaned over the sink just in case, “You tell me everything I want to know. About what happened. And we’ll see from there.”

“My such an enticing offer,” the man puffed away on his cigarette.

For a moment he seemed to consider it. It gave Maxem time to get a hold of himself, which seemed like an impossible task. The girl stood at the door and looked at him, smirking when he walked back.

“I’ll tell you what,” the man rose and opened his wallet, “I’ll leave you my card and you can stop by anytime you want.”

Apparently that was cue for Dove to open the door and leave. Shara was still out there somewhere. Maxem stared at the television screen where the image of his car wreck was still visible. Trying not to give in when the man closed up on him again.

“And when you do,” the man showed him the card and put it carefully inside Maxem's back pocket, “We’ll take our time re-creating those memories.”

When he left and Shara got pushed through the door. She was unconscious, without any recollection of what happened.

 


	23. Chapter 23

Shara demanded answers and Maxem refused to give any. She got more out of Vivienne that evening than Maxem would ever care to share, or could share.

The man that had sat on the couch knew him well and Maxems mind was completely blank. He had touched him, they had done stuff together. Consensual stuff, things he couldn’t do with Gatou. He felt dirty now, the whole house felt dirty.

So he stayed silent when Shara asked questions and spaced out when Vivienne tried to assess what happened.

They knew where he lived now, they might’ve known for a long time.

Falling back into his lethargic state, Maxem became bedridden. Unable to get up in the morning, unable to look at the tiny card.

“It’s time for group therapy, Maxem,” Vivienne told him and opened the curtains, “Would you please get dressed as soon as possible.”

It wasn’t a question. Maxem could recognize an order when there was one. He would do it in a moment, just a while longer until the empty feeling had dissipated.

Maxem laid motionless on the bed, waiting for his body to move or Vivienne to move it for him.   
The therapy would give him nothing, the people there were telling themselves and each other lies. He didn’t want to have any part in that.

Then there was the burning hole inside his jeans pocket. Answers that everybody refused to give, things he was better off not knowing. A history Gatou had kept from him. Now that he was happily screwing his girlfriend on the kitchen table, Maxem could actually find out what they didn’t want him to know. He touched the card carefully. He could visit the man.

When Vivienne had came back to tell him one more time, Maxem had pulled on some pants and walked towards the door.

The way there were plenty of obstacles to overcome. Not only Shara was difficult to get rid off, the counselors, other patients and the building itself. There was no use thinking about how to get where he needed to go after he got away. First things first, distracting Shara.

In silence she guided him through the hallways. Her hands were gloved in smooth satin and he could only hope her scanners were turned off. He couldn’t have her pick up on anything before he actually tried something.

Luckily she stayed quiet and smiled at him coldly, before he entered the classroom.

Apparently he was late, everyone was there and stared at him. Caitlin told him to sit and Amuni welcomed him pleasantly. He ignored them.   
The patients were his concern, determining who was more likely to lose their cool. He had no time nor taste to sit here and listen to everyone yap about their weekends.

“I’ve had some kind of breakthrough,” Rainha started like his entry triggered something in her, “Last week, where I was going through the motions you know, doing some shopping.”

He looked at her and saw her looking back at him.

“Maybe it was because this dress I was trying on just looked so super good on me,” she motioned to the dress she was wearing, “But, I don’t know, something just flipped inside my head.”

“All right, stop right there, before we start sucking each others dicks here. Last week you were crying over how nobody understood, nobody could see through your lies and now we’re going to celebrate your miraculous recovery?” he crossed his arms and watched her intently, “How long are you going to fool all these people huh? You pathetic fuck. Most elaborate fucking cry for help I have ever seen. Why don’t you throw another fit, bitch, because I don’t think these gullible assholes have seen how pathetic you can get. And forget about the whoring you’ve been doing, nobody is waiting for a whiney little cunt like you.”

“Excuse me?” Rainha was in tears already and flipped her chair towards him, “You…”

She had no words so she started yelling really loud, thrashing around when Amuni approached her to calm her down. She got hit in the face instead. This made Serge jump up to save the day, but the stomp that hit him in the stomach made him freak out. A mist of rage fell over his face and he started wrestling the girl down with more power than necessary.

Now everyone was focused on Serge and Maxem snuck to the door.

“Shara fucking hell, help them,” he yelled and showed her the fight.

Like planned, Shara jumped to the rescue, whereas Maxem took his chance to run as fast as he could.

After sneaking past orchestra practise, he made his way through an open emergency exit towards freedom.

As soon as he got on the street and he hailed a taxi and gave the driver the card. He didn’t even know if it had an address on it. But the car rode off and he was on his way.

It was unbelievable that the trick in the meeting actually worked. Last time both Caitlin and Amuni jumped in but let the spat happen. It could’ve easily ended up the same way. With them exchanging a fake apology for good form.

It had been a complete shot in the dark, but it worked. Even Shara ran in to help other people, instead of keeping an eye on him. Almost as if they all let it happen.   
Wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans didn’t work. The driver gave him suspicious glances through the rear-view mirror. But Maxem was busy looking at all corners and roads to see if he wasn’t being had.   
A beeping filled the car and he struggled to pull out his phone. His hands were shaking and he couldn’t see straight. But he didn’t need to see to know it was Shara calling. He pushed her away and shut down his phone. It was only a reminder that this was a horrible idea.

Those people, that man, they had made what he was today. The constant horror, the never-ending anguish.   
The car rode up the highway and it was all taking an awfully long time. Not to forget the fact that he’d have to escape the taxi driver, he didn’t have any money. Nevermind the fact the disaster if the man actually recognized him.

But he had to hold on, he had to keep it together. Now that he managed to catch his breath he could confront the man. Not let him touch him, not let him blow smoke in his eyes or whisper disgusting scenarios in his ear.

He was going there for answers, he needed to focus, keep it firm in mind. If only he didn’t take the medication this morning. If only they hadn’t forced him to eat anything at all.

The car rode up on a busy street and he pointed to a store, which was not yet open. Thick neon letter spelled out the name, a minimalistic showroom showed a few items on display.

Reluctantly Gatou had told him what the store had been about, or as much as he had liked to admit. Which had explained his reluctance to have sex, but not much else.

The man behind the wheel tried to catch for attention when he was just pressing his face against the window. They were really here, he needed to get out and do things. But he didn’t want to. Going inside and talking or even listening to that man sounded excruciatingly difficult.

The taxi driver wanted money though and was getting impatient. So Maxem needed to get out and disappear one way or the other. He opened the door and ran. The man yelled, but didn’t come after him. Maxem laid low for an hour before he even considered walking past the store a dozen times.

This was a perfect opportunity to leave, to go home, go to Gatou. But Gatou was with his new girlfriend now. Fucking his time away, enjoying it to the fullest extend.   
It didn’t matter he didn’t want him to know, or that he would be talking to this person. Gatou was out of the picture. Forever. Maxem was on his own. 


	24. Chapter 24

Knocking on the door didn’t seem to have any effect so he took a look around the back. There was an emergency exit, but locked, knocking on that door produced a big, burly bouncer.

Maxem showed him the card and tried to explain his business, but his tongue was stuck and he didn’t even know the name of the man.

The bouncer seemed resolute. For a moment he wondered if that was it, everything had been for nothing. Pack up and go home. All that effort gone to waste.

Then the bouncer got called back and he was let in. He didn’t recognise the woman that led him through the building, nor the place itself. They went through some hallways, through some doors, up some stairs and then they stopped.   
Even if the woman had a constant worried look on her face, but kept her opinion to herself. Good thing. He did not need more critique on top of the shit his own mind was giving him. She opened the door for him and closed it after him.

In the office the same man sat behind a desk, working behind a computer. He didn’t look surprised when Maxem entered, who crumpled the card in his sweaty hand.

“Take a seat kid, let me finish this and I’ll be with you in a moment,” the man didn’t look up from his computer and typed away.

Maxem didn’t sit, but focused on breathing while keeping an eye on the man. The man was focused on his own work. Whatever he was doing, it seemed more important than Maxems surprise visit.

Making him wait, making the uncomfortable situation stretch. Classic ways of being dominant.

“Take control of the situation” Vivienne always told him.

But how could he do that? This was his turf, his terms. Maxem had no way of getting what he wanted while being in control. Waiting seemed to be the only way.

“Hey!” Maxem said loud and swallowed.

That was it. The man looked up from the pc and leaned back. Nothing happened.

“Come sit, this will only take a minute.”  
“It has been a minute.”

The man nodded and moved away from the desk, “Still as stubborn as ever. All right, why don’t we move to a more comfortable location.”

“Here is fine,” Maxem gritted his teeth, “You know me, how do you know me?”

With raised eyebrows the man leaned on the desk, “You used to work here, well… In an establishment in the City mind. Do you remember that?”

Questions he should not answer. All people were manipulative assholes, especially these.

“Who are you?” Maxem demanded and pressed his fists in his pockets.

“My name is Takashi,” he flashed a brilliant smile, “Does your girlfriend know you are here?”

“I’m asking the questions,” Maxes pressed his eyes closed, “How did I end up in this place?”

Takashi sighed wistfully, “I’d love to tell you all you want to know, but let us sit down somewhere, have a cup of coffee? Do you still like it black?”

The man got up and walked towards him and Maxem moved away. Keeping as much distance as possible. He didn’t want any unintentional or intentional touching. It only produced another big smile.

With a polite gesture the man held the door open.

“Come with me,” Takashi ordered and started to walk.

Maxem followed. They backtracked through the Petshop. There was nothing to be seen of dirty whores and filthy love nests. The man took him to a luxurious room outfitted  with a cosy sit corner, a small cocktail bar and strange mood lighting.

Takashi sat down on one of the fluffy couches and buzzed the intercom with a request for coffee and snacks. Maxem kept standing, imagining all the people that had sex on these couches, these floors.

“Sit down, kid, I’m not going to bite,” Takashi said and held out his hand, “Consent is an important thing here too. If I wanted to force you into anything I would’ve done that already.”

Maxem held his breath, trying to keep his heart in check. It wasn’t working. The touch on his lips, the hand on in his back pocket. He wanted to freak out, scream.

“What...” he started and swallowed hard, “How did I start here?”

“We found you on the streets,” Takashi began when it became clear Maxem was not sitting down, “After you escaped the clutches of your mother. I am unsure of what she did to you, but it left you disturbed and frightened.”

A thin woman came in after a knock and provided them with a tray full of lunch snacks and a fancy coffee pot.

Takashi took the pot and sniffed, “Nothing beats a strong, fresh brew. I’m sure you’ll like this.”

“You picked me up from the streets,” Maxem repeated impatiently.

“We fed you, clothed you, gave you a bed to sleep in,” Takashi poured the tiny cups, “We would’ve let you on your merry way but you were grateful and wanted to stay low for awhile. So you signed the free-ended contract and started working for us.”

“Fucking lying cunt. You picked my off the street and fucking tortured me, cut up my face,” Maxem exploded and took several steps closer, tempted to throw the offered cup back in his face.

The man looked at him offended and leaned back with a tiny sandwich.

“I never hurt you. No-one in their right mind would hurt a valued courtesan, not to mention the face. We take good care of our employees,” he plopped the bread in his mouth and licked his fingers, “Your mother must have done that to you. You were covered in scars when we got you back at our main store in Solaris.”

There were no memories or any figments drifting in his mind. It could be the truth or some fabricated story. There was no way to tell.

The silence stretched and Maxem bit down on his lip and clenched his twitch fingers. Takashi looked at him and patiently waited for more questions.

“Come, sit down,” he patted the sofa, “Take a breath. Have some food, drink some coffee, relax. You look like you’re going to faint. Are they treating you okay?”

There was a deep urge deep down to follow up on the order, but Maxem resisted with every fiber in his body. Voluntarily signing up to become a whore didn’t sound right. The thought alone of having sex for money, having sex with strangers, having sex at all filled him with disgust.

But he knew what he became sometimes, when his mind started racing. Thoughts coming too fast and slipped his mind again a moment after. Too intangible to grasp, too focused on everything else to care about his mutilated dick, just about getting off.   
“After a while three Libixian women came and took you away,” Takashi said eventually, “Brought you back to your mother.”

The worst part was that it sounded plausible. It matched up to what Gatou had told him. He remembered the women, somewhat. One of them had come to visit once or twice, but the awkwardness was a boiling bubble brewing in the room.

Maxem bit down harder on his lip.

“What are you doing with that young Libixian girl?” Takashi continued picking the strawberries out of the selection of fruit from the platter, “A new way to keep you in check? Is it a new way for your old friends to keep an eye on you?”

“Shut your fucking mouth,” Maxem yelled and turned away.

He was tired of hearing the man talk. He came here to ask questions, but there was no more to ask and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to listen.

Takashi downed his coffee and placed it back on the table. Maxem could feel his eyes pricking in his back. He was at loss. What could he say or do? Why did none of these answers feel any kind of satisfying. There were no memories, everything was empty in his head, but it felt like his mind was overflowing.

“I need to go,” he announced and turned to the door.

“Kid,” Takashi started and jumped up, “I’m glad you are okay,” he moved in closer, “Even though it hurts that you don’t remember how close we used to be.”

“You certainly had a funny way of showing it last time,” he knew he shouldn’t linger but he turned around at the doorway anyhow, “Kidnapping and drugging my friend.”

“Tell me how I can show you my sincere regret,” Takashi was very close now.

Maxem wanted give another biting reply but another touch caught him by surprise. Two fingers slowly slid down from ear to collarbone.   
A whimper escaped Maxems lips and the pure scent of the man's cologne stopped him from punching the man in the gut. It was familiar. Mixed with smoke and coffee, he knew this scent.

“Why don’t you come you come by next week and we talk some more,” Takashi was so close Maxem could feel his breath on his face.

Then the man turned around and left him there. Like a mouse that was toyed with by a cat and then abandoned. To find its way home again, scared and injured.


	25. Chapter 25

Vivienne opened the door for him when he got out of the taxi. He ignored the woman demanding that he should pay his fare and walked straight to the front door.

“In my office,” was the only thing she said when he passed her.

He had to wait for her to pay the taxi fare. He had to wait for her to finish the lecture. Threats and compromises were flung through the room. After a while Vivienne grew tired of his silent treatment and absent gaze. She sent him upstairs.

With pleasure Maxem hid himself away and tried to count his blessings when Shara was nowhere to be seen. When she wasn’t there the next morning, he grew worried. Vivienne had not gone to work and sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.

For a moment Maxem contemplated going back upstairs. Realising his mistake of coming down at all. But Vivienne’s judging gaze held him prisoner.

“Sit down,” she didn’t pour him a cup when Maxem took a seat.

Again the silence fell heavy and the urge to run away spread like wildfire. They had done this yesterday, what was there left to say?

Eventually Vivienne got up and placed his medication on the table. Unsure if he should take it or not, Maxem left his hands in his lap. Together with a sip of coffee Vivienne raised her hand in permission.

“What do you want from life?” Vivienne asked as Maxem swallowed.

“This fucking shit again? I’m tired of your repetitive bullshit,” Maxem almost choked on the pills and clasped his hand tightly around the glass of water.

“Tell me again,” Vivienne demanded, her voice level.

“Fine. In this life I don’t want to be alive any longer,” he pressed his teeth together, dry mouth smacking.

“All right,” Vivienne said and drained her cup, “What did you want yesterday? As to me there seemed to be something else on your mind-”

“Fuck you bitch! I’ll make sure to try a little harder next time,” Maxem yelled but fell back into his chair.   
Shivers and spasms were raging through his body. He wanted to close his eyes.

“I’m very glad you didn’t Maxem,” Vivienne continued, “That you came back again to us is telling. It’s very clear improvement. But what are you looking for?”  
Maxem kept quiet while he focus on the turmoil in his body. The hot blood pumping through his veins, spreading, laying a tingling warm blanket over everything. When all was fuzzy around the edges he looked up.

Ready for an answer, Vivienne waited. There was no answer to give so Maxem shrugged.

“What can I, what can we do for you?” Vivienne asked and Maxem shrugged again, “What can we do so that you don’t have to run away and we don’t have to worry?”

“Worry that I’m dead or someone else is?” Maxem retorted and licked his lips in vain.

He wasn’t interested in the answer anyhow. While Vivienne went on and on about Maxems health and safety and how that was first priority, Maxem noticed his breath going in and out of his body. Short breaths, lingering pauses. How everything around him was so heavy and how there were so many things.   
After he closed his eyes Vivienne's voice predominated, the words filled the entire space. It was all too much. There should be dark and quiet, but words flamed, bubbled and burst around him.

“Are you listening to me?” Vivienne repeated, hands flat on the table, “Hear me out Maxem. I think it’s really great and very important if you feel the need to go out and do something. Anything. Shara and I want to support you, but we can’t if you shut us out.”

Vivienne sighed, keeping their eyes connected.

“If you keep on being silent we might constrict you instead of helping you. Do you understand?”

With an effort Maxem held the eye contact. He knew that it was his turn to reply, to talk, but it was a lot of work. A sarcastically bitter retort was too much, let alone an honest one.

“Can I go now?” he asked and breathed in deeply.

With a sigh and a nod Vivienne stood up and started to wash her cup. Maxem laid his head down on the table, ready to do nothing for the rest of the day. 


	26. Chapter 26

Shara woke him up the next day, hands on her hips, dressed for action.   
“Come on,” her smile was forced, “We’re going running.”

The idea was so ridiculous Maxem almost laughed. Instead he got up, it was clear that she would accept no nonsense today. Still he took his time getting dressed.

“Isn’t going outside a stupid idea?” Maxem asked while he tightened his laces.

“Because of those lunatics? If they wanted to talk to you again they wouldn’t wait til you’re outside,” Shara crossed her arms, “As they have shown. I refuse to become a prisoner of their sudden irrational urges to say hi.”

Since they were touching a dangerous subject Maxem kept his mouth shut.

Outside the sun was playing with the clouds and every other person on the street had more eyes for him than anything else. They could all be working for that man, for his mother, for Gatou.   
Shara was oblivious to it all and took the lead. The brightness of the day stung his eyes and fueled his irritation. When they reached the local green Shara was already out of breath and sweating. It proved to be a bit much for her. Maxem tried to keep his breathing steady, but was just as tired.

With hands on hips again Shara turned to him and frowned.

“Nope,” she pursed her lips, “Let’s keep going.”

One circle around the park was all it took for Maxem to outrun her. It would be so easy to disappear out of sight and vanish. So many ways he could make her take the blame for his downfall. Cars racing past were a tempting possibility, but his feet stayed nailed to the ground.

Panting heavily Shara came to stand next to him and started stretching.

“I am not made for this,” she mumbled.

“What do you want from life?” Maxem asked her and kept watching the cars, “Vivienne keeps asking me that.”  
“I don’t even know,” Shara motioned him to sit with her, “Live a full and rich life? Do what I want?”

Maxem frowned at the answer and wondered if none of these people had a concrete idea.

“Vivienne just wants you to see that you’re past suicidal and you don’t have to be scared to admit that.”

“Fucking bullshit is all that comes out of her mouth,” he bit his lip and took the water bottle.

It did nothing to relieve his dry mouth.

“Maybe she thinks her sunny outlook and positive disposition will rub off on you,” Shara gulped down the water, “I for one think you’ll be in the hospital for some reason soon enough.”

Maxem stayed quiet and watched people pass. They all thought so too. And why wouldn’t they, it was the truth.

“Because it seems I still want to slap you in the face for running off on me. Let’s do another round,” Shara bumped on the shoulder and jumped on her feet. 


	27. Chapter 27

Even after a shower, Shara seemed distant and curt. It made Maxem wonder why she didn’t keep herself in check all of the time. Why she wouldn’t, though she could. It made the forced activities even more unbearable. The guilt, anxiety and fear that was connected to her, doubled every second. After all, it was his fault she was angry with him.

To undo the short run from that morning she ate a bowl of buttered popcorn while he raced a couple of easy tracks. Her sitting there judging him, was doing nothing for his performance.   
“Why are you bothering with these at all?” she asked, waved at the screen before licking her fingers, “You keep winning with a minute difference.”

“Warming up,” Maxem explained poorly and selected a difficult track to prove his point.

“You can’t lie to me, Maxem,” she put the bowl down, “I can tell.”  
“No you can’t,” Maxem bit his lip and tried to focus on the cars passing him by.   
Actually she could to an extend. A combination of reading emotions and his horrible lying abilities must make it grade school easy.

“You’re not warming up,” Shara rephrased, “Why are you wasting your time?”

“Because I’m fucking depressed and every little thing I do takes so much fucking effort- Fuck!”  
He threw down the controller and slumped down, “You’re not fucking helping either.”

On the screen the car crashed against an invisible wall near the audience.

“Then what do you need?” Shara asked him sharply.

Maxem covered his head and laid down, “For you to leave me the fuck alone. I need to hang myself.”

A message flickered on the television asking if he wanted to try again. After a moment of silence Shara stood up.

“Okay,” she said and went for the door.   
Maxem heard it slam behind her but held his breath. There was absolutely no way she would’ve walked out like this to leave him here, to have him kill himself. It seemed she had finally noticed there was no value in him and found this the best solution.

He cried softly, waiting for her to come back any minute. She didn’t and the hours stretched so long he felt like drowning. Inside him blades cut their way up, slicing everything in their path. The silence of the house was pressing down on him and sounds from outdoor were alienating.

All he wanted, all he could think about was Gatou.

How he wanted him to be there right now. How he wanted him to not have said those things. How he wanted to be able to give him what he deserved.

Stumbling, he got up and made his way upstairs, to the bathroom. The door opened itself again when he slammed it close, but he crawled into the furthest corner.   
Still it didn’t feel right. Like the pain in his body was far away or his thoughts too muddied. Logic too prevalent but contradictory. Telling him to quit acting like a pathetic little child. This was exactly what Shara, Vivienne and Gatou wanted. Break him, destroy him. By his own means, just to not get blood on their hands.   
It was painfully obvious. So he shouldn’t give them what they wanted. Not crying was too hard. Everything in his body yearned for it to end. Maybe there was a way to fix this.

He pulled out his phone and searched for Gatou’s number. Maybe if he begged hard enough Gatou would come back to him. Hold him in his arms, tell him everything was going to be okay. They would go home and sleep.

It was an unforgivable dream. Pathetic and impossible. Nobody would love him, he would love nobody back.

So instead he flung his phone away, emptied the bin and tied the plastic bag over his head. With a simple loop in his belt behind his back he rigged his hands to the radiator.

Breathing became hot and hard, it mirrored the heavy ache in his chest. It was only a matter of time now.

He hadn’t heard Shara come in but she ripped the bag off with a burning urgency. She didn’t speak or look mad, but when she embraced him she started to cry. He wrestled his hands free, wanting to push her away but grabbed hold of her, desperately.

They cried together. After, she took him to bed and they cried some more. The whole evening she did not let him go.

In the morning she argued with Vivienne demanding water and privacy. She wanted answers but got none. They reached an agreement where there would be no activities or interference. Only food and medication.

Shara drained a pitcher of water before she got back into bed with him.

“We’ll leave her out of this,” she told him and caressed his hair, “She doesn’t need to know a thing.”

Maxem didn’t care about Vivienne, he wanted to be held. He wanted her magic hand to make him feel safe and calm and sane.

 


	28. Chapter 28

“So about the reason you and Gatou,” she searched for the correct words, “took a break?”

A few days had gone by. Maxem just felt calmer just by lying next to Shara. His name still shook him up so he closed his eyes.

“He cheated on you?” she pushed and slid a hand over his back to his belly.

“I can’t have sex,” Maxem was glad he wasn’t facing her.

“Because of the Petshop?” she pressed him close, “Do you remember a lot from those times?”

“Nothing,” he answered and curled inward when he remembered the cologne, “I just can’t”

There were so many scars on his thighs and penis.

“There is no drive?” she asked and her hand burned on his skin, “Or you can’t get it up?”

“I feel sick when he touches me like that,” Maxem couldn’t be clearer than that.

The panic engulfing his body when Gatou slid his hand over his thigh was indescribable.

“I’m touching you right now,” Shara mentioned, tapping her fingers, “Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Your hands are magical,” Maxem grabbed her hand underneath his shirt, “Next to that you’re a girl.”  
Shara bit her tongue.

“I mean, I’m gay,” Maxem stumbled and pushed his face in the sheets, “Or I used to be.”

“When was the last time?” she continued and played tunes with her fingers.

“With a girl? I don’t remember. It must have been in the Petshop, surely.”  
He doubted it was an exclusive deal. The man didn’t mention anything about it.   
“No, I meant with Gatou,” Shara interrupted and conjured up memories he wished he didn’t have.

They fucked and fucked and his mind was going everywhere. He was so sure.

“After shock therapy,” he said quietly, “I was manic.”

“So never,” she seemed to have trouble finding words, “Like this?”

He shook his head. They tried, but he felt dirty. Gatou wanted him to lead, but he didn’t want to do anything at all. Even with the scars his dick wasn’t broken. He wished it was, then he would have an excuse.   
“So he never even gave you a blowjob?” she asked, “For release?”

Maxem snorted. The image of his mangled dick between Gatou’s lips was preposterous.  

“There is no need for that,” he rolled his eyes even if she couldn’t see it, “Haven’t had morning wood in years.”

Shara stayed quiet and propped herself up, her hand still warm on his chest.

“Do you want to feel how it is? Without being manic?”

What was she suggesting? Maxem breathed heavily into the sheets. Her hand felt burning hot now with all five fingers pressed into his skin.

It was this hand that filtered the panic away that came with the surprise and curiosity. He didn’t want to move away from it. She was probably the reason why he wasn’t scared. It was hard to determine now what was her or his doing.

Then he felt a weird itch, a strange desire.

“Are you doing it?” he asked and pushed his face further in the sheets, “Is this it?”

In the silence he could feel Shara smile.

“You know sex is a bit different for Libixians?” she pressed her breasts against his back and her soft breath tickled his neck, “Only women feel actual physical sexual pleasure. The males have to tap into that to get something out of it. Or we give it. So communicating is very important. If he doesn’t perform, it doesn’t feel right. If I don’t make him feel it, it’s like doing it with a puppet.”

Maxem heard the words and tried to focus on what she was telling him. Her hand was lying on his chest, toying with his skin. On his back her soft breasts were pushed up against him. He legs slightly wrapped around his. He couldn’t help but wonder how everything would feel if there was no fabric between them. Just pure skin.

His face felt flushed, but all heat gathered in his groin area. She was doing it, she knew exactly how he felt. Still he didn’t want her to see how it affected him.

“This feels super weird,” Maxem told her instead and pulled up his legs, “I’ve had enough, please stop.”

“Are you sure?” she moved her hand lower.  
Over the chest, stomach and belly button. A small glimpse of panic snuck through and made him open his eyes. Of course he was all right with it, now that she excluded all doubt and fear.

Of course he wanted that hand to touch his stiff cock. Exhale and relax.

Logic told him that this was not right. There was not a single original emotion left in him. With a push he turned on his stomach.

“Yes, stop it. Please.”

The feeling didn’t go away immediately, but she moved her hand to his side. After a couple of calculated breaths his dick limped back to his normal state.

“It was no good?” she asked him, “There was a lot of panic. I tried to give you a clear picture.”

“It’s weird getting a hard on for a girl,” Maxem explained but felt weary of the hand resting on his skin.

But Shara laughed and hugged him close.

“If that was all.”


	29. Chapter 29

That night Maxem woke bathing in sweat from another nightmare. Beside him Shara slept deeply. Holding hands now proved fruitless and the darkness was heavy and stifling.

All the calm and sanity he had experienced the past few days had evaporated. There was something wrong with him, deep inside and it had festered.

What Shara had done to him was overwhelming. For a long time he tried lying still, waiting for the feeling to go away or sleep to take him. But the poison inside him was relentless.

He did not remember this to be his constant state of mind of the last couple of years. Bound to drive any man insane.

Next to that his muscles would not stop twitching and his mouth felt like paper. Afraid he would wake Shara, he slid out of bed and closed the door behind him

The corridor was dark and empty. Still the house felt more alive than he did. It made him feel small and insignificant.   
On tiptoes he made his way downstairs. In the kitchen he drank his stomach full of water but it did nothing for his throat.

While trying not to breathe too loud, he sat down on the couch. He couldn’t really turn on his console or the tv because of the noise, but he had the immense desire to be distracted. To take his mind off things he was wound up in.

Being out of bed, out of Shara’s arms felt unreal. He’d suppose it should be the other way around. But he hadn’t felt as normal as he had those past few days since a long time. If ever. Now he was here in the dark with his feeling of unworth and dismal. Brooding in self-pity, spiraling down into depression.   
Going from manic to that was not comparable, where the depression was fueled by a sense of shame and incredible stupidity.

He stood up. The kitchen creaked and groaned. He opened the fridge and was blinded by the light. The cold was just as uncomfortable so he closed the door.

For a moment he wanted to crawl back into bed with Shara where it was warm and safe. There was the risk she’d wake up and he couldn’t take it.

Then there was the thing she had done. The way she had made him feel. How it reminded him of Gatou and how much he missed him. The words exchanged repeated again and again in his mind. The unfixable reason for the argument.

The way she had made him feel, something he could not conjure up for Gatou. Every pleading look, every desperate touch burned his skin. Expectation was a heavy burden followed by a sense of failure, shame and self-hatred.

Even if he didn’t remember there was an illogical sense of duty. One doesn’t simply dismiss the fact of being prostitutionalized.   
He remembered the crumbs on the man's lip as he told it was all voluntary. What if it was true?

Again he pushed his eyes closed, willing his thoughts away. His hands twitched, his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth.   
The darkness felt oppressive making him paranoid of voices in the shadows. All windows were bolted shut since his first escape.   
He tried to door just to have something to do. It was locked. He shook it in desperation. Wanted to bang, kick, smash the door down. Instead he pressed his forehead to the cold wood.

More moisture appeared on the varnish than there ever was inside his mouth. And it was just this shitty plank that stopped him from tasting the midnight sky. There was nothing he would rather do at that moment. There was nothing for him here and he wanted out.

“Maxem?” Vivienne was tying her robe as she came down the stairs, “Trouble sleeping?”

“No. Yeah, a bit,” Maxem stumbled away from the door, “Sorry. Did I wake you?”

“No matter,” Vivienne observed him for a moment, “Care to join me for a stroll?”

Maxem watched as she put on some shoes and opened the front door. A chilly breeze crawled underneath his pajamas. It wasn’t unpleasant.

“Come on,” Vivienne motioned with a nod.

So he stepped outside. It was quiet, but sounds of life were all around. In houses, cars, in trees. He could feel the breath of everything on his skin.   
Vivienne kept close but didn’t talk or question. They simply walked together down the street, past homes with people in them sleeping peacefully.

When they turned the corner Maxem realised he had absolutely no idea in what kind of neighbourhood he had been staying. Even on those short trips he made outside he wore blinders, a veil of extreme introversion.

The park where they had gone running was closed and it saddened him. It would be remarkable in the dark, without people to stare him down. Not dark and not blindingly light.

“Doesn’t Shara take you to the park sometimes?” Vivienne asked and looked at him, not the gates.

“When we go running,” Maxem explained and turned away.

Waiting for Vivienne to start leading again. They turned into another street with houses that all looked the same. But Maxem knew that behind each door there were people with dreams and hopes and ambitions. Things beaten out of him, stolen away or things that had simply died.

He wondered if Vivienne still had any. Maybe Maxem was just another failure on her list. Stubborn to a fault, like someone else he knew.   
Gatou hadn’t stopped calling. Shara hadn’t told him anything during their time in bed. Sometimes he wanted to take the phone from her, tell him exactly what was up. He fervently wanted to tell Gatou all about what he had been feeling.

Right now, he was too scared to even think of his voice.

“Shall we head back, I’ll make us some tea,” Vivienne suggested and tightened her robe tighter.

Maxem didn’t want to, that dark house full of staleness and sticky passivity. Of course he didn’t protest. There was a good thing that house had brought him. Warmer than the tea fresh from the kettle. She was still asleep when he crawled into bed.

 


	30. Chapter 30

Maxem sat down on a chair in the circle of confidence. The two counselors and every patient stared at him. He could only grit his teeth and avoided their judgement. They were going to ask him about it, it was only a matter of time.

Instead Serge crossed his arms and looked at Maxem.

“It’s brave of you to have come back,” Serge didn’t look very impressed, “After the stunt you pulled.”

Rainha looked very uncomfortable and tried very hard not to be.

“But no matter what you did, it’s also my place to apologize,” Serge breathed deeply, “Especially to Rainha.”

“You already did,” Rainha said as if she didn’t want to be reminded, “You don’t have to keep apologizing.”

“I’m not going to, I’m going to explain myself,” Serge shot to Rainha quickly, “Because believe me, that was not the first time I lost control, and it will definitely not be the last.”

Maxem wondered what if it had anything to do with him at all, the way the man had looked at him in the beginning. Next to that, he didn’t feel brave at all. Vivienne and Shara made him go. He was too embarrassed to even set another foot in this building.

“The scars on your face reminded me of my own,” Serge motions to Maxem and put him on the spot, “I usually avoid mirrors, well enough to make me forget. I can go days, weeks without ever thinking back to the day they were put there.”

Serge clenched his jaw and fingers, but breathed.

“There is always something to trigger me, something that will bring me back on that chair, bound, covered in blood,” he swallowed hard and cast his eyes down, “The memories haunt me, like shadows or ghosts. A smudge of lipstick, a fish bone pricking my tongue, a sudden act of violence.”

Rainha rolled her eyes but kept her mouth shut. Her whole posture was rigid and cross. Maxem knew exactly how she was feeling.

“It can happen at the snap of fingers and I’m gone, I’m back at that place, in that moment of time,” Serge continued eyes glazed over, “Training and self preservation take over. I act on instinct to make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself. I will not let them or anyone else do to me what they did.”

Serge shook his head and stayed quiet. Apparently that was the end of the story. It wasn’t much for an explanation. Maxem didn’t see how it was applicable to him, but felt the need to say something.

“I did this myself,” Maxem said curtly.

It wasn’t the truth, he didn’t remember. Gatou had told him that others were to blame for all his scars. But there were reasons why they didn’t let him near sharp things.

He pushed his sleeves up and felt disgusted by the look of it himself. Serge didn’t seem fazed. Rainha was looking away. Alexey stared at him with big eyes, filled with absolute horror.

“I’d show you more, but that would be inappropriate,” Maxem quickly pushed his sleeves down again and crossed his arms.

He was very aware of all the scars on his body, his broken nose, constant bruises. He was a mess. Quickly he cast his eyes away, not sure why he even bothered to share this at all.

“Thank you for sharing, Serge, Max,” Amuni said gently, “These subjects can be hard to talk about, hard to explain to people. Rainha? Does this change your view of the incident of last time?”

Rainha looked at her surprised, taken aback. For a moment she fiddled with her hair, seemingly flustered. But making up a lie during the silence.

“Max attacked me verbally. I had to react in someway. My father taught me this,” she tried to look sad, “It’s not a good lesson. He drank a lot and would shout horrible stuff at me. Demeaning, belittling, plain cursing. Saying I was no good for this world. If I didn’t do what he wanted me to, which was always a shot in the dark, he would lash out. Hit me, hurt me. Now that I’m away from him I act in the same way. I mean, I don’t know how else to react.”

She had wrapped her arms around her body, trying to seem vulnerable.

“Is that the truth, Rainha?” Caitlin asked her and didn’t sound judging while stating the obvious.

Rainha groaned and flung out her arms.

“No, of course it isn’t,” she complained, “But how can I compete with those kind of sob stories? I have absolutely no reason to complain, do I? I mean even Alexey ran over his own kid, if Serge’s war stories weren’t sad enough. This is just the way I am and nothing in my past or present is there to explain that.”

“This isn’t a competition,” Amuni leaned in slightly, “Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's. There isn’t always a reason for the way we feel, we certainly don’t have to justify it in any way.”

Rainha grumbled again and looked away. The counselor now focused on Alexey who had covered his face.

“Alexey? Would you like a glass of water, or a moment?” Amuni asked but didn’t leave her seat to console the man.

“No, I’m good,” Alexey inhaled shakily, “It’s just…”

“Was it what Rainha said?” Amuni continued and gave Rainha a careful glance.

“No, I mean… It’s been such a long time, but…” he trailed off trying to wipe away a tear before it dropped, “She said it so casually.”

“Oh geez,” Rainha spit out the hair she had been chewing, “This is exactly what I mean. I can’t even say a word or I’ve ripped open someone else's wounds. I’m sorry Alexey, I didn’t mean to be blunt, but listen to the guy. Of course he’s going to have some trouble processing such a thing. Look at me, I’m suppose to be normal. I have everything going for me, but I’m still such a goofball. Can hardly say a word without lying.”

“It sounded like you have been pretty honest with us right now,” Caitlin pointed out and poured everyone a glass of water, “And Amuni is right, not having an instigator or reason for feelings, doesn’t mean they are not there or less valuable than others. There are a lot of people with problems, bigger, smaller, with or without reason. We’re different people, it affects us all differently.”

Rainha nodded but didn’t seem to satisfied with the answer. Perhaps she just wanted the attention. Maxem contemplated telling her about his own memory loss, but decided that he had said enough. Or that she could have her little moment.

 


	31. Chapter 31

He couldn’t escape Vivienne’s eager look when they got back into the car.

“How did it go?” Vivienne asked and didn’t start the car before she got an answer.

“Fine,” Maxem shrugged it off and Shara giggled.

“Well, no matter how it went I’m glad,” Vivienne turn around to focus on getting out of parking, “That you agreed to continue these sessions.”

“You’re the only one,” Maxem stared out of the window, dull and passionless.   
The moment they drove away he saw a man on the other side of the street. For a moment he thought he recognised the wicked smile, remembered the cologne and the way he licked his fingers. Then they turned the corner and Maxem held the queasy feeling until bed time.   
He watched Shara undress, but not really looking. She caught him staring but didn’t hide in embarrassment.   
“You’ve been distracted ever since you came back from therapy,” she crawled on the bed with him, “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Something is wrong,” Maxem said and bit his lip, “I mean, here, right now. We’re being watched or something.”

“You were the only one doing the watching, honey,” Shara played and she tried to push him down.

“No, I’m serious,” Maxem got off and walked over to the window.

There was nothing but darkness and his reflection. Serge had talked about his reflection, the shadows of his past haunting him like a beast in the dark.

“Did you eat you meds” Shara asked and frowned.   
“I’m not manic,” Maxem sharply turned around, “And yes, I did. Vivienne made sure I did.”

She was lying on the bed rather seductively so he turned back to the window. His own reflection looked disturbed. It was hard to see his face in detail, but he knew his eyes were still yellow surrounded by dark rings and heavy bags. The scars in the corners of his mouth. Blood and bruises were not difficult to imagine being there. It almost felt like they were missing.

“Are you looking at yourself?” Shara asked and had snuck up behind him.

His whole body froze when he felt her hands gliding down his arms and her warm breath on his back.

The look of absolute despair seemed too familiar. This combined with the man watching him this afternoon proved enough. He remembered, but nothing was clear.

Like trying to grasp a slipping dream, the image didn’t become more substantial. Looking at his reflection didn’t seem to help. He needed answers.

“I need to go into town tomorrow,” he told Shara who looked at him taken aback.

“What for?” she asked as he started pacing around the room.

“We could go now,” he said and bit his lip, “Though it’s a bit inconvenient during the night.”

“What are you talking about?” she sounded annoyed, “We’re not going anywhere unless you tell me what’s going on.”

“No, listen. I just need a ride into town,” he waved his hands around, “I can handle it from there.”

Shara took a few fiem steps and grabbed his hands, “What are you up to? Is this the same thing you’ve been sneaking off to?”

Maxem pulled his arm away like burned.

“Freaking hell, I’m not fucking manic,” he held his distance, “I’m telling you what I need, exactly what you and that fucking psych want. If that’s not appreciated you fucking well know I’ll find way.”

Shara look at him with a disapproving look, apparently waiting for him to continue. It only made him more uncomfortable, more anxious.

“Last time I bother to be nice,” Maxem mumbled and crossed his arms.

“Fair enough,” Shara hopped back on the bed, “But only if you’re nice to me right now in bed.”

He stood frozen in the furthest corner of the room. What was she suggesting? Did it finally come to this where she expected payment in return? Casually demanding sex for favours.

“Come on, I need a cuddle,” Shara patted the bed playfully oblivious, “It’s been a long day.”  
What kind of cuddle was she demanding? Was this why she had become so touchy lately? Had it been a manipulative way of getting him ready? He was not ready.

“For crying out loud, Maxem, honey,” Shara crawled on the bed towards him, “Are you scared? I’m not going to eat you for this. We’ll handle tomorrow as she comes.”

“You want to have sex?” Maxem asked choking on his own dry breath.

“What?” Shara stared at him.

“What?” Maxem mirrored to get as far away from the question as possible.

“Gosh, sure honey, but I don’t think you’re ready for it,” she started braiding her hair, “Why don’t we talk about it first? Come sit.”

“No. What, no I thought,” Maxem felt the heat in his head rise and pressed his sweaty hands together, “It was a question.”

Shara’s face went from confusion to clarity and eased into pity, “Honey, sugar, no. I meant some hugging, maybe you’d let me have the blankets for tonight if you’re feeling so generous.”

Maxem avoided her eyes when she came over and flinched when she touched his face. Shara didn’t care.

“Let’s go to sleep, it’s been a long day and it’ll be a long one tomorrow.”

With gentle hands and maybe some magic she coaxed him into bed and stroked his hair to calm him down. Of course it didn’t help to ease the raging feelings much.

“You know, if you ever want to try anything, I’ll be glad to help,” Shara whispered in his ear.   
Gatou had looked pleading when he had said that, desperate. While he knew of his mutilated dick, Shara didn’t and Maxem feared the day she would find out.

“I’ve done it all,” she giggled at a memory.   
He almost responded with ‘so have I’ but he didn’t actually know. He couldn’t remember.

Only his face staring back at him. So much terror, so much blood. So much pleasure in the eyes of the man behind him.

Shara must’ve felt his anxiety as she hugged him tighter. He never wanted to have sex again. That pointless, disappointing, disgusting activity. There was no pleasure to gain.


	32. Chapter 32

When Shara woke up he was set and ready to go. Getting her that far as well proved to be impossible. His plan on leaving before Vivienne woke up quickly fell through but even when she had left, Shara took her sweet time. There was nothing he could do without her. Luckily she told Vivienne nothing of the trip into town though she was suspicious enough of Maxem twitching around before midday.

After Shara made him wait at the door for another 10 minutes looking for some bus cards and identification. When they finally took place in the back, Maxem wasn’t so sure his plan to go at all. Not only Shara proved to be doubtful, but the whole ordeal was illogical. Waltzing in the place that prostituted him, demanding answers, giving nothing in return.

Shara beside him touched his hand and smiled. She didn’t calm his nerves or anxiety. Judging by the exhausted look, she had done enough of that lately. This was going to have to do.

They reached their destination and Shara had to manage him off the bus.

She looked around, “Where to now? Or are you going to dump me now that we’ve gotten this far?”

Shara pursed her lips. It wasn’t even such a bad idea, she’d never have to know where he was heading.

“Not going to happen,” she snapped her fingers, “You were being nice, remember?”

“I’m not feeling very nice anymore,” Maxem said and started walking.   
The establishment was a short stroll from here and looked most definitely closed. Shara frowned then saw him looking.

“You’re kidding me, right?” Shara frowned then pulled him to a halt.   
“I won’t be long,” Maxem found no escaping now the truth was out, “Stay here and I’ll be out in a bit.”

“What are you looking for in there? That man that forcefully intruded our home?” Shara didn’t let him go, “That’s the kind of low-life scum you need to stay away from.”

“I need answers,” Maxem resisted the urge to pull loose and run away, but she would follow, “I remembered something and that man can fill in the blanks. I can’t have my brain lying to me about this.”

“You don’t think that man will lie? That’s all he does. Gatou told you what happened, what that man did to you,” Shara grabbed his other hand, “This man's confirmation doesn’t mean a thing.”

“No, Gatou’s confirmation doesn’t mean shit. He lied to me. Just as much. Next to that he wasn’t even there,” Maxem snapped, “He doesn’t want me to know what happened, that I’m better off not knowing! Fuck that!! How the fuck am I able to process what has happened, when I don’t know what that was? Being oblivious is not helping me get any better.”

Shara searched his eyes and dropped his hand.

“All right, then I’ll come with you.”

“No Shara, I need to do this alone,” Maxem pleaded, “I can’t ask the right questions or believe him giving the right answers when I have you to worry about.”

“I will not let you in there on your own,” Shara said, waved at the building and stood firm, “I cannot trust them to spit you back out whole.”

Maxem turned around rubbing his face, “Fucking hell. I brought you here, I’ve done what you and Vivienne asked of me, I’ve been here before.”

“And I appreciate it, but I will not let you go in there on your own,” Shara frowned and looked pulled his hand to catch his eyes, “I’m coming or we’re leaving right now.”

“Fuck,” Maxem shook his sweaty hands and gave her a curt nod, “Fine, let’s go.”

They walked up to the building. In a rush he banged on the emergency exit and was greeted by the big guard again. This time the crumpled card was not necessary and a woman quickly guided him through the corridors.

She knocked on the door and glanced at Maxem and Shara. When there was no answer Maxem started to feel uneasy. The woman knocked again.

Shara had the same feeling as she pulled him down to whisper in his ear, “Don’t go in there Maxem. Seriously.”

“I need to Shara, fuck. Please, just stay here, let me go in alone, I’ll call you, I’ll yell at the first sign of danger.”

“Fifteen minutes,” she pointed at him, “If you’re not out by fifteen minutes I’ll come in guns blazing.”

Maxem looked at her as recognized the pleading look. He went inside anyway.

The giant bed was hard to overlook, neither were the occupants.   
“What a pleasant surprise,” Takashi mentioned, “If not slightly inconvenient.”

Maxem kept his place by the door and avoided the gaze of the 2 girls. He wanted to run away, but he pressed his nails into his hands.

“I was quite worried I wouldn’t see you again,” the man continued not bothering to get up or send the girls away.

“Can we talk in private?” Maxem spoke through clenched teeth.

Hoping that Shara wouldn’t be able to notice the situation, perhaps that was what she was referring too before he went in.

“My pleasure,” Takashi gave both of the girls a short wave.

Without embarrassment or decency they stepped out, gathered some clothes and left. Maxem could not look at either of them.

The man stayed in bed, naked, grinning, “So to what do I owe you the pleasure?”

“I remembered,” Maxem couldn’t look at him either, “A moment with you.”

“Oh?” the man stayed silent after.

Maxem frowned as it didn’t feel right telling this man anything. There was a chance that his mind had made the memory up, but without confirmation there was no way he would know for sure. This was what he came here for.

“Tell me about it,” Takashi demanded with a coy smile, “I would love to hear.”  
Maxem pushed his arms around his body and heard his breath tremble.

“I remembered a moment,” Maxem swallowed knowing Shara was just behind the door, “In front of a mirror, my reflection, yours behind me.”

“And what were we doing?” Takashi asked, moved away the covered and slid out of bed.

Maxem saw that his dick was still half hard. A breath was stuck in his throat and he couldn’t get the words out. He couldn’t look if the man was coming towards him or not. Pressing his eyes closed was a stupid thing, but he did it anyway.

“What were we doing in front of the mirror?” Takashi asked and the cigarette smoke surrounded Maxem, “Tell me what you saw.”

Carefully Maxem took a step away from the door, worried that Shara could hear everything he said. Even with his eyes closed he could feel the man, wafting around him.

“You touched me,” Maxem heaved and jerked away from the gentle touch on his lips, “I was covered in blood.”  
“Where did I touch you?” the man whispered nearly touching his ear.   
Maxem shivered and felt his knees go weak.

“Here?” the man touched his neck.   
Slithering from the hairline to the inside of his shirt.

Maxem bucked and pressed himself to the wall, “Don’t you fucking touch me!”

The man was actually wearing a robe, though left untied it just framed his naked body. He sucked the cigarette meticulously.

“What do you want to know exactly?”

“Why was I hurt?” Maxem found look at him in the eye just as hard as looking down, “What happened afterwards?”

The man searched his face with a reassuring smile.   
“You were depressed, you hurt yourself,” the man gestured at Maxems covered arms, “I tried to console you, made love to you.”

That word dug a stinging nail through his chest, he immediately averted his gaze.

“If I was there of my own free will, why was I so desperate to die?” Maxem remembered being completely relaxed in the man’s arms.

Letting himself go.

“I hope I don’t have to explain to you how your sickness works,” Takashi flashed a smile, “You were tormented by your mother's treatment. We offered several different medicine and therapy options. One of which seemed very effective.”

“But?” Maxem pressed reluctantly.

“But you wanted to get back with your boyfriend,” Takashi waved casually and moved to a small bar for a drink, “So we paid his bail and said our goodbyes.”

Maxem frowned and found his mouth thirsty for water. He didn’t want to ask nor accept. What he wanted to know was what kind of medicine Takashi was talking about. If there was something that could make him want Gatou, in every way possible, he might get him back.

He kept his mouth sealed.

“Are you two still together?” Takashi handed him a glass, “Or is it the Libixian girl now? She is here, correct?”

“What kind of medicine?” Maxem asked.

Anything was better than to answer any of those questions.

The man tipped his glass with a grin, “Let me show you.”

While the man had his back turned Maxem and looked at his phone. He had been in here for over fifteen minutes now. They better not have touched a hair on Shara’s head.

Takashi came back with a small silver box. Maxem felt his insides churn, eager to know what was inside. Silver latches clicked, unlocked and opened. Five golden syringes called out his name.

There was no specific memory but everything he remembered was good. He wanted it. There was no doubt in his mind.

“Go on,” the man whispered, “Try it.”

With permission he grabbed one of the needles, flexed his arm a couple of times and pressed the liquid inside. Carefully not to touch, he gave the syringe back and rubbed his arm. It itched.

“How does that feel?” Takashi asked him and handed him the rest of the case, “Good?”  
Maxem shrugged and turned the case over his hands. Feeling the cold, smooth metal. Hearing his nails click and scratch. It was so familiar, like he had seen it a thousand times before.   
Takashi sat down on the bed, “Come join me.”

The request sounded logical and Maxem started to feel rather accomodating. Perhaps this really was the magical cure he had been waiting for. The man on the bed didn’t look scary anymore, nor dangerous. He was familiar and he thought it would be a good idea to sit next to him. He wanted to, he really wanted to do a lot of things.

Maxem grinned and felt blood boil in his fingertips. Like strength flowing through his entire body, a certainty that made the whole world easy.

His arm stung and he rubbed it harder.

After a step, a stumble followed and his vision started to swell and blur. He could see Takashi sitting on the bed, waiting. But his whole body pulsated, a loud buzzing sound made its place inside his head and his arm was aflame.

He scratched and scratched, but nothing worked.

When he looked up again he couldn’t find the man anywhere. Actually he couldn’t find anything in the room. The furniture had moved and changed. All around him was something he didn’t recognize. Buzzing filled his ears and grained his vision to sand.

His arms had swollen from the lava inside it and grew bigger and bigger. Until it finally popped and all his panic and anxiety came raging through his body.   
Limbs started to twitch, which turned into spasms smashing hard against the ground. Around him and inside him reality dropped suddenly before it blinked into view. It wasn’t clear how long he had gone, but it happened a couple of times before he found his voice trapped in a little box, choking, calling for Shara.

She came running, but he lost it when the ground fell out from beneath him.

 


	33. Chapter 33

With a gasp for air he woke, tied to a stretcher, surrounded by paramedics in an ambulance. His limbs and muscles weren’t done trashing and his mind drifted away almost instantly. They had bound him to the bed again. It didn’t matter this time because he’d rather lie like dead anyhow.

Angry voices in his room made it impossible to continue his sleep.

“If you had told him the truth he wouldn’t have needed to go there in the first place,” Shara snapped, “Why don’t you stop blaming other people for once, Gatou, it’s excruciatingly childish.”

The name laid like a heavy stone in his stomach, he didn’t want to wake, or exist.

“Don’t start with me about responsibility,” Gatou growled, “I have been taking care of him for years. You’d rather leave him to his own devices. Getting him killed.”

The voice of Gatou was worse and the weight in his body intensified. He tried to reach out to Shara but his hand wouldn’t follow his instructions.

“Shara,” Maxem creaked and pried his dried tongue from the roof of his mouth, “Shara, please.”

His hand twisted in all kinds of positions in the restraints. It hardly felt his. Though she kept silent, she grabbed hold of his hand. Warm and comforting, even without the magic.

“Shara,” he panted and tried to take control of his body, “Make him leave.”

Keeping his eyes closed was the only thing he managed to do. It wasn’t that hard, moving the way he wanted to was hard.

“He’s worried about you, Maxem,” she told him and sat down on his bed.

“It’s fine,” it didn’t sound fine, “I’ll come back later.”

Maxem heard the footsteps move away and the door slammed shut. After he opened his eyes he wanted to reach out to Shara, she looked worse than he felt. But the restraints were hardly tested.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” he told her and swallowed hard, feeling for her hand, “I’m so sorry.”

“Was it worth it?” she asked after a while.

There was no answer to that question. Of course it wasn’t in hindsight, but at the time it was the most important thing he had to do.

“We used to fuck. A lot. That’s what he said,” Maxem wanted to squeeze her hand tighter, but couldn’t, “He said the medicine helped.”

“He used to raped you, Maxem,” Shara told him and held his gaze with sharp eyes, “He gave you drugs.”

Maxem exhaled and without his say his body sucked in more air.

“Well that explains it,” he bit his lip.

“Did you recognize it?” Shara asked, her tone didn’t change.

“I must’ve, at some degree,” he closed his eyes again as his head swirled, “I thought if there was something that could make me want to have sex…”

He didn’t continue. The room felt thick now, filled up, now that he knew Gatou had been in it. It made everything so much more unbearable.

“I can do that,” she said and her hand became a burning hot coal.

“As much as I would like to, I can’t keep holding your hand every minute of every day,” he didn’t want her to break her back over him, but he couldn’t move away, “Have you looked in the mirror lately. The effect I have on you.”

Shara shook her head and fiddled with her hair.

“I can’t fix you Maxem. Neither will the medicine, nor the drugs. Or even Gatou, no matter how much he wants it to. You have to take care of yourself.”

Maxem felt his whole body tense. From his toes all the way through his jaw. The bed creaked under the shift.

“What do you think I have been doing these past few years, bitch. Nothing fucking works.”

“Would you let me finish,” she didn’t seem fazed, “Dick.”

Quickly she shot a look at the door, where Gatou had disappeared through and lowered her voice.

“I think it was amazing you went out to confront that man and got confronted with your addiction,” she frowned for a moment, “Gatou disagrees, but I think it’s important what you did. That you know what happened and that you went out looking for ways to fix it.”

“Those drugs I took were what I was addicted to?” Maxem steered away from his insult.

Shara didn’t seem to want to follow up her words.

“Gatou should be the one telling you this. I don’t know how or what it was like before.”

“But he doesn’t want to fucking tell me,” Maxem tried to move but just closed his eyes again.

“He’s trying to protect you, he has lived through it,” Shara said and Maxem rolled his eyes, “But I agree, he should tell you what he is trying to protect you from.”

“Good luck telling him that. He’s as stubborn as a fucking ass,” Maxem brushed it away, but felt the unease tear a hole in his stomach.

Gatou was here.

“He wants to talk to you,” Shara said calmly, “It’s been too long.”

“Fuck no,” Maxem made it perfectly clear, “He can shove his own dick up his asshole.”

Silent Shara nodded and let go of his hand.

“Can we just go home, Shara, please?” Maxem tried to reach out for her hand again, “I don’t want to do this here, with him. We can go to bed, snuggle and sleep.”

With a sad smile Shara shook her head, “I can’t” she got up instead, “They are keeping me here for observation. The resident Libixian doctor will be in tomorrow.”

Maxem let his hand drop back on the sheet, “What did I do?”

“Honey, absolutely nothing,” she smiled but looked so tired, “I overextended myself. Trying to calm you down with all those chemicals inside you, wasn’t such a good idea.”

“I’m sorry,” Maxem told her, hoping she wouldn’t leave him, “I’m really sorry.”

“I know, it’s not your fault,” she said in vain, “But I need to go back to my own bed.”

She found stability at the doorframe and breathed before she smiled and waved goodbye. His eyes fell close and he wanted to cry, but he was too exhausted.


	34. Chapter 34

Sleep didn’t come. The fear that Gatou would walk in any second, prevented him from keeping his eyes shut for long. But the only person to visit him was the nurse, who made sure he ate and slept.

He woke up alone. The hospital was going full blast around him. Nurses tending to the man behind the curtain on his right, while on his left someone watched television.

They hadn’t removed his bounds and now he wanted lose. All the nurses seemed to say they would be with him in a second, but none of them would. Some surely would ask the doctor if it was possible, but nothing seemed to change.

He was growing increasingly frustrated and scared. If he wanted to, the guy from the Petstop could walk in and fill up his veins with drugs and abuse him. Nothing could stop him, certainly not Maxem, not like this.

At least he expected Vivienne to show her face, but even she stayed away from him

The nurse from yesterday showed up to feed him pills as assure him that they were under strict orders not to unbind him. Maxem cursed his scrawny ass all the way back to sunday school, but quieted down when the medication started having effect.

When Gatou showed up he wanted to turn around and hide his face in the pillows, he didn’t get very far.

“Hello,” Gatou said and stood awkwardly at the bedside, “You dyed your hair.”

“Where’s Shara?” Maxem asked and shivered.

“She’s sleeping,” Gatou put his hands in his pockets, “A floor up from here.”

Maxem tried to focus on the valuable information, but Gatou was here. He smelled like smoke.

“They told me you overdosed,” Gatou said, “At the Petshop,”

Maxem shook his head and opened his mouth just to close it again.

“Why did you go back there? Did you remember the drugs?” Gatou looked angry, “They only tell you lies and then they fuck you up.”

“I’m not talking to you,” Maxem started and clenched his sweaty hands, “About this tied to a fucking hospital bed.”

Instantly Gatou looked down and started freeing him. There were a few moments where their hands touched. It was over too fast and Maxem wanted it to last longer, but he pulled his hand back like burned. He untied his other hand himself.

“Can we talk now?” Gatou asked frustrated, “I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

Maxem ignored him as best he could and slipped off the bed, heading towards the hallway.

“Where are you going?” Gatou demanded and followed him.

Maxem wanted to answer but was struck by the overwhelming activity on the floor. People talking, passing by, children screaming and crying. The nausea in his stomach grew stronger and Gatou was so close, so present his heart might explode all over the floor. It was too much and he wanted to sink down, cry and make everyone disappear.

But if he could reach Shara, everything would be okay. He could survive this.

“Get back to bed, Maxem,” Gatou told him and looked worried, “I don’t think you should be up yet.”

“Why don’t you tell your girlfriend that, fucking pisshat,” Maxem spat and pushed himself away from the wall, “And leave me alone.”

Maxem turned himself away from Gatou’s furious face and went in search for the elevator.   
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Gatou grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him back, “I’ve been miserable in that house all by myself. I miss you. I want you.”

Maxem smacked his hands away and tightened his fists, ready to strike.

“Though luck asshole, because you don’t have a boyfriend either.”

This time Gatou didn’t follow him, which was for the best or Maxem would have been caught crying. Desperately he looked for Shara and wanted nothing more for her to stop his headache.

But like Gatou had said, she was asleep when he found her and holding her hand now proved useless.

So he cried at her bedside for what felt like hours. What if Gatou was telling the truth and there was no girlfriend. Then he single handedly destroyed all possible hope again. But with all the lies he told, could he ever trust Gatou after this? Nobody thought they should be together. Vivienne, Gatou’s mom, Sasake even gave them some sceptical looks from time to time. There was no hope for them, for him.

A doctor came in and kept her distance.

“Visiting hours are over,” she told him and kept her distance, “Please leave.”

Maxem showed his wristband just in case the pajamas weren’t a dead giveaway.

“I’m a resident,” he told her stubbornly.

“Please leave before I have you removed,” the doctor said again, her bright eyes piercing.

Meanwhile two nurses rolled in a cart full of supplies, they all gave him a weary look. Maxem flinched and pulled back when Shara touched his hand.

“Go back to bed, honey,” she smiled sleepily, “We’ll get out of here in the morning.”

He didn’t want to, but left the room anyhow. For a while he hung around, to see how long they would take. Too long it proved and he longed for a bed to crawl away in.

He met Vivienne in the elevator, who had been looking for him.

“You’re feeling stronger, I see?” she asked and led him back to the ward.

Maxem shrugged and spend all his energy in looking out for Gatou, but he was nowhere to be found.

“You were up with Shara?” Vivienne continued when he didn’t answer, “How is she? She was asleep last time I visited.”

Unresponsive he sat down on the bed and rubbed the inside of his arm. He wanted to see Gatou again.

“She’ll get a balancing treatment,” Vivienne explained, “To balance her, I suppose, I’m not sure how Libixian health care works.”   
“A doctor came for her and sent me away,” Maxem said and bit his lip, “Will we be discharged tomorrow? I want to go home.”

Vivienne sighed and nodded, “Gatou wanted to drive you two since I have to work, but he told me it wasn’t a good idea.”

“How fucking perceptive,” Maxem said bluntly but felt everything flare up in his chest, “He should stay the fuck away from me.”

Vivienne nodded, “I thought so,” she glanced off pensively, “Would you mind Sasake if would drive? Or do I have to take the day off?”

“By all means, why don’t you invite her over for fucking dinner too?” Maxem snapped and toyed with the restraints on the bed.

“You can do that,” Vivienne smiled, she wanted to touch him on the shoulder but thought better of it, “We’ll see eachother tomorrow then.”

She left Maxem in the room, alone, with these other men beside him. The nurse bound him to the bed again, saying he shouldn’t be free in the first place. It wasn’t that he didn’t mind, on the contrary, but the pills made him weak and drowsy.

They had no trouble pinning him down and redoing the restraints. 


	35. Chapter 35

The next morning they woke him for breakfast and more pills. Sasake was waiting patiently with clothes for him.

“How are you?” she asked carefully and took a step closer, “We can leave whenever you and Shara are ready.”  
Maxem didn’t look her in the eye while the nurse untied him, “Where is she?”

Fidgeting Sasake looked around, “She’ll be here in a moment.”

Impatiently Maxem threw the blankets off him and sat upright. There was no point in wasting time, they needed to leave now. But he grabbed hold of his arms while his body shivered.

Why was Sasake here to see this, he wanted her gone and the whole ordeal over with.

Sasake cast her eyes away, “Gatou said that-”

“Shut the fuck up about Gatou,” Maxem snapped and forced the words through a stutter.

His whole body was turning overdrive, with sweaty palms, twitchy jaw and all sounds moving in and out of focus. Thinking about Gatou only made everything worse.

Luckily Sasake had shut up and was holding out his clothes. She looked worried, she looked too much like Gatou.

The only thing he wanted was to lie back down and be held, by him. Instead he grabbed the clothes and left for the bathroom, putting them on as fast as he could.

Shara took her sweet time while they waited for her in the crowded hallway. While Sasake didn’t say or do anything, Maxem was growing ever more annoyed with her and everything around him.

Then they both came around the corner, Shara and Gatou. They could’ve been holding hands they were so close.

Inside his body started to panic, his breath quickened and he broke a sweat. While he wanted to take a step backwards and run away, his feet were nailed to the ground.

Everybody on the whole floor was staring at them now, a man coughed and he could have been laughing at him. A women pointed and whispered something in her partner's ear.   
Shara called out his name and motioned to Sasake who turned to ask if he was okay. Of course he wasn’t. It was a stupid question. But he could hardly admit to that.

They reached him before he could reply.

“Are you ready to go, honey,” she asked and tried to make some eye contact.

He was looking at Gatou who kept his distance.

“I’ll see you at home,” Sasake said to him and turned to go.   
“Honey bee?” Shara tugged his sleeve, “Something you want to say? Do you need a moment?”

Maxem pulled himself free.

“No,” he croaked and bit his jaw tight.

While they walked to the car, Shara didn’t seem convinced and had a renewed desire to grab his arm and touch him. He tried to deflect as much as possible without hitting her in the face. Causing a scene now would not look good in front of Gatou, even if he wasn’t here. He was too close and yet not close enough.

“You can put your stuff in the back,” Sasake said and stopped near a simple gray vehicle.

Shara complied while Maxem laid down on the back seat, leaving no room for her.

They must’ve shared a look. More stories to tell Gatou when they saw him next. They were all so close.

Perhaps Gatou wasn’t calling for Maxem every day, he wanted to hear Shara’s voice. How could he blame him, Shara was amazing. And story goes Libixians were even better to fuck.

Maxem tried to ignore their voices while they spoke lightly about anything but Gatou or Maxem. To the point that it was starting to get embarrassing. Not that he would say anything about it, it suited him just fine.

“Is he sleeping?” Sasake asked eventually.

Shara shook her head while she turned to look at him.

“He better not or he won’t be able to sleep at night.”

“Will you guys be safe?” Sasake asked, “They invaded your home once already.”

“Gatou wanted us to stay at his place, but I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“But you can always go to an hotel, right?” Sasake suggested, “To wait until some time has past?”

“It wouldn’t make a difference. It’s pointless to show we’re scared of them. It’ll only make them more eager. They didn’t do much when I called the ambulance at the Petshop, either. I don’t think they care either way.”

Sasake kept her eyes on the road for a little while, “I can take some time off, help around the house.”

“School’s that bad?” Shara joked and they laughed.

Maxem bit down on his lip. Of course school couldn’t be that bad that it could warrant spending time with him. There wasn’t anything on the planet so bad.

After they had parked the car and Shara unlocked the door, Maxem sped upstairs to hide under the blankets. He cried then, desperately. Now that the memory of his encounter with Gatou had caught up with him. All the stupid things he had said.

It was over now. Completely and utterly final.

Soon everyone would move away from him. Sasake first, going back to her brother, finish school, become happy.   
Shara would follow after. Finding someone actually fixable. After that Vivienne would admit defeat and admitted him to the mental institute. Where he belonged. Locked away. Forgotten.

That was the last time he saw Gatou’s face. There would never be another opportunity. The look on his face, his words, the way he smelled like smoke. He would forget eventually, they would make him forget.

Maxem squeezed his pillow tight, there was no fixing this. Gatou had tried and Maxem slapped him in the face. Maybe it was worth it.

Him having a girlfriend with Maxem on the side. If it meant that he’d get to stay near. But why would he, now he was rid of Maxem, The girlfriend didn’t have to share him with a nut case.   
The pain in his stomach didn’t end, it waved through him like high tide. Some moments he felt like he had to puke. Perhaps choking on his own spit wasn’t the most glamourous way to go, but it suited him.   
His whole body tensed when the door opened. Pretending to be asleep would be useless. They could hear him sniffling and whimpering like a child.

“Sasake is downstairs playing your racing game,” Shara said softly and sat down on the bed, “Why don’t you join her, show her how it’s done.”

Maxem kept his mouth shut to make sure his sniffle didn’t turn into a saltwater fest.

“It’s amazing that she has a driver's licence, she’s been crashing into other cars every lap,” Shara placed a hand on his shoulder.

After a flinch he jerked away, then she kept quiet. It would have been better if she left, start creating some distance. His death wouldn’t bother her as much. It wouldn’t bother Gatou at all now. Finally able to move on with his life.

He wanted to cry harder, but Shara was in the way.

“Won’t you let me ease the pain a bit?” she asked, “Come downstairs, take your mind off things. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“No! Fuck off! Get the fuck out! I don’t want to see your face right now!” he yelled into his pillow, “Leave me the fuck alone!”

Shara stayed silent, then got up and opened the door.

“I’ll be back in a little while.”

The door was left open now, so they could hear if he was trying to drown in his own tears. They would know everything.

So he stayed under the cover, salting the sheets.

In the evening there were no more tears left and Shara brought him some leftover food.

“Poor Sasake, she really wants to be there for you. Help you in any way,” Shara put down the bowl on the nightstand.   
Maxem ignored her.

“She’s torn with the two of you broken up like this. Sometimes it sounds like she blames herself.”

Shara continued and put up the pillow near the headboard to sit, “It sounds like she was there during a big deal of it too, if you still want to know what happened.”

In other words he should completely forget about Gatou altogether. He was never going to see him again.

It was enough to make the bile rise up in his throat again. Threatening to come out.

“She wasn’t much of a racer, but allegedly she kicked your butt at fighting games,” Shara held out her hand, “I’m going to touch you now. You need to take your medication and eat.”

He jerked when he felt her touch on his shoulder, but she kept her hand firmly in place this time.

“Oh honey,” she smiled pitifully, “Is this all because of Gatou?”

Maxem didn’t answer and tried to focus on the relaxation flowing through his body. He didn’t want these fake, manufactured feelings. It almost seemed like she pulled Gatou away from him even further, gave no respect to the way he was feeling. Like his feelings were something to be brushed away.

Of course he didn’t say anything and let her change him, mold him into the person he was suppose to be. Because right now it stopped the hurt.

“Why don’t you have some food?” Shara suggested and took a sip of water.   
There was no way he was going to get out of that one. He ate until she was satisfied, took his pills and laid his head down again.

“You just need some distraction,” she said and patted his back, “We can see a movie or go karting. Having a run in the park is also a great way to set your mind to blank.”

Maxem didn’t want to do any of that, she might have valid points and he didn’t feel horrible anymore, he should. There was a point to his pain, a validation. Gatou would never love him.

Shara sighed at his silence or perhaps at the rise in despair.

There was no fixing this. The sooner she and Vivienne would understand that, the faster anyone could just get on with their lives.


	36. Chapter 36

The following few days he did everything they wanted, besides talk. They all wanted him to, talk about the Petshop, the drugs, Gatou. Again they went about it several different ways. In the end Vivienne started treating him like a patient again, setting up a regime, messing with his medication.

Shara instead grew frustrated, sometimes she would not talk to him either. Maxem didn’t really feel bad for them. They all knew what the best solution was, they just thought they deserve it themselves.

At the group therapy people were also not having their week. Rainha was missing, the counselors didn’t give a reason why.

Alexey was crying about his ex-wife having another child. He was still mourning the death of his own, mourning his mistake. That his wife was moving on, with someone else was incomprehensible.  

“Let it go,” Maxem shrugged when he was asked for a thought, “She deserves to be happy. She doesn’t have to suffer because of your stupidity.”

“That’s a harsh way of putting it,” Serge said.

Maxem didn’t care anymore, he was on too much medication to care.

“It’s the truth. My eh, the guy dumped me. So he can be happy with his new girlfriend. It’s fine. It’s better this way. My psych still tries all these things, but they’ll too see it’s no use,” Maxem shrugged again, “They tried everything. Fried my brain, all this medication. But I fall into the same patterns even if I can’t remember a thing. If there’s a way for the people around you to let go, you should let them.”

At the end Caitlin held him back when he was trying to be the first one out.

“Have a seat,” she said while the other counselor held Shara at the door.

She pulled up a chair in front of him. Confrontational if that wasn’t already the case.

“How are you doing?” she asked after the door had close.   
She couldn’t seriously be expecting an answer.

“Your handler let us know it had been a heavy few week for you,” her eyes studied him but found nothing, “What do you think of the meetings so far?”

“I don’t know,” Maxem said stiffly and looked at the floor, “You’re not the only one who thinks I don’t belong here.”

“Why do you think that?” Caitlin asked and sat up a bit straighter.

Maxem shook his head and focused on a spot on the floor. Paint most likely, or white-out, or bleach. Sometimes he could still taste it.

“Have you spoken to Rainha outside of the meetings lately?” Caitlin asked and he only frowned, “Because she has made some serious allegations, about what happened after the last meeting.”

The spot was white in the most stereotypical splatter shape possible. It also was the only one, no similar or even unsimilar spots were ingrained in the floor. How cliche it sounded, but it was one of its kind.

“She accused you of sexually assaulting her in the bathroom,” Caitlin said gravely, “Is this true?”

Laughable was the only word for this situation. Him assaulting a girl. Was this really the best they could come up with.

His mouth was dry when he opened it.

“So I was correct about you not wanting me here,” he asked her monotone, “Would I be kicked out if I said yes?”

There was no surprise flickering across her face, “You will be asked to leave.”

“Then yes, I forcefully stuck my dick inside her asshole while holding her head down the toilet,” Maxem sneered, “It’s the only way I get off, being a lunatic and all.”

“I’d rather have the truth,” Caitlin said firmly, “Rainha lies. That’s what she does. I need to know the truth so I can help her in the right way.”

“Is that so,” Maxem spat, “No, of course she begged me, hopped on the counter and spread her legs. ‘I want you to fuck me hard’ she commanded, ‘Let me ride you like a wild stallion’.”

Suddenly the sickness in his stomach made its way upwards. These words were not part of a weird lie. Too late he pressed his shaking hand over his mouth.

Completely powerless. He obeyed the orders while the woman licked her lips and squealed in pleasure. He pushed for release, he had so many other things to do.

The woman called him back asking for more. To get what she paid for.

Vomit covered the white spot completely, Caitlin had jumped up, pulling out tissues meant for tears. Maxem wanted to push the memory away, but the woman in red had him firmly in her grasp. She demanded more.

Shivering he hung his head between his knees. It didn’t take long for Shara to rush in and save him.

“What happened?” she laid a hand on Maxems head and removed all the bad associations.

Maxem didn’t answer but wiped his hands and mouth with the tissues offered. Caitlin looked at the puddle of puke and waited for Amuni to panic and start cleaning.

The massive amount of relaxation flowing through him was wrong. It didn’t fit the situation. He should be crying in a corner around this time, threatening to kill everyone in the room.

With the memory floating around it was all the more disconcerting. To feel okay with the thought of fucking a woman, for money, voluntarily, with pleasure.

Takashi could be less of a liar than anyone gave him credit for. To have this confirmation, to remember pushing his cock in and out faster and harder. He didn’t do it only to please the woman.

“Let’s go,” Maxem grumbled and got out from underneath Shara’s touch.

Caitlin stopped them, “So is she lying? You didn’t actually do it?”

A short glance was all he could give her while all his feelings got turned upside down again.

“She’s lying,” he told her, dug his fists in his jacket and walked out the door.

Shara came running after him, “Tell me what all that was about.”  
There was no answer from him.   
“Maxem, what did she want? Did she do something?” Shara pulled him back but Maxem pulled away.

“I need to know if you’re okay,” she said and looked hurt.

It was one thing for the dumb counselor to be asking stupid questions, but Shara disappointed him. So he let her think about it for awhile. 


	37. Chapter 37

All of his silence was filled by them talking more. About him, Gatou, Sasake, therapy, the situation. This was all taking longer than they both had expected. Which was true, he had been at Vivienne's for too long. Unhealthy, even besides the fact that it was his psychiatrist.

It was important though, that they realised. He wasn’t going to get better than this. They would have to get on with their lives eventually and dump him.   
It was not like they would actually have him kill himself. Even the counselor seemed more worried about helping Rainha then him. She would be pleased if he stopped showing up completely. Dead in the gutter, back in the electrifying chair.

The memory triggered by his own lie still haunted him. It was too generic, too fabricated to be taken seriously. It wasn’t like he could remember any specifics. The woman's face or the room, the state of his being, the scars on his body. Just her cries for more, his urges and the colour of her dress. Hardly a figment of the past if not of his imagination.

With the Petshop out of the picture there was nobody able to clarify. Even if Gatou found himself willing, he might have not been there and his perception was coloured by Maxems former self. Confused and demented. Not a very reliable sort.

He made a couple of hundred rounds on a race course before he was distracted enough to open his mouth. Vivienne actually let water boil over when she stared at him in surprise. Maxem tried very hard to ignore any eyes on him by starting another race. Eyes fixed on the screen.   
“Records of previous sessions?” Vivienne turned down the stove and poured herself some water, “Do you mean recordings?”

“Anything,” Maxem almost choked.

Shara was staring at them both and he was making an effort to ignore her.

“Well I can see what I can dig up, but I’m not sure if you it would benefit you,” Vivienne walked over and watched him fall out of the curve, losing his position.

“What do you want to know specifically?” Vivienne asked curiously, “Maybe I can help.”

“No, nevermind, forget it,” Maxem bit down on his tongue.   
This was stupid and worthless. Why did he even ask. Vivienne waited, unsure if she should push him for it. She didn’t, which was a smart move as Maxem shut down the game and moved upstairs.

Asking her had been a huge mistake. Now they would go on about it during sessions or consider it a sign of improvement that he spoke at all.

All was hopeless. His past was gone, erased from his mind and even those vague memories were just side products of his medication. Something fabricated to fill in the blanks. He should be happy he couldn’t remember, it was better off not knowing.

When the door opened he pressed his eyes closed. Fooling Shara he was sleeping had yet to succeed. Right now she was the last person he wanted asking questions.

“More efforts to find out what happened?” she sat down on the bed and he could feel her hand above him, soon to strike down her judgement.

When it didn’t come, they both counted the seconds in silence.   
“What am I here for?” Shara asked and pushed her back against the headboard with a bang, “You clearly don’t care to see me in any situation. Even after months you don’t want me to work you.”

The truth was deafening. It only confirmed this thoughts with silent strikes.

“Do you want to go back to the institution? They won’t let you die, you know that,” Shara’s accusations pierced him like thin needles.

Of course it wasn’t what he wanted, but he might as well. He wasn’t going to change, couldn’t they see? Nothing was ever going to change.

From downstairs Vivienne called. Dinnertime. Shara waited for him to move, but whatever move he made there was no possibility of avoiding her eyes or accusing gaze.

It wasn’t the first time he held up dinner like this. Everytime Vivienne would wait until he would come down before eating. Food would be cooked dry or reheated in the microwave. Always his fault. If he waited long enough Vivienne would bring it upstairs, if it wasn’t bad already.

“I must’ve lost five kilos by now,” Shara complained as Vivienne called one more time.

“Then go away and fucking eat, leave me alone,” he wasn’t worth it, he wasn’t worth her care.

“Let’s go down together,” Shara sighed, “We’ll watch some series together after.”

“Get away from me, you fat cow. You already look like you’re eating for two. Why don’t you put it up to fucking practise.”

“Have it your way,” Shara said level, got up and walked out of the room.   
Maxem wished she had gotten angry, raised her voice or slammed the door. There was none of that. Now it was just him and his despair.

Not long after Vivienne came up and squatted near the bed.

“Shara left,” Vivienne stood up as Maxem turned his head away, “What happened?”

Stupid questions didn’t need answers. At least Vivienne wasn’t so dumb to wait for it this time.   
“Why don’t you take these,” she put a pill on the bedside table, “We’ll handle it in the morning.”

After Vivienne closed the door behind her Maxem took no time to swallow the pill. Sadly Vivienne wasn’t dumb enough to leave the bottle.

He wanted to die, sink away into the sheets and choke. Tumble away into a quantum improbability, Instead his mind dimmed and the hole within him grew.

His fingers felt thick and clumsy and everything looked too far away. Somewhere he wanted to hate this feeling or enjoy it, but it felt like nothing. He had absolutely no opinion about it or anything at all. So he waited until his body drifted off into sleep.


	38. Chapter 38

He woke to an empty, cold bed. She wasn’t here and she hadn’t been here. Eventhough he felt sick from hunger, he curled up and laid absolutely still.

There were sounds coming from downstairs, but he couldn’t determine who they belonged to. It couldn’t be her, she left. It wouldn’t be her footsteps or clatter. A soft murmur of a television show, running of a tap.

Yesterday's medication still lingered and he stared at the cupboard or hours. The grains simple and trivial. Carved practically and without passion. A job to be done.   
Eventually someone opened the door and though he knew for certain it wasn’t Shara, he held his breath.

“Eat something,” Vivienne told him and placed a tray with fruit and sweet buns on the nightstand.   
Maxem ate the pills and turned his back.

“Shara’s very upset, but she’ll come around in no time,” Vivienne opened the curtains, “I want you to eat the food, get dressed and meet me downstairs in ten minutes. We’re going out.”

Vivienne had to call him three more times before Maxem followed orders and pulled a hoodie over his head. It was too warm out, but at least he could stay hidden in the folds.   
He had no idea where they were going. Vivienne might have said something while they got in the car, but he probably missed it. Not that it mattered. They couldn’t expect anything from him, except disappointment.   
When they drove up the parking lot, he did recognize the place. Panic might have been in order, but this was exactly what he had been thinking. Just send him back to the loony bin, where he belonged. So when he got out of the car and dragged his feet behind him, he couldn’t make himself care.

Inside the smell struck him the most. It wasn’t nearly hospital, more of a dusty chemical scent that tried to cover up the lunatics in this place.

He had only been here a week, or better he only remembered a week. Still the scent was unmistakable.

Vivienne led them through a few ‘employees only’ doors before she stopped and watched the clock.

“I’m late,” Vivienne grimaced at him, “Jacek must’ve already left. Do you remember doctor Kosowski?”

Maxem didn’t and didn’t answer, he wanted to sit down, but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed.

“I’m going to give him a ring, see if he’s still available.”

Vivienne fiddled with her phone and stopped when a young nurse walked up to them.

“Vivienne? Doctor Kosowski told me you needed some assistance,” the guy gave Maxem a sideways glance, but turned to face the important person in the hallway.

“Yes, wonderful, your name is Bruno?” Vivienne pointed at the name tag, “Is he still available?”

“Not right now, but I can help you with whatever you need,” Bruno smiled pleasantly, “But can I ask you who you brought along?”

Maxem avoided the attention and the curious gaze. He took a step back.

“A former patient,” Vivienne said dismissively, “Doctor Kosowski took care of him a year back.”

“Before my time then,” Bruno put his hand out, “I hope you’re just visiting.”

Maxem looked at Vivienne and kept his hand tucked in.

“We are, but since I need access to your archives, a place for Maxem to sit would be appreciated,” Vivienne replied tight lipped and on edge.

Realisation washed over Bruno’s face before he pushed it into a courtesy smile, “Of course, we have a waiting room for this. If you would follow me there?”

“I meant somewhere supervised,” Vivienne said sternly, “Didn’t Jacek inform you at all?”

“He didn’t have the time,” Bruno kept his calm but was slightly put off.

“Alright, he can stay in the common area. Did you go through the security check?”

“We did. Nobody is available? I’d rather not disturb the other patients,” Vivienne tried in vain.

Bruno shook his head, “We’re swamped. Please follow me.”

Maxem started to recognise the halls more, the closer they came to their destination. Linoleum on the floor for easy cleaning, dull tube lightning and every nook had a camera. It had been a better day when he walked out of here.

The nurse laid down a stack of rules and orders which he surely had heard before.   
Before they left Vivienne grabbed him by the arm, “Don’t get comfortable here, I’ll come and pick you up as soon as possible. Call me at any moment, okay?”

Maxem pulled his arm away and felt the hard plastic casing of his phone that Vivienne slipped him. Phones were forbidden on the floor. Without another word Maxem sat down at one of the tables near a window.

“Okay,” Vivienne sighed and turned away.

They both left him there. Maxem laid his head down and tried his hardest to zone out everything and everyone around. People might recognise him or talk to him. It was inevitable with this many crazy people around.

He couldn’t remember much from the week he spend here. Gatou was with him, he’d rather forget.

It was too loud around him, the room was full of people shuffling, mumbling, watching tv. He couldn’t focus. No matter what kind of race he was trying to complete in his head Gatou would intervene.   
The mobile phone was burning in his hand now. Unmistakably present. What would Gatou say if he would call him now? Shara had run away and Vivienne left him here out of desperation. Would he come save him or laugh and hang up? There was no contest.

So instead of crying he turned more to the corner, under the table and booted any game that could make him focus.

Three games in someone took a seat in front of him. It was useless but he tried to ignore the guy as long as possible.

“Hey,” the guy leaned over the table, “Hey!”

“Fuck off,” Maxem snapped not making eye contact.

“I know what you’re doing,” the guy continued and ran around the table to sit next to him, “You have a phone.”

“Shut the fuck up and get the hell away from me,” Maxem inched more to the wall, pushing the device in his pocket, “Respect my personal space, asshole.”

“Okay, okay,” the guy held up hands, “Calm down, don’t make me call the nurse.”

Of course he would and of course it didn’t matter that Maxem was not a patient here. He might as well be one. They wouldn’t believe the lies that he didn’t belong here. Solitary confinement didn’t sound so bad if it meant getting away for that creep.

“Do you have reception? You’re putting us all in danger,” the guy looked up at him accusingly, “They told me I was safe here, what a load of crap.”

“It’s just a phone,” Maxem glared at the guy, “And nobody is interested in whatever the fuck you’re doing. Laying puzzles or fingerpainting aren’t exactly of national importance.”

Greasy hair framed his face and scabs were scattered around his mouth and fingers. The guy didn’t look fazed nor focused.

“You’re like the rest of them. Ignorant assholes all of you,” the guy pushed himself closer, “I don’t care about the lot of you, but you’re not dragging me down with you.”

His thin ratty fingers reached for Maxems sweater and there was no place to evade. In a panic Maxem jumped up and kicked the guy back in the process, making a ruckus.

Everyone looked at them. A boy started to cry and two nurses came rushing in.

“Break it up,” a woman pulled the guy up and put him on a chair, “Sit down, you too mister.”

Maxem didn’t want to sit down, his skin was crawling.  
“Mister, sit down,” the woman was more firm now, “Explain to me what happened.”

“Just take him away, he’s a danger to us all!” the guy wobbled on his chair, “He has a phone.”

“Justin, calm down. Phones are forbidden, he doesn’t-” she saw the phone on the floor, “We’ll take care of this, go play chess.”  
“Fuck chess” Justin yelled getting up, “Phones record, transmit, trace. A danger to society. It’ll poison the place.”

“Last time, Justin. Walk away or we’ll take you to your room,” the nurse turned to Maxem, “And you. Sit down, right now. Last warning.”

Maxem pushed himself into the chair and quickly picked up the phone, keeping it clasped in his hand. Justing walked away, keeping a close eye on them from across the room.

“Rules are rules. Hand over the phone,” she held her hand open, “You’ll get it back when you leave.”

“Fuck no, I’m not bothering anyone,” he tried to keep his stutter at bay, “Leave me the fuck alone.”

“I knew it,” Justin yelled and kicked the box of chess pieces away as he rushed over, “It’s the prince. Who’s right about it now, huh? Those phones melt your fucking brain. Do you have internet access?”

The guy went on and on while the nurse tried to constrain him. With the focus shifted, Maxem wanted to escape as fast as possible. No need looking around, all doors were locked.

Instead he held up the blasted thing and tried to dial Vivienne’s number with sweaty fingers. With a sloppy swipe Justin knocked it out of his hands. With a large arc it flew across the room, slapping on the linoleum.

“Don’t touch it, it’s mine,” Justin yelled but was held firmly in place by the nurse.

“Stay right where you are,” she told Maxem and pulled the guy along.

More nurses started to usher them out of the common area, one of them took his phone and didn’t give back.

What had Vivienne been thinking? That shit like this wouldn’t happen? That he wouldn’t screw up one way or another? Now he would be stuck here, it had been inevitable.

Maxem laid his head back on the table and tried to cover it, blocking out all vision and sound. He tried racing circles in head, but every shadow made him flinch.

It wouldn’t take long before they would drag him off. Tie him to a bed. A danger to society, better let him rot away in some corner of the institute.

There were footsteps coming up behind him and he tried to make himself invisible.   
“Maxem,” Vivienne knelt down beside him, “Let’s go.”

Somewhere he couldn’t believe it was true, that leaving was a possibility. He wasn’t any better than the madman that destroyed his phone. Or the boy still sniffling in the corner.

Vivienne touched him so he got up, keeping his eyes on the ground to avoid all the dirty glances from the nurses and patients.

It didn’t take long before they sat down in the car, on their way home. Vivienne was talking, keeping the car filled with words without meaning. Maxem couldn’t stop listening to the voices in his head, overpowering everything else. Eventually even Vivienne fell silent and left him alone in bed to wallow in misery. 


	39. Chapter 39

Shara hadn’t returned the next day so there was no reason to get out of bed. Next to that Vivienne called in Sasake to babysit, more the reason to stay in. It made no sense that she was here. In any situation she was more likely to make things worse.

When she opened the door, she didn’t dare to come in. Instead she quietly called out his name. Either she was easier to fool or didn’t want to bother with him. It didn’t matter. What mattered was that she left. Even if she was bound to return eventually.   
The second time she was more forceful.

“Eat,” she told him and walked around the bed to place the tray, “Come on, wake up, you have to eat something.”

She didn’t touch him. It would only bring trouble, she knew that.

“Maxem, come on,” she looked around for a chair, but there weren’t any, “The world hasn’t ended yet.”

It wasn’t very funny. He opened his eyes anyways and grabbed his pills. She looked worried, pitiful. Though the food smelled pretty good, he turned around and pulled the blanket over his head.

“Okay,” Sasake said disappointed, “Well Vivienne asked me to come for a reason. She said you had some questions about what happened before.”

She waited a bit, but she couldn’t expect an answer for a question she didn’t ask.

“She managed to get a few recordings of you therapy, but she’ll show you those herself.”

She walked to the other side of the bed, “So, I’ll tell you about how you were before. Before all of it, or most of it at least.”

Carefully she stroked the sheets but didn’t sit down.

“So unless you protest, I’m just going to keep talking,” she stopped there.

Maxem tried to fall asleep again, but the muscle spasms in his body made it impossible.

“It’s kind of funny actually, how we met. You had broken into our house, making pancakes in the kitchen. Telling me you were a friend of my brother, you didn’t even know I had one. You were all sass and charm. I didn’t know you were using at the time.”

Again she paused. Maxem wouldn’t know how to give some kind of input even if he wanted to.

“Gatou was sceptical, I mean you were running from the police. I don’t know when he realised that you were like the son of-” she swallowed the words and laughed nervously at the notion of him being anything other than infamous, “I sure didn’t, at the time. But I had taken a liking to you, so I would not have you kicked out of the house. We kept you hidden from our mom. She only found out after. You must’ve stayed a week at most. Sneaking between our rooms. Making breakfast mean more than a bowl of cereal. Showing us proper movies. Listened to Gatou’s violin. It must’ve been around then that you got a thing for Gatou.”

Nothing from her story sounded familiar. He didn’t even know Gatou played, or that Sasake had crushed on him. The way she described it was like a modern fairy tale. A dream, a wishful fantasy. Nothing more.

There wasn’t anything he could do to make her stop. His hands were clammy and cramped. Breathing shallow and dry.

It was Sasake. Anything that came out of him mouth would drive anyone away. Especially Sasake, who pitied him so. He couldn’t hurt her feelings as well.

“You didn’t look sick, smiling and joking around. But I didn’t see it, you didn’t let me,” Sasake continued, “Gatou once said that there was definitely something going on with you during that time. I don’t know if that was true, but you looked happy, excitable, passionate.”

Protesting was useless. She clearly never met him when he was manic. Or rather she most definitely had and she didn’t realise it.

Not that there was anything to compare it to for her. Gatou had kept him far away from her when he was all sparkles and sunshine. He probably would have tried to fuck her, strange it didn’t happen before. Or Sasake wasn’t telling the whole story.

“When I met you after that you had been hospitalised by your mother and contracted by the Petshop,” Sasake sounded sad, “I always wondered what would have happened if you stayed at our house. How different it might’ve turned out.”  
Poor naive Sasake, so clouded by romanticized version of him and the past. It wasn’t hard to figure out what would’ve happened. The same thing that happened to those policemen. He killed them.

“Did you fall asleep?” Sasake suddenly laughed, “I’ve been talking to myself all this time, haven’t I?”

She sighed and stayed very still. Admit or deny? Did he even want her to stay? His tongue was too dry and nothing came out.

“Try to eat something, please,” Sasake said clearly moving away from him, “I’ll be downstairs, come down to say hi if you’re up for it.”

She closed the door behind her. He wanted to throw the blankets off for some fresh air but didn’t, just in case she was still there. It could all be a disgusting trick to lure him out.   
Downstairs felt like it was a quarantine zone now. Polluted by her presence. Only the blanket offered him any kind of protection, but the ache in his body grew heavy and unbearable.

When he finally stretched it didn’t give him relief. Usually Shara would force him out of bed, out of the house, into a jog. Normal people went on jogs. He wasn’t normal.

Eventually the ache dulled and his senses went numb. The touch of fabric, the muffled air, the emptiness in his stomach seemed far away and unimportant.

He was aware that Sasake came into the room again, but he couldn’t be bothered to move or care.

It crossed his mind that Vivienne might have changed something in his medication. But it didn’t matter, really, it was all the same in the long run.

“You hardly moved,” Sasake whispered but he couldn’t make out if she was concerned or merely stating a fact.

“I remembered something else,” she started, “About when you stayed with us that first week. One afternoon late in that week we were watching some kids cartoon. I don’t remember what Gatou was doing. But you knew the show by heart, every line, every gasp and funny voice. It was hilarious. And in the midst of that you started braiding my hair, a proper one. Tight and neat. I still had long hair at the time. Gatou almost looked jealous when he walked in on that.”

Nothing in his mind told him that it actually happened. However he did remember braiding his own sisters hair. Every single morning, whatever she requested. Made his brothers breakfast, brought them to school, sports clubs, music lessons, made sure they brushed their teeth.

He hadn’t thought about them in a very long time.

“Well that’s all,” Sasake said and he couldn’t place the tone of her voice, “Vivienne will be home soon and I kinda feel the need to check if you’re still alive under there.”

Footsteps closed in. Maxem wasn’t sure about her intentions, so he kept quiet.

When she slowly lifted the duvet, he looked into her eyes.

“Won’t you please eat something,” Sasake said and her eyes started to water, “I don’t want Vivienne to scold me.”  
Food didn’t sound particularly good right now, but he had nothing against it. Sasake took a step back when he pushed himself up.

The food was still on the tray next to him. There was no taste to it though and perhaps it was dry and cold. He just did what he was told. When his stomach started to protest, he stopped.

“I’m glad to finally see your face,” Sasake walked up to him again and sat down on the bed, “And that I wasn’t talking to the wall. Did anything sound familiar?”

Maxem gulped down all the water that didn’t fix his dry mouth.

“I remember braiding my sister’s hair, but I didn’t forget those things,” sitting upright was exhausting so he laid down again.

“Would you tell me about your siblings?” Sasake looked down at him.   
That was too much to ask.

“No,” he said and closed his eyes for a moment.

Everything in his body was heavy and all sounds were bleak and useless.

“Do you want to hear some horrible childhood stories of me and Gatou?” Sasake asked and rubbed the edge of the bed.

“No,” Maxem replied.

He didn’t want to hear or do anything at all specifically. Even sleep felt tiresome, but it passed the time.

Sasake sat still for a little while and that was absolutely fine by him. Anything was fine really, as long as her face wasn’t changing so much so fast. Eventually she picked up the tray and moved to the door.

“Come down, we can play some games.”

Before he could react she was gone. There wasn’t any reason why he shouldn’t, next to that it hadn’t sound like a suggestion either.

The way down was more of a challenge then he like it to be. Things shifted in and out of focus, steps were a lot further down then he had expected. At the bottom he had stopped with his eyes closed. There was too much light and things and stuff in the room.

“Are you all right?” Sasake asked and her voice moved all around him, “Go sit down, I’ll bring you some water.”

Carefully he sat down on the stairs. Breathing slowly into his hands.

“I meant the couch,” Sasake said and pressed a glass of water in his hands, “Is this every day? This heavy?”

Water felt dry on his tongue and he didn’t know why he was drinking it. But he opened his eyes and got up.

“Vivienne gave me new meds,” he answered as he got up.

In one blurry motion he turned on the console, grabbed the controller and sat down on the couch.

Perhaps he could have been proud of himself, but he wasn’t

“Can i do something for you?” Sasake asked and didn’t sit down, “Get you anything?”

“Let’s play,” Maxem held up the controller and selected a course, a car and parameters on automated pilot.


	40. Chapter 40

After a few games of crashing and swerving down the tracks Vivienne came home. Sasake moved immediately. They talked, Maxem didn’t follow.   
The game wouldn’t continue without it’s second player, which was fine. Closing his eyes was fine.

“You got out of bed,” Vivienne remarked and brought the smell of food with her.   
Nondescript, generic food.   
“What did you give me?” Maxem asked almost as a formality. He wasn’t angry, annoyed or curious. Like it even mattered what it was.

“Yes, I expected it's a bit much,” Vivienne placed a hand on his forehead, then neck, “How are you feeling?”

After a short delay, his whole body shivered from the touch. But he couldn’t call it a bad feeling so he shrugged.

“Did Sasake tell you about how you met?” Vivienne kept being too close, “Did it trigger any memories?”

Maxem pressed his teeth together for a moment, “I remembered my siblings, but I had never forgotten.”

“Nothing else?” Vivienne moved away but it didn’t improve anything

The answer he was looking for eluded Maxem. Even the question was a foreign object in his head.   
“Very well,” Vivienne stood up, “Join us for dinner.”

There was no point in objecting, it was easier to do what he was told. At the dinner table Sasake tried to keep the conversation going, but it was too hard to follow. The food was drab, the colours were drab and all the sound conjoined into one big humm around him. Nothing could keep his focus.

She left not long after. Waving goodbye, never daring to give him a hug.

On Vivienne’s orders he filled the dishwasher, piece by piece. Quickly he was called to a halt when he dropped multiple glasses. Instead of sending him to bed, Vivienne invited him to his office. More talking, his mouth was already so dry.

“Shara has been gone for a few days now, tell me what happened,” Vivienne stared at him and interlaced her fingers.

It was hard thinking about what exactly had been said, or why, it didn’t matter now.

But Vivienne hadn’t asked a question.

“I called her fat,” Maxem said and propped up his head to keep upright.

“You insulted her,” Vivienne rephrased, “Why?”

At that Maxem shrugged. It had been done, he couldn’t change it, she was gone forever.

“Before the hospitalisation, you had seemed to have become quite comfortable around her,” Vivienne had opened the tablet and had started scrolling through a long file, “What changed?”

Honestly he didn’t know nor remembered. There was no worth in any events of that day. Gatou had been there, but Gatou didn’t want him. There was nothing left to say.

“Was it Gatou?” Vivienne asked, “What did he say to you?”

Nothing of interest. Maxem tried to focus on the words, “That I had gone back to the Petshop on purpose, to get high, because I remembered the drugs.”

“And did you?” Vivienne wrote everything down.

“Did I what?” Maxem forced the words over his tongue and swallowed hard.   
“Remember the drugs?” Vivienne clarified and looked up at him.

Shaking his head had not been a good idea so he held on tight to the armrests.

“I remembered something,” Maxem couldn’t crystallize the image, “The man, my face…”

He shook his head again and breathed out heavily.

“Which was why you asked for recordings about how you were,” Vivienne concluded, “Did he confirm your memory?”

Again images of that man's fingers and husky voice in his ear flashed around him. Though this time they didn’t bring large waves of anxiety with them, so he shrugged again.

“I guess.”

“Do you remember anything else?” Vivienne scribbled along.   
“At the group therapy I puked,” Maxem could still taste the bile linger in the back of his throat, “I remembered fucking a woman.”

“A hard thing to remember,” Vivienne assumed, “Did being around Shara, or her touching you make the memory worse?”  
For a moment Maxem just swallowed a couple of times, waiting for the food to go back down.   
“The memory was fine, I recall it being fun for me at the time.”

Maxem could see himself pressing harder and faster into her. That couldn’t be actions of a guy who was forced into it. Voluntary, the man had said. They had made love, the man had said.

“So, insulting Shara had nothing to do with the triggered memory?” Vivienne asked.

Maxem had to take a moment again to think about it. To focus his thoughts out of the thick sludge onto the cold, metal table. In fact he didn’t know the answer.

Fucking that woman didn’t trigger anything right now. It just was. Shara was gone because he insulted her, but he didn’t think it bad. Logical, if nothing else.   
“Maxem?” Vivienne repeated and had laid her pen down.   
“Yeah,” Maxem mumbled and then realised that she had asked a question, “No, probably, I can’t tell. What did you want to know?”

He rubbed his face intensely and stars fluttered before his eyes.

“That’s all right, I brought you some water,” Vivienne suddenly appeared behind him and placed a plastic cup on the table.

Maxem hadn’t realised she had left.

“We had a little trip to the institute yesterday,” Vivienne set up her computer for viewing, “I brought some recordings with me. Do you feel up to watching them now?”

Clumsily Maxem waved, it didn’t matter to him. Watching tv would be just as stimulating.   
“All right, if you feel bad, tell me and I’ll stop the playback,” Vivienne didn’t watch the screen.

She didn’t have to, she hadn’t forgotten.   
He had thought it would be strange to see himself recorded, but it wasn’t really. Though it was entirely unhelpful. Maxem had no idea where he wanted to go with this.

The two figures on the screen were hardly holding a conversation. At one point tv-Maxem became angry, throwing harsh wild accusations around based on absolutely nothing.

Watching the screen hurt his eyes so he closed them. The audio filled the room.

“Is it too much?” Vivienne asked and made the sound stop, “Shall I leave it for another day?”

His shoulders barely reached a shrug.

“What are your thoughts on seeing yourself back like that?” Vivienne turned the screen back.

“Makes sense I guess,” Maxem said and searched for the cup with sweaty hands, “That I was there. Makes less sense that I’m not there now.”  
Vivienne raised her eyebrows and the expression meant something that Maxem couldn’t parse before it was gone.

“What makes you say that?” she asked when she was done writing.   
“I don’t know,” Maxem pushed his hands in his hair, “I don’t see the point of being outside while it’s probably best for everyone, for me, if I was back there.”

The silence stretched for a long while, to a point where Maxem looked up to see if Vivienne was still there. She was, she never left. For Maxem a whole day could have passed.

“All right, perhaps you should go to bed,” Vivienne shook her head, “I’ll bring you your medication, go upstairs.”

Orders Maxem had no problems with, if going upstairs was as simple as it sounded. Instead the steps were deceivingly thin and slippery.

Once he reached the bed, lying down didn’t feel as good as he had thought it would. Still, it didn’t matter, orders were orders.

The last one he received for the day was to go to sleep. At least it was easily fulfilled.


	41. Chapter 41

At the breakfast table his head was pounding. Vivienne was around him, pacing, making phone calls and throwing papers around. Whatever it was, Maxem didn’t care.   
Outside was still a gray and rainy day. Inside not much better. Unable to finish he took his cereal to the couch, no use turning it the tv on. His headache would thank him for it.  
He clenched the spoon in his fist, visualizing that gorging out his eyes might actually take the pain away. Instead he missed Shara even harder. That she up and left was one thing, but it pained him that she didn’t return.   
Every passing day was a confirmation that he was not worthy of her nor Gatou and he would be better off dead.   
Thinking of Shara made him pick up Vivienne’s conversation. The words dulled as she moved from the kitchen into the study, but she was definitely talking to her, speaking her name. The sole reason being that Vivienne moved to her office because she didn’t want Maxem to hear.

They were keeping her from him on purpose, or more likely, Shara didn’t want anything to do with him ever again. Avoiding him at all costs. The least thing he could do was apologize, say he didn’t mean it, he’ll better himself if he could just hold her hand one last time.

No medication he swallowed could ever compare to that feeling. He should be doing everything in his power to bring her back.

But he stayed on the couch, like frozen, while the bowl slipped down from his fingers.

Vivienne had heard and showed her face around the door.

“Again?” she asked and put the phone down on the kitchen table, “Clean that mess up, Maxem, next time you’ll eat all your meals in the kitchen.”  
Maxem stared at the door Vivienne had disappeared behind, but more importantly, at the phone, forgotten. Carefully he picked up the bowl and walked to the kitchen.   
Vivienne was typing away at her desk. He let the water run, picked up a towel to soak up the mess but stared down the device.

Shara was one button away. Only one touch was required to feel sane and normal again. It was right there, within reach. One lousy phone call, that was all there was to it.

A breath got stuck inside his throat and he felt unable to walk away. He wrung the towel to a crumpled mush and glanced at Vivienne one more time.   
The woman had more important things on her mind than watching over her mentally disabled in-house patient.

Maxem turned his back to his doctor, picked up the phone and press the call button. It re-dialed the number and after she picked up he needed to remember to breath, not puke.

He was so set on hearing Shara’s voice that he didn’t comprehend until the second hello. Then he understood perfectly well as Gatou stumbled around on the other end of the line.

“She’s with you?” Maxems asked once but didn’t need an answer.

Gatou called out his name, but Maxem clenched the phone and with a loud roar smashed the thing on the ground. The screen cracked, the connection lost. His voice never stopped screaming as he flung chairs against the wall, flipping the table, kicking holes in the cupboard doors.

Vivienne couldn’t escape his wrath, not even her raised arms could help. Maxem was already certain of the questions.

“Did you know about this?”

No answer came, only pleads for Maxem to stop. They had all lied to him, every single last one of them.

It wouldn’t have mattered what she said, Maxem would have punched her on the jaw nonetheless. Punched again and again and pushed her roughly to the wall so that she sagged down unconsciously.

The rage didn’t die down at the sight of Vivienne’s limp body, he needed to leave. The door slammed shut behind him as he ran into the streets. Never stopping.


	42. Chapter 42

Light was flickering on the horizon, dawn was breaking. Dead tired Maxem kept on walking, ignoring cars speeding by him. Sometimes one would honk, but the blast of sound didn’t last. If he really wanted to annoy them he could throw his body past the line, but it was futile and pointless. Walking step by step seemed to be the only thing he was capable of.

For the last 20 hours Gatou’s voice had been playing in his head over and over again. There was nothing he could add in protest that wouldn’t make it worse. And it was already so terrible. The voice on the phone had been so unmistakably his, there was no room for doubt or hope. As if the end of their relationship could ever be more final. The end of his life and existence.

Maxem didn’t pause or look around when a car pulled up behind him. It had nothing to do with him.

“Sir, I kindly ask that you stop walking and step to the side of the road,” a man commanded and footsteps jogged up to him, “You are walking on a motorway and you are endangering the life of yourself and others.”

The policeman walked beside him a few paces, but Maxem didn’t stop.

“Sir, listen to me. Sir!” the man grabbed him by the shoulder.

Instantly Maxem spun around and knocked the guy on the face. There were no words right now. He was too tired.

“Jerrico!” the police woman hurried to help her colleague before turning to Maxem, “Stop, you’re under arrest for assaulting a police officer and disrupting public safety.”

She seemed as unthreatening as her partner so Maxem turned and kept on moving. Sadly she didn’t take no for an answer, tackled him and pulled his arms behind his back.   
“Totally caught me by surprise,” Jerrico excused and helped the woman pull him up and drag him towards the car.   
“He can sit on it overnight at the station,” the woman mused, “That should sort his head.”

Sitting still in the car and afterwards in the cell did quite the opposite. In his head thoughts, voices and face were swarming together in a storm.   
In the hospital Shara and Gatou had come down together looking smug and stinking of sex. They had been together all this time, meeting at the house Maxem had lived in. Sleeping in the bed Maxem had slept in.

It made sense now. This elaborate trick. How every word, every touch was orchestrated to make Maxem care and emotional. If only to break his pathetic heart all over again.

In the meantime someone finally recognised him, even though he had done such a good job at staying silent. At least it meant they stopped asking questions.

Before long Vivienne would arrive and start preaching. Any minute now the cell door would open, followed by a direct trip to the asylum. A one way trip this time.

But the tension stewed inside him for hours and nobody came. Prison was good a place as any. It didn’t make a difference to him.

The first time the door opened a policeman brought some food.He would be more prepared for next time so he kept staring at the door. Forcing himself not to react to anything Vivienne might do or say.

When the door opened a second time Gatou’s appearance made him hold his breath.

“Holy shit, Maxem,” he rushed in and threw himself at his knees, “Let’s get you out of here.”

Rage flared inside him, but he was too tired to act. Inaction was the only protest he could give.

At the door stood Shara and Vivienne waiting. Her face was bruised and her glasses crooked.

“Come on get up, we can’t stay here,” Gatou sounded worried.

His eyes were searching for Maxems or some kind of recognition. Impatient and hopeless he looked behind him for help and turned back to Maxem.

The touch came as a surprise. Two big hands engulfed him and fingers slid through his hair. With a sharp intake Maxem gripped Gatou’s wrists firmly. All hair stood on end and acid crept its way up. The hands didn’t budge.

Gatou hushed gently, “Relax, relax. I’m not going to hurt you, or touch you anywhere else but please listen.”   
Maxem found it very hard to listen with two hands clamped around his head. It made every alarm bell in his head go off. But Gatou got what he wanted and their eyes made contact.

Their endless darkness entranced him, making it difficult to swallow and his heart ache burn.

For a moment he remembered their first meeting. Him playful, flirtatious and high on something. Gatou distrustful but intrigued. A game of cat and mouse.

Then Gatou decided to make it worse.

“Listen, Maxem, I love you. I know…” he stopped talking when Maxem started crying, squeezing Gatou’s wrists to mush.

“Why did you do this to me,” Maxem stuttered softly, “I can’t do this, I can’t.”

“You can,” Gatou pushed through and embraced him tightly, “We can.”

Maxem cried heavily on his shoulder for several minutes, gripping onto Gatou’s shirt and twisting it to a crumpled piece of paper.   
They shared the backseat of the car where he got his meds and fell asleep never letting go.


	43. Chapter 43

His brain flooded with anxiety when he woke which didn’t really disappear when the nightmare faded away. Before him the bed was empty, behind him was the warm presence of a body, snoring.   
Gatou looked like he could use the sleep. Pasty skin, dark circles, stank of smoke. Maxem closed his eyes as the doubt overwhelmed him. All this attitude and hard work just to go right back where he started. Only to disappoint once again.

The memory, slightly reflected by the story Sasake had told him, pulled at him. He wanted it to be true. That that was how they really felt about each other.

Then there was Shara. She wasn’t here, but she had been at the police station. While she didn’t put up with his abuse, rightfully so, she abandoned him for days. What kind of handler does that?

A kind that didn’t want to bother with him, a hopeless cause. Sacrificing herself without getting a thing in return.

All that appeasing, hand holding, the way she stroked his hair. How patient she had been, how ruthlessly she showed him the truth and made him better for it.

It didn’t matter.

Shara was with Gatou, she had been staying there for all this time. Lying in Gatou’s bed, touching his skin, kissing his lips. Could he smell her perfume off him?

Gatou woke when he moved in too close and sleepily pulled him in.

“Hell I missed you,” Gatou pushed his nose in Maxems hair, “Vivienne wouldn’t let me come within fifty feet of this house.”

Maxem relaxed within the familiar embrace for a moment but knew the truth. This wasn’t meant to be, he wasn’t good enough, he was still broken.

“Where’s Shara?” he asked and used the question to push himself away.

“Probably still asleep on the couch downstairs,” Gatou tried to open his own eyes, “Maybe they’re making coffee, I sure could use a cup.”

Instead of responding, Maxem escaped the gentle hug and got on his feet.

“I’m going to take a shower.”

Gatou didn’t manage to say anything before he was gone. He also didn’t actually take a shower. Instead he sat in the bathtub with the water running, waiting for it to be filled. Moving was not an option, never mind washing.

Seeing Gatou again, touching him felt like a twisted dream. In his bed nonetheless, acting like nothing was wrong. This reunion wouldn’t fix anything. Least of all him.

After what probably was a too long time, someone knocked on the door and came in.

“You’re still in here?” Gatou asked and shuffled around, “I brought you a change of clothes.”

Maxem looked at the figure behind the curtain and pulled the plug from the drain. They were getting impatient with him.

“Also your meds,” Gatou rattled the cup.

Maxem covered his body as much as he could, making himself small. Under no circumstance did he want Gatou to see his naked body, not now after all this mess. He certainly didn’t want to give him any ideas.

“Maxem,” Gatou sighed and touched the shower curtain.

Slightly his fingers slid over the plastic while they both stayed absolutely quiet. For a moment Maxem thought he was going to open the curtain, but Gatou didn’t move.

“I’ll tell you everything, if you want me to,” Gatou didn’t sound sure, “This whole thing, this whole mess, it has blown so much out of proportion.”

Maxem looked at his toes. Gatou never apologized and Maxem wasn’t sure if this was it.

“I’m no good with words, you know that, painfully obvious now,” Gatou snorted, his hair rustled against the curtain, “I have missed you so much. I don’t care if I need to chop off my dick if it meant you’d stay.”

A bad analogy, perhaps to prove his point.   
“Will you come down soon?” Gatou asked and got up with an uncomfortable cough, “I’ll leave everything here for you.”

He closed the bathroom door behind him. Something Shara never did. When he was certain the coast was clear, he slid out the tub and dried himself in record speed. The pills were as colourful as ever, he wondered if they’d keep him as docile as a puppy again.   
He did attack Vivienne, his straining hand was a constant reminder. Beating in on her face again and again. Good enough reason to lock him up forever. Easy way to escape from Gatou and Shara.

Another reason not to go down but crawl up under the blanket and sleep the day away.

Voices from downstairs were pleasant and amiable. Normal morning for normal people. His presence would ruin it all.   
He hovered on top of the stairs, trying to ignore the chemicals boiling inside him. If he could, he would stand there forever but the way it seemed there were only two options. Going down or falling down.

Either way he couldn’t face them. He wasn’t good enough for Gatou, Shara hated him, Vivienne would have her reasons blotched over her face.   
There was no way that he could go down those stairs and meet that confrontation. Every muscle was telling him to run and hide and never wake up again.

Falling down those stairs would send him to the hospital, a comparable option if it meant not looking into their eyes.

His hand slid from the railing and he pressed his eyes shut.

“Maxem,” Gatou rushed up the steps.   
Maxem gripped the railing firmly and tried to breathe.

“Do you want to go to bed instead?” Gatou asked and stood close when he reached the top, “You don’t have to come down.”

No, going downstairs was not something he wanted. So he followed Gatou back into bed.

“Were you standing there for a long time?” Gatou asked while Maxem rolled himself into the sheets, “We were wondering what was keeping you.”

“Don’t worry, this house is very suicide proof,” Maxem mumbled and finally covered his face.

“Fuck, Maxem,” Gatou sighed and joined him on the bed, “What can I do to make this right?”   
A preposterous question for sure. Like they were all blind to the obvious problems. Dignifying it with a response would be just as bad, but he couldn’t leave it hanging.

“Why the fuck was Shara at your place? Has she been your girlfriend all this time?” snapped Maxem and bit down in the pillow.

“What? No, I don’t have a girlfriend for crying out loud,” exclaimed Gatou and pulled back the sheets, “She needed a place to stay!”

“She had a place right here,” Maxem cried out, “But she left me for you. So fuck you! I hope you fucking choke on each other, lying piece of trash!”

He scrambled around for the blankets but Gatou had a firm grip on it. Instead he got up and made for the door. A sudden drop in blood pressure left him stumbling for grip.

“Shit,” hissed Gatou and pulled him back to bed, “Why don’t I get Shara and she can explain it to you. Along with some food.”

This time Gatou covered him with the blanket and now it felt dirty. Lying on him like a burning rag. Next to that Shara couldn’t say anything that could validate her behaviour. He would only accept whatever magic came flowing through her hands. With manipulations and sweet talk he would believe every word of their elaborate lie.

Complete and utter waste of time. At the end of the day he would be back at the institute, puzzling with the residents.

Perhaps he could hang himself now to lighten their load. That way they didn’t have to come up with more lies.

“Back to moping in bed?” Shara asked and folded the blanket away from his face.   
He hadn’t heard her come in and her sudden nearness made him want to throw up. The smell of sweet porridge wasn’t helping.

“I had no idea you were so terrible possessive,” Shara sat down on the bed and glanced at him sideways, “And poor Vivienne had to pay the price.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Maxem pressed through gritted teeth.

He wanted to punch her too but squeezed the pillow flat,

“I thought you wanted an explanation,” Shara crossed her arms, “Not like you would listen to any of it.”

“Then perhaps you should get out of my face,” Maxem turned around and pulled the blanket back up.

“But I’m kind of curious now,” Shara leaned in and folded the sheet away again, “What do you think happened? Why was I there?”

Maxem pushed himself up and away. Every action felt like it depleted any energy reserves completely. Shara handed him the bowl. This time he took it without protest.

“So tell me,” Shara folded her gloved hands patiently.

The food in his mouth at least bought him time. He didn’t want to tell her anything. It wasn’t beneath her to laugh in his face, if he survived the embarrassment. Of course she just sat there staring at him, until he scraped out the bowl.   
“Well?” she took the bowl and placed it on the bed between them.

“You fucking left me, that is what happened. Without a note or a fucking phone call,” the food didn’t help to keep his emotions in check, he already felt like an asshole, “Aren’t you suppose to be my fuckforsaken babysitter? But when you can’t handle it anymore you start hanging out of my… that fucking asshole- Gatou?”

“You told me to leave you alone, honey bee,” Shara said coldly, “Called me a fat cow. So I did what any self respecting person would do.”

“What? Fuck my boyfriend?” Maxem snapped and gripped the sheets tightly.

“Leave,” Shara answered, “I stayed at Sasake’s place the first night. But she lives in a student dorm. So Gatou offered a spot on his couch. Whatever that paranoid brain of yours is telling you, isn’t what actually happened. That is why you take these meds.”

There was nothing to say so Maxem clenched his teeth to keep from biting her head off.

“Also Vivienne told you what was up, but she never got the idea that you listened. And for the record, I did leave you messages. But your phone has been out of commission for a few days now,” Shara straightened her back and kept looking at him with a neutral expression.

Of course it was. How could it be anything than his own fucking fault. How many times had he asked her to leave and she had stuck with him anyway. If he hadn’t been such an awful prick, she never would’ve needed to go to Gatou in the first place.

“Did that answer your question?” Shara asked still as cold.

Did she expect him to react? Other than the tears streaming non-stop over his face. If she was right, which of course she was. he made this whole mess over nothing. His emotions ruling him like an unsympathetic dictator, flinging him in any direction at the slightest whim.

Hiding his face seemed futile but he did it anyway.

“Honey, look around you. We’re all here to help you. If Gatou or Vivienne or I didn’t want to try our absolute hardest for you, we wouldn’t be here,” she pulled his hand down.

His breath hitched at the touch. Pulling away was his first instinct but he didn’t want to.

“Shall I help you calm down?” Shara didn’t wait for an answer and removed the other glove with her teeth.

He didn’t have to answer as she placed a hand over his. Maxem sighed deeply, wiping away his tears with his free hand.

“Sure, whatever, it’s your fucking life,” he mumbled but squeezed harder if there was any danger of her letting go.

She didn’t.

“How does that feel?” her expression was still stiff.

“Look, I’m sorry I freaked out,” Maxem avoided her eyes, “Things kept falling apart and then Gatou was there and everything I say or do turns to bullshit.”  
“It doesn’t matter anymore, clear your mind. Is this better?” Shara insisted.

Maxem shook his head and shrugged. There was no way he could say he was fine. The fabricated feelings weren’t fine, no matter how good it felt.

“A little stronger perhaps?” a grin glinted on her lips.

A gasp escaped him as a large bubble popped in his chest.

“Fuck! No, stop it,” even though his face contorted into a smile, “Don’t overextend yourself.”

“I’m not,” Shara leaned in closer, “Doesn’t it feel good?”

“It’s stupid,” Maxem covered his face again, trying to hide the laughter.   
“Stupid is the one hiding behind the door trying to spy on us,” Shara raised her voice.

Maxem spun around not sure what else he was expecting.   
Gatou pushed the door open but stayed in the frame, caught red handed, “How’s it going?”

Maxem turned away again and saw Shara looking at him expectantly. The idea of Gatou behind him, so close, made nerves prick in the stomach and heat rise up on his cheeks.

“What are you doing, stop that,” he hissed at Shara trying to pull his hand away.   
“I’m not doing anything,” she raised her eyebrows knowingly, “Gatou, come join.”

She ungloved her other hand and reached out towards him.

Maxem’s entire skin was on high alert. Footsteps, a creak of the bed, the mattress dipping. Shara was still pretending she was not doing this.

Instead of taking her hand, Gatou touched him on the shoulder. A shiver ran down his spine, he could not look him in the eye.

“How are you doing?” Gatou asked.   
“I could use a drink,” Maxem suppressed a grin, looked at Shara and felt the sweat between their hands.

“Nevermind alcohol, I’d like some of what you’re having,” she grabbed Gatou’s hand and giggled, “Geez, the two of you at the same time is insane!”  
“What are you doing now?” Gatou asked suspiciously.

Maxem wasn’t sure he had seen Shara so enthusiastic.   
“Whew, this is almost too much,” she whistled and breathed, but did not let go, “Okay. What am I doing. I’m tapping into you while trying to keep this boy leveled without letting anything flow over into each other. With all the tension, it’s harder than it sounds.”

“This is ridiculous,” Maxem shook off Gatou’s burning hand and tried to escape from Shara’s.

While Gatou was effectively released from her grips, she kept a firm grip on Maxem.

“No, Maxem, what the hell,” Gatou turned to him, slightly irritated, “Isn’t it better, don’t you feel better?”

Maxem fought the urge to wipe that frown off his face, but kept to himself.

“I know holding Shara’s isn’t the solution, but I just want…” Gatou looked at Shara for help but she didn’t intervene, “I want to try every possible solution.”

“My depression isn’t going to go away,” Maxem retorted and glanced at Shara.

His anxiety was rising rapidly through his chest and he was having trouble thinking straight. Her face hadn’t changed and she kept her lips sealed.   
“I know that,” Gatou pushed his hands in his hair, “But it doesn’t have to be the end of the world, or your life. If Shara can help, or whatever you think will help, won’t you at least consider letting it?”

Gatou’s eyes were pleading, desperately, but he was getting frustrated as the silence stretched.

Instead Maxem turned to Shara again, his mouth dry, “Are you still doing something because I’m not feeling it.”

“Is that an answer or a deflection?” she asked him, let go and reached around for water.

Instantly Maxem felt put on the spot and naked. Panic crept in underneath his nails and teeth. With every breath he became more empty. Didn’t they understand there was no right answer he could give them?

Eventually the silence lasted too long and Gatou grunted in agony, “It’s fine. It doesn’t need to be Shara, but please accept something. Come home with me.”

With those words Shara started to move away, her face still calm and pleasant. It was all a ruse, Libixian pride.

His hands shot out and grabbed her before she could leave the bed, “Don’t go.”

A warm smile sprouted on her face and she moved in closer and closer until she completely engulfed him.

“Okay,” she said and he could hear her voice vibrate in her chest, “I’ll stay right here.”

Crying was the only way he could respond to the affection. Though he held on tightly, he found Gatou’s hand next to him.

“Can we go home now?” he asked with his face hidden in Shara’s hair.

When Shara gave him space he recognised Gatou’s smile. Bright and grand. A rare and precious feature, something to be remembered. Which he did.

Gatou pulled him in close and kissed him on the lips, “We most definitely can.”


	44. Epilogue

Humming along with the music, Shara started to make herself comfortable on the back seat of the car.   
“Are you doing gymnastics?” Gatou asked slightly annoyed but shot Maxem a warm smile.   
“Stretching,” Shara said, kicked the back of his chair and leaned in, “It’s a long ride.”

“For you two minute commercials are long,” Gatou kept his eyes on the road.   
“What about honey bee grump over here?” Shara poked Maxem in the ribs, “Not getting stiff yet?”

Maxem pressed his lips together and stared out the window.

“You’re not fooling anyone,” Shara threw herself down and sighed.

Eventually she started humming again. Maxem looked at the scenery passing them by. And though he was glad she didn’t push it any further, she was right. He wasn’t fooling anyone. 


End file.
